Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 7:30 am
Post subject: Do I keep my mouth shut???
Hi ladies, I know that people haven't posted here in a while, but hoping someone might be able to help! Some of you might remember our story when all this happened, as we were ttc our daughter at the height of it all!
Back in 2008, oh and I bought our first house. We had been together just over a year before this and had and still have a very solid relationship. Anyway, about a week after moving in, I had a message on Facebook from some girl, saying she knew oh, and that she needed to talk to him. I knew that he wouldn't be unfaithfull to me, so knew it was nothing that bad. I replied saying I wasn't prepared to give her his number, but if she told me who she was and her number, I would discuss it and let him decide. As soon as I said her name, his face went white as a sheet. She was a girl that around 7 years previously (before we even knew eachother) had a couple of one night stands with. No relationship or anything, just drunk antics. Anyway, we both looked at eachother and knew right away what she wanted, and that night he called her and we got the shock of our lives - she fell pregnant after sleeping together, had a baby boy and just decided not to tell him until then - 6 years down the line!!
We were both pretty angry, and I was disgusted that anyone could do something like that. My oh (who is now my husband) is an amazing man and would have supported her throughout the pregnancy and would have wanted to be a part of his sons life, and the fact she denied him of this still angers me to this day! Anyway, that was 3 years ago now. We had tests done which proved he was his son, we have since had our daughter, who my step son is brilliant with, he stays with us every other weekend, and we realy make an effort to make sure he has a good stable relationship with his Dad. He is 9 now, and his behaviour is starting to change, loads! I think his mother is a bit of a soft touch, no discipline whatsoever, which I think, as a parent, is imperitive! We always ensure that Alannah knows what is right and wrong, and we have made sure she has manors. His school work is suffering and he is so naughty at home. But with us, he is good as gold. I think its because he knows we are strict when it comes to things like behaviour and knows he can't just do as he pleases. But lately, his mother keeps texting oh saying he will have to live with us as she can't cope, she thinks we should do the punishing as he listens to us! But I think that is so unfair! Why should he be punished at our house when he is good as gold with us?? My problem is, I really want to say something to her! I want to tell her she needs to get a grip and start dealing with her son (truth be told, I think I just want to slap her one!!). He is 9 not 19, she should kick this behaviour into touch before he gets too big to do anything with! He is not violent, he is just a little boy trying his luck, surely she could gain some control over the situation. And her text about not wanting him to live with her has really disturbed me. It's not the first time she has done something like that, I just feel so sorry for my step son, surely he is picking up on all this?? Although he isn't my natural son, I am his step mother, I feel I should do something but then I think is it really my place??!! Oh won't say anything to her for fear that she might stop him seeing his son!! Anyone have any advice or been through anything simular?
Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:51 am
Hi Wishing! sorry for delay in replying i only come on this thread every now and then....sounds like a situation and a half!! poor little boy!! something i've found and its absolutly no excuse but my step sons can be the same ... its like their mothers just let them run wild so they are happier.. hence they like them more?!?!? that make sense?!?!? in actual fact though they end up with kids they can't control!!
no way in the world should you or dh have to deal with his sons actions when he is fine when with you...what goes on in her house is completly separate to what goes on in yours!! You and your dh can only act on how he is with you.....
She can not stop your dh seeing his son but can make it bloody difficult or expensive should you have to go through courts to get access...
I think you should have a real sit down with your dh and talk this through... then if nothing improves, think about taking things into your own hands....
I wish their were easy answers for these situtaions!! Good Luck
Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 3:19 pm
I know its hard.. but try and let your hubby and the boys mum sort this out.. he needs to be firm with her.. and ensure that he is diciplined at home as well as when he stays with you.. its unfair to make your oh seem the `bad` guy.
Tubal Reversal 19/7/10
Angel Baby due 18/5/2011 (ectopic)
Angel Baby due 25/1/2012 (m/c)
Angel Baby due 21/6/2012 (m/c)
All 3 much loved and wanted xx
Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 5:15 am
I sympathise with you hun, Have you and your DH spoke about how YOU want things to be? Its your house, your rules, he obviously likes the rules and knowing where he is as he is good for you, its not your place to tell him off when he plays up for his mom, we have the same problem!! My stepsons mom will not tell him off but wants my DH to do it for her, then he is the bad guy.
Maybe get your DH to explain this to her??
Its such a hard situation xx