Could we talk about adoption?
  Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 6:24 pm
Post subject: Could we talk about adoption? Hello Ladies,
Was just wondering if any of you long term TTCers had thought about/looked into adoption? It's something that I've been thinking about recently (not actually discussed it with OH or looked into it or anything) and wondered if it could be something that I might be able to get my head round. I think the fundamental thing is it can't ever be the same as actually carrying and giving birth to your own child and I worry bout not loving that child as much as my DD but if I could get past that then we could provide a loving home for an otherwise unwanted child and my DD would get a sibling that we long for so much. Just my first thoughts really, I guess im starting to feel that it's not going to happen again for us this time round and maybe I should look at other options. It basically comes down to 3 options - get medical help and go on a potentially lengthy medical journey to get pg again, think about adoption or accept that our dd is going to be an only child and truthfully I don't know I I have the energy for 1 or 2 and I don't want to drag my DD through an emotional roller coaster! I woud really like to hear your views on it. Thanks x Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 6:47 pm
Post subject: Hi hun, I have a single friend who is adopting, she is hoping to have everything approved soon and fingers crossed, she will have a child early next year. It was a lengthy process for her, I think it will have taken 2 years from start to finish and it also depends on the age of the child you wish to adopt. She is looking to adopt a child between the ages of 2-4, if you wish to adopt a newborn, the waiting time is longer as there arnt as many newborns in the system (apologies if that sound clinical, its not meant in that way). I have a few friends who were adopted, one was adopted when she was 5, her birth mother has several children and she couldnt cope, she put her and her twin up for adoption, the foster parents only wanted to adopt her brother, so they were split up unfortunately. She gained 5 adopted siblings though.
My other friend was adopted very early, her birth mother didnt know she was pregnant until she went into labour, she was 8-9 weeks ld I think, when she was adopted. I had though about adoption when we were struggling to conceive our 1st. I agree, I couldnt imagine not having the experience of carrying and giving birth to a child, however, if we werent able to have biological children, I would have looked into it further, I cant say if I would have gone down that route, but I strongly feel that being a mother was something I needed to do, be it biologically or by adopting. Its a very personal thing, something only you and you partner can decide upon. There are different issues to consider when adopting a child which is naturally considered and discussed if you choose to go ahead xx _________________  
 Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 6:55 pm
Post subject: For me and o/h its not something we would persue, we are both very private people and I dont think Id cope to well with the intrusion. Id almost feel we were being watched constantly. For us its our own child or we will just end up with lots of pets lol
_________________ Ttc since December 2007! Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 4:20 am
Post subject: My DH and I have started talking adoption. We have been ttc almost 19 months and are having no luck. I am still not ovulating no clue why and we can't imagine life without a lo. Problem with adoption is the cost can vary immensely. I have read it can be free to $60,000. We have been discussing also IVF which had about a 45% rate. We are questioning if we do IVF and it fails if we could afford adoption. Got alot on our minds. Newborn babies are high in demand and the wait list is long. The cheapest ways to adopt in the US I have read is adopting from someone you know and adopting through the state but some state require that you foster 1st. International adoption and adopting through a private agency are usually the most expensive. Unfortunately there is no gurantee that if you try to adopt you will get a lo.
Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 4:20 am
Post subject: My DH and I have started talking adoption. We have been ttc almost 19 months and are having no luck. I am still not ovulating no clue why and we can't imagine life without a lo. Problem with adoption is the cost can vary immensely. I have read it can be free to $60,000. We have been discussing also IVF which had about a 45% rate. We are questioning if we do IVF and it fails if we could afford adoption. Got alot on our minds. Newborn babies are high in demand and the wait list is long. The cheapest ways to adopt in the US I have read is adopting from someone you know and adopting through the state but some state require that you foster 1st. International adoption and adopting through a private agency are usually the most expensive. Unfortunately there is no gurantee that if you try to adopt you will get a lo.
Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 7:42 am
Post subject: TTC1stbaby there are no charges for adoption in the UK ,its a totally different process to the US
 xx
Mrs Zargon not looked into it seriously myself although I have thought about fostering , but I do know its very invasive (which is what put me off), one of the reversal Ladies has started on the process after TTC for over a year after her reversal, as it can take up to 3yrs she was told, her and her OH wanted to carry on trying themselves in the meantime ,although they did say they would still adopt if they got their natural BFP and were recently told that they had to stop TTC before they could even apply  in fact she was told she had to go on the pill  which I thought was ridiculous  and they couldn't start the process until at least 6 months after her last fertility treatment (which was only clomid  )and she was told she'd have to give up work for a set time as well, which then puts a financial strain on her  as any child they'd get would be school age and she works in a nursery anyway so if the child was younger it could go to her nursery I don't see the problem but apparently they did
As you could get refused at any point and she's at an age where if she stopped for 2-3yrs whilst going through it all and then got turned down it could then be too late to try again
I've also heard of a couple on here where the OH was on the organ transplant list (kidney I think )and was told he had to come off it for a year after they got their child which really shocked me too , I think they make unreasonable demands on people , if you read louloubella's journey they were really put through the mill and I believe it took 3yrs , they get their little girl in a few days now , but for me if I was going to go through such an exhausting process for 3yrs with no certainty of a good outcome I think I'd rather put myself through the fertility treatments and try for a biological child
The adoption process in the UK is such that even if the mother gives the child up at birth there is a 6 week cooling off period during which the baby is placed in foster care and then if proceedings start after that it still takes a while , even if a baby is removed at birth there are court processes to be followed so you'd never get a "new born" unlike the US where adoptive parents in some cases take the baby home from the hospital soon after the birth (makes me a bit uncomfortable that though when its a new mum who given a bit of time could well have changed her mind ) Over there though women can choose the new parents of their baby, over here they can't and most children up for adoption are older anyway and are being adopted because of abuse or neglect,which comes to light over time , the average age at adoption is 3yrs and 8 months up to 4yrs and 2 months (varies by year) ,according to the Guardian only 60 babies were adopted last year in the UK,out of around 3,000 total adoptions but over 67,000 children are in local authority care ( a lot of these are troubled teens though who have no chance of being adopted only 2 % of adoptions are of a child between 10 and 15 ))
The number of adoptions has dropped year on year from 5,000 in 2000 to 3,000 in 2010, not because there are less people willing to adopt but because the process has become more difficult and longer
As you can maybe tell i'm not a big fan of the way local authorities have over complicated the process and are leaving thousands of children in care homes and foster care when they could be part of a loving family
If the process was simpler and more transparent then I would consider adopting but theres no way I'd put my family through that as things are
As for loving the child the same, I think you never know until you're in that situation It's hard to say because with your own that love is there from the start whereas with an adoptive child is probably more gradual
Fostering is maybe an option to look at though as that can help fast track the process, but you'd have to be prepared to have some children come and go So its a tricky one if you got attached to them 
Not an easy decision though xx Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 4:38 pm
Post subject: Hiya all.
Me and my oh have looked into adoption, as we felt this could be something for us. However, we have been told we can't adopt because... We are in a 2 bed house, and have my stepchildren at weekends. (we are in LA housing). The LA will not find us a larger proeprty as we don't claim child benefit for my 3 stepchildren. Some LA's offer to rehouse if approved fpr adoption, but when we approached the adoption dept of our LA they wouldn't even consider starting us on the process. So they have us over a barrel. I know that the process is a long one, and quite invasive - we are willing to do all of this, but they just won't give us a chance. I am not sure how I would feel if I had children of my own though, and then decided to look into adoption. I think when the proces begins they look into the effect it will have on children already in the household etc. It is definitley something that needs a lot of consideration.x xxx _________________ After 3 and half years of ttc, tests being clear and unable to adopt, we have decided to become a patchwork family. Me, my hubby and stepchildren. Its so sad to know I will never hear the word 'Mommy'.x Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 10:38 pm
Post subject: Thanks for your replies everyone. It is clear now why I don't know anyone who has adopted given the process some of you have described! Need to put that idea on ice now I think - I definitely wouldn't be prepared to stop TTC ATM anyway so guess we'd be struck off for that.
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 12:28 am
Post subject: Your local authority will probably do regular information evenings and you can find out how they work there. They might not be quite as demanding as some of the others quoted here.
Have a look at bemyparent.org (it might be org.uk) - they have pics of children needing homes on there, it is heartwrenching. I've always felt torn between adopting and having my own so as having my own isn't quite happening yet I guess adoption is the next step for us, although not sure when that step will be, not yet anyway. xx _________________ Enjoying the TTC ride! Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 5:54 pm
Post subject: Hi I don't know much about the medical side of ttc but I do know about adoption, I'm adopted and was legally adopted at 14months, your local authority will be able to give you advice an stuff about adoption an what it entails and you very rarely hear of young babies being adopted unless the mother had made the decision while she is pregnant, even if a baby is taken into foster care at a very young age it still takes a while to decide what to do as they will try to rehabilitate mother and child an if that doesn't work find other family members who are willing to look after the baby (I was taken from my birth mum for my own safety) then if no one cane look after the child for what ever reason and the mother agrees then adoption will follow. You tend to see older children or children with disabilities as they are often overlooked and have a higher criteria for care for obvious reasons and the social workers and the judges need to ensure that the adoptive parents will be able to cope etc. It is well worth looking into and ur local authority may operate slightly different to the ones I'm familiar with, feel free to pm if u have any more questions I will try my best to help xx
_________________  Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:48 pm
Post subject: nutty1 wrote:
For me and o/h its not something we would persue, we are both very private people and I dont think Id cope to well with the intrusion. Id almost feel we were being watched constantly. For us its our own child or we will just end up with lots of pets lol
Same here nutty if our ttc journey leads us to a dead end we have to accept it we will just leave it there and i will have cats, dogs, any other furry animal i can get my hands on!!!!!!!! We both left our marriages to be together and now we are married and finally completely settled i cannot imagine the invasion of privacy as part of the adoption process they have to contact your ex-spouses it would be awful. Good luck to all those pursuing it because i think it is wonderful if you feel that is right for you it is an amazing thing to do for a child. _________________  
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