Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 2:17 pm
Post subject: he's changed his mind again - help please x
i am so confused, any help and advice is welcomed x
18 months ago my BF and I agreed to start a family. 3 months later he changed his mind. 3 months later he changed it again and we have been trying since - for the last 6 months.
Yesterday he told me he wants to stop trying until I sell my flat (which we live in) and get a bigger place. And he said if it takes 2 years to sell the flat then so be it, we wait 2 years.
Problem is, i'm ready now. Also, i'm 34 (he's 42 and has a 6 year old son we look after half the week) and another 2 years is a scarily long time to wait.
He says we can't try for a baby and look for a house at the same time - we can only start once my flat is sold. I don't get it - i would be happy living in a caravan as long as i had a precious child!
I'm worried if we buy a place together, he will change his mind again and say he doesn't want kids.
Do I end it now and spend the next few years looking for someone who does want a family with me or do i meet his demands and hope he sticks to his word?
Thank you all so so much x
Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 3:14 pm
Hi girl74, how are you? My first instinct after reading your message is that it sounds like your bf is putting off having children for some reason? The flat thing sounds like an excuse to me. I agree with you that it doesnt matter where you live. Personally I would be concerned because 2 years is a long time to wait if you are 34, how long have you been toghether? You don't sound convinced that he will definitely want children even if you do wait two years. Does he know how important having children obviously is to you?
Are you happy? Is your bf the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Sorry girl74, I dont think I have offered any advice?! What are your instincts telling you? I hope you sort it out, I'm sure you would make a fab mum!!! ka xx
Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 5:18 pm
Hi girl74, I have to say I agree with MrsE27, sounds like he doesn't understand how you are feeling, which doesn't seem very promising as wanting a baby is such a big emotional feeling. I really hope you get things sorted out, it sounds like you need to trust your instincts, sending you supportive thoughts khugsxxx
Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 8:46 pm
sounds like he doesn't understand how you are feeling
But how about what he's feeling?
I think talking about it honestly will be the best thing you can do here, there isn't any "magic button" that we can flip to make him want a baby with you!
Just be open and let him know how you feel, he is then likely to tell you what is on his mind.
Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:40 am
He knows how I feel but says its just not practical to have a baby when we have no physical space for one.
I'm just so devastated - i've been on a high for the last 6 months cos we've been trying to get pregnant and now suddenyl i'm told i may have to wait years before we start. I feel like i'm grieving and i'm crying every day.
What makes it worse is I play such a big role in his 6 year old son;s life - taking him to school, taking him out at weekends, stories at bedtime etc. and its starting to eat away at me.
As for his feelings....they change every couple of months - sometimes he wants children then he doesn't then he does. His worry is that i'll leave him like his ex GF did, and then he'll have 2 kids he doesn't see all the time.
I do love him but over the course of our 4 year relationship, he has changed his mind about so many things. He is not consistent. And even if he gives me 'his word' that he won't change his mind, i have no reason to trust 'his word' because he has gone back on his word so many times in the past.
But what if this is my only chance - what if we break up and i never find another man to love me? At least with him there is a small glimmer of hope that i will have a family.
I am so torn.
Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:59 am
I understand what you mean about him changing his mind or not being sure, I'm sure you're doubting his feelings and commitment to you. I definately understand the clock ticking, I'm 38 and TTC. My ex husband and father of my 3 children ( 16,14 and 11) was like that but as I was very fertile when I was in my 20's, he didn't get much time to change his mind because it was too late. Alot of it was his insecurities, not that he didn't want kids, nothing I did to reasure him was enough.
This wasn't why we split up but it didn't help, though I loved him, still do, but not like I should.
I know it's hard because if he's anything like my ex he won't admit he's insecure, but if you are both sure about how you feel and want to spend the rest of your lives together, there's no reason or excuse. If you're not sure after four years there's is something thats needs straightening out.
Hope I've not a offended just an very small outside view of a huge situation, hope you can sort it out and have a little one on the way soon !
Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:32 am
i'm not offended at all x He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and admits his insecurities and admits how hard it must be for me dealing with his sh*t.
He says he will feel more secure once we have a home together (we currently live in my flat). And that that will be a better environment to bring a baby into.
I just feel like if i do things his way and wait, it's like my 'reward' from him is he will try and make a baby with me.
He's already twice talked about how he hopes i won't push his son aside once i have my baby - i had to remind him that it wouldn't be my baby, it would be ours....but i really worry that he sees us having a baby as something he's doing for me, like he's doing me a favour that i should be grateful for.
Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:09 pm
Hi girl74 - I am so sorry you are having concerns and worries etc. and nothing I can say will take that away. However, from reading your posts - I cant see anything truly negative about your bf - the only problems he seems to have are all genuine probs which relate to his insecurities which there is no way for you to solve. You can only be there for him and allow him to accept that. He seems to want a baby but cant handle disappointment - ie after three months of trying he changed his mind - then after three months of not trying he realised how much he wanted it. There are so many reasons I can understand why he would want to wait.
If it was me in your position - I would recommend he thinks long and hard about this - it doesnt just happen straight away (as you know) so if he thinks along the lines of - this wonderful thing will happen when it is meant to - then if a better environment is required - your baby wont come along until then - but if all it needs are 2 parents & a big bro who love it then you dont have to wait. You can be a proper family.
Please also dont let your desperation for a baby come between you. When things are meant to be they will! You need to reassure him that you love him 100% but he also needs to reassure you that he understands how much you want a baby. Maybe you should show him these posts and that may make him feel like he can go ahead with this.
Whatever the outcome - I wish you all the luck in the world - you sound like a lovely person and I hope the three of you can work through this together.