have i lost the plot ???

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AskBaby Star
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 3:10 pm 
Post subject: have i lost the plot ???
dont even know how to start but i will just get to the point .....we lost our baby girl at 2 days old from a heart condition .....its sad its horrid no parent should ever have to watch what we watched ....

but now 3 months on i do feel ok ive felt ok for quite some time .....i miss our daughter every day but im happy she is safe and not in pain and will never suffer .....i know that our daughter would have died at some point in her life before we died and she would have had to fight to live every day .....

people, friends keep telling me its going to hit me and im going to be consumed with giref and i will have a break down .....but i dont feel sad that she died because of her condition i feel sad that she had the condition .....its so hard to explain but people are making me think that have i not delt with her death and just put it away as such or can you count your blessings so soon ??

i wake up every day and im thankful for what i have and not to dwel on what i could of had ....

thanks all in advance

x x x
Thea-Our Darling Daughter with us for 2 special days ....always loved missed more .....

Xavier lifes pure joy
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 3:15 pm 
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I've never experienced what you've been through, nor can I begin to imagine what it's like. From an outsiders point of view however, I think that everyone has different ways of dealing with grief.

Just because you are not sobbing every day or having a break down doesn't mean you haven't dealt or are dealing with your daughters death. The way I see it, you have a very good attitude towards it, in that your daughter is in a another place, healthy and well and that she no longer has to suffer.

I think we all question how we deal with things when someone dies and there is no right or wrong way to grieve nor is there a set timeframe by which we should stick to.

AskBaby Star
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 9:38 pm 
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I think what you are doing is self-preservation. Its natural. Its your way of dealing with grief, and everyone does it differently. We all do it to a certain extent.
Noone has a right to tell you how you should be feeling. You will know if youre not be honest with yourself!
I can see where you are coming from , as I have started internalising my grief - that is to say i do cry, but less now, and not openly.
Yes, you will always miss your daughter - as i will always miss Eleanor. Noone can tell how you are feeling, or how you felt when Thea died.
There are all the feelings that go with grief - and noone can know unless they have been there. Its one club noone should have to join.

Love Julie xxx

Our baby Eleanor lost 6 Apr 10
AskBaby Star
AskBaby Star
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 9:58 pm 
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Sharon, like the other ladies have said, no one can tell you how to grieve or how you should feel. We all deal with grief in our own ways.
Like Julie says its self-preservation and a very personal feeling.

Its just such a shame and so sad that any of us have to be in a grieving situation of our own child ever.

Take care hun. Cx
AskBaby Legend
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 7:01 am 
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Hi Sharon, I don't think you are losing the plot at all! Grief is very personal to each of us and we all go thru it in different ways and at different timescales.

People saying you haven't dealt with Thea's death, correct me if I'm wrong but in a way I'm sure you had to come to terms with that when you found out about her heart condition in the first place. Like you said you knew it would happen, but didn't know when and I can imagine the thought of her not having to suffer and fight everyday brings some sort of comfort in an awful situation.

No one can tell you how you are feeling or how you should be feeling and you can't put a time scale on how long you 'must' grieve for. I felt 'ok' probably about 4-5 months after we lost our daughter, yet I know a lady who lost her little girl who was fine literally after 3/4 weeks, but of course she misses her terribly, just like we do our babies, she just managed to work through her feelings and grief quicker than I could. There really is no right or wrong.

We all have a different outlook on life so it's only natural we will all have a different outlook when it comes to death and grief.

I didn't know your Daughter's name before, but just want to say it's a really beautiful name you chose for her.

Take care xx
After a horrible few years, life is good.

AskBaby Star
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 7:30 am 
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Hi, firstly can i just say how sorry i was to read about your daughter. And you seem to be coping so remarkable and are so stong!

I lost my brother to meningitis not long ago, 4 days before his 18th birthday. And i feel exactly how you descibe - thankful that he is somewhere safe and not in pain/suffering. It sounds horrible but i have always said i would not of wanted him to have suvived and been badly disables (physically and mentally) as this would not have been any life for him, a keen sportsman and your typical teenage lad.

I have always been very open and happy to talk about my brother, in fact i enjoy talking about him/hearing stories etc. I think about him all the time, but like you i came to terms with things very quickly. I missed him, and i love him, but after a month i adjusted and learnt how to cope in my own way. Just because this didnt involve sobbing daily etc my parents, family and friends worried that i wasnt dealing with it/coping.

Now a few years on, i remember my brother by giving my son his name as a middle name, talk about him, think about him and remember the special times.

What im trying to say is everyone grieves differently, and copes in their own way. You seem a remarkably strong lady. No one can tell you how to cope/feel.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. hope your ok xxx
AskBaby Legend
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 8:36 am 
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Hey sharon,

I lost my little girl 3 years ago to turners syndrome and she like your little girl would have suffered had she been brought into this world, not due to the turners syndrome but because of other complications caused by it, we knew from 12 week scan that there was something up so to be honest we were prepared for the worst from then on. i know you knew that your little girl was poorly before she came into this world so is it possible that you have maybe grieved whilst she was still inside you? i still did the crying and stuff when i lost my baby but i think had i not expected it i would have been a lot lot worse? could this be the case for you?

there is no right or wrong way to grieve, your family and friends all have their own way of grieving and you have yours.

im so so sorry for the loss of your little girl she knows she isloved very much and she will be looking down on her loving mummy and daddy whilst playing with all the other angel babies xx
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