Advice needed :(

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AskBaby Legend
AskBaby Legend
Joined: 09 Mar 2009
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Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:04 pm 
Post subject: Advice needed :(
Hi girls, sorry i have not been around much - everything has been very complicated.

I will try and keep this brief but i am so desperate for some advice!

As most of your know we have had 3 mc in the last 2 years - the last one lasting several months.

OH had just got back from a 6 month tour of afghan when i fell pg with the last one. His whole leave was spent with me having bad morning sickness but it was worth it for both of us but we lost it at 11 weeks. the day he was due back to work was the day of my d and c. he was great but he really struggled with everything and ended up in councilling. not only did we lose the baby but he lost 14 friends in afghan so he was going through a lot and i felt like i needed to be strong for him. the miscarriage dragged on due to retained products, i ended up having 2 ops and being admitted to hospital 3 times over a 5/6 month period.

We started trying again in April (even though we probably should have waited a bit!) but we have had 4 cycles of bding on the right days and nothing!!! before this mc we seemed to fall pg really easily.

My af arrived today and OH has now decided that he does not want children! we have been going through a few relationship problems recently due to all the stress.

On top of this OH has been drafted suddenly and we have to move next month so i can understand wanting to hold off for a few months but he is saying that for the foreseeable future he does not want children, he says i have become to obssessed with it and it has taken over my life and he has been kind of going along with it for my sake but he has felt like this for a while.

i have asked him if it is because he is scared and he said partly yes, because he had to watch me go through so much whilst dealing with everything himself but he has now decided he does not feel ready and wants to wait and does not know until when.

We have gone through simular before but never to this extent and there is NO talking to him and when i do he just says that all that is on my brain is babies and it is a real put off.

Maybe i have got to obbssessed and gone into my own world without thinking about it but after wanting a child for so long it is hard to think about everything but.

He wants me to go back on the pill for now and just leave it!

I love my husband more than anything but i no there is no reasoning with him at the moment.

i know a lot of people will say its because he is scared and has been put off but there is more to it. he seems to have taken on a childish, selfish attitude and i know when he is like this there is no talking to him or if i do i will only end up more upset.

We are just about to move further down south, further away from family, away from my friends that i have made here to totally new surroundings where i will no nobody and all i want is a family.

Maybe i have been blinded and need to concentrate on my marriage but i thought this is what we both wanted.

how do i just shut off and go back on the pill and convince myself that i have to wait for now with no idea of when he will change his mind back could be ages! i only 27 but what if we encounter more problems and i end up older and older before i have my first child.

I am so confused, upset and gutted and so in need of advice!

thanks so much for reading and sorry for such a long post! xxx

AskBaby Star
AskBaby Star
Joined: 12 Apr 2008
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Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2011 7:56 am 
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i am so sorry your going through this hun
i can totally understand what your hubby is going through
its so hard losing babies and men find it hard to cope
after losing my baby i really thought it would put my oh off ttc again
it absolutely destroyed him, but you really need to talk to him
tell him how your feeling and hopefully he"ll tell you
he will come round with time
its different for them they don"t have all these hormones to deal with
my head was telling me i cant go through this again but my heart was telling me different
i felt so empty and needed to be pregnant (if that makes sense)
its so frustrating when your oh wont discuss it but just give him time
i"m sure he"ll come round in the end ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) xxxxx

tubal reversal april 08
it worked!!!! i had 2 beautiful reversal babies
Guru Member
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Joined: 19 Feb 2011
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Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:18 am 
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I'm so sorry you're having to go through this hun. My OH is exactly the same, he won't talk about our m/cs or about having more kids in the future. There's only been one instance when he's told me he dosn't know what he wants anymore. And like you I'll be 27 in a couple of weeks, and would never of imagined getting to that age without being a Mum.

I'm finding it very hard to bring the subject up with him at the moment, but maybe we both need to bite the bullet, sit our OHs down and tell them how we really feel. I always think if I'm prepared to give it another go then why can't he? I have however, told my OH that I'm not going back on the pill ever again, it's my choice and my body and that's not for him to decide, and he partly agrees with it (as I have different personalities when I'm on the pill apparently and he doesn't like it! Laughing )

I hope your OH will come round very soon hun, always here if you need to chat xx

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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:01 pm 
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ELP1 I am sorry to hear everything is so confusing right now.
Has the doctors etc looked into why you had the mc's?
I am just thinking if you both decide to wait a few month, maybe you can use that time to prepare for your next pregnancy.
Personally after our 2nd MC I had a d+c and they did tests on the feotus and me and found it was my blood attacking feotus and they started me on aspirin to help. It was heart breaking waiting months for the test results but when we did try again, we did so with confidence we had much better chances of a sucsesful pregnancy.
Just trying to think of good use of time not bding.
Similar thoughts went through our heads re its so painful to loose a baby, can we really try again, those thoughts soon fade so I am sure your other half will feel differently soon.
Maybe do thinks you enjoy but cant do when preg.
Good Luck
AskBaby Star
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Joined: 28 May 2008
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Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2011 7:39 am 
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I'm so sorry you have gone through so much ELP. You both have so much going on right now and its extremely hard for both of you.
Maybe you and DH can compromise and you use condoms instead of pill? Pill will just mess with your system, at least with condoms your body continues going on as per normal.
I don't know how soon you need to move, but maybe you can both agree to start again once you have settled in the new place? Don't leave it an open settlement, but agree on say 3 months after you have arrived you start TTC again.
Big hug. xxx

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