Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2013 11:11 am
Post subject: Head versus Heart ?
I was just wondering how other ladies deal with this dilemma when it comes to TTC
We started TTC 3yrs ago, my OH and I already have 2 children one of each and I have children from a previous marriage who are grown up now, we decided to try for one last baby 3 yrs ago when our youngest was 8 and then it seemed like a big gap but not huge .
Now though he's 11 and about to start secondary school in September Our daughter is 13 nearly 14 (don't know when that happened I must have blinked and missed it )
I'm going back to college full time, after studying since last autumn part time, to hopefully start a career (I've only ever had 'jobs' before never a career )and my OH is also studying to get a better job and is less keen than he once was to start all over again
It's complicated by the fact I've had problems this time and only have one tube and have been told that's probably blocked by scar tissue (it was blocked by something when I had an exploratory op but they can't say for sure what ) so in reality the chances of me getting pregnant naturally are minimal and what I'm trying if it did work at all could take quite a while to have any effect (6 months + maybe )so there's no way to plan a future pregnancy it either happens when it happens or it doesn't happen at all
After lots of tears last year when I found out we decided IVF probably wasn't for us as I was then 42 so the odds of it working were reduced, deep down I would love to give it a shot but know I'd want to keep trying it if it didn't work and financially we could afford one shot without too much trouble but not repeated tries
So that's a no no .
But I have been trying everything I can find that's supposed to help with egg quality (because of my age) and tubal scarring, everything from enzymes, to herbs to deep tissue massage things to help with blood supply and am even toying with acupuncture or reflexology I also track my cycles one way or another make sure we always BD around the best times
But.... My OH now thinks maybe it's time to stop all these things as he feels it will stop me concentrating fully on my course work
(He might have a tiny point as I can find TTC a little distracting but now I know my body so well I'd probably be distracted anyway even without any testing or temping )
Plus obviously if I did get pregnant I'd either have to take time out from my studies or we'd have to put the baby in a nursery which was never part of the original plan .
In an ideal world where I had more time and could afford to stop trying for 2yrs while I finish the qualifications then I'd agree, but if I stop all efforts now then in 2yrs time it will be too late
Even if we decided to try IVF then if we had more money from me working as well chances are it wouldn't work with my eggs so it would be a donor or nothing (nothing against donors I think they give a fantastic gift to women who can't use their own eggs but I wanted a baby that's mine )
So my dilemma is do I go with my head and be practical and accept we gave it a shot and it didn't work and stop any attempts to try and heal my tube or get pregnant while I do my 2yr course
Or do I follow my heart and keep trying anything that might work and help us get that BFP even though it might not work and could be a distraction or it might work and it would be a struggle to juggle a baby and the course
Just to add I've actually really wanted another baby since my son was about 3 and it wasn't possible then due to me needing a reversal to TTC (which I had in 2010)so it's not a recent thing wanting another baby it's being like this for 8 yrs I suppose I'm wondering if it's possible for the feeling to go away or is it just something you live with
I've been broody before when my other children were little and its gone away again and come back again later but this goes beyond broodiness into a physical pain at the thought of never being pregnant or having a baby again and crying when AF shows
I just wondered how other women dealt with a situation like this ? xx
Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2013 4:01 pm
Hi DL05 what a difficult question to answer! I guess the one thing I am learning in this TTC journey is that different people cope with it differently - you sound very much like me in some ways - I can be very tenacious and generally believe if you work hard enough for something in life that you can achieve it which is why you sound like you have committed so much of yourself into overcoming your TTC difficulties and haven't given up so far. It is a very personal decision to decide to hang up your hat and say enough is enough and only you can decide when that time may be. One piece of advice (which I have been given many times and yet still find myself unable to really follow) is to try to relax about the whole thing and concentrate on other aspects of my life without thinking about TTC all the time. I find this incredibly difficult as I'm a very black an white person so I'm either doing something 100% or not at all but in reality I there is no reason that you couldn't keep TTC but make it have less impact on your life. For example, the time spent on this forum, don't get me wrong you are a fantastic support to all of us and offer wonderful advice, but being selfish a lot of it probably doesn't benefit your own TTC journey and yet keeps it at the forefront of your mind all the time! My best advice for you is that if you don't feel ready to hang up your hat just yet then you should keep TTC and invest time solely into your own needs eg, the herbs, alternative remedies etc but the rest of the time make your life about everything else - your course, your OH, your kids etc. If you do get that much prayed for BFP you could make any life decisions then xx good luck Hun wishing you all the best of luck whatever you decide xxx
Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2013 8:52 pm
I know it might not happen but it sounds to me like you want to keep trying. I know it would be difficult to juggle a baby and a course but if you are lucky enough to fall pg you'd make it work. It's good that you're not keeping your entire life on hold for ttc any more but I'm not convinced you need to give up on any chance of it ever happening to do your course and persue a career. xx
Posted: Wed Aug 21, 2013 6:42 am
I think you're right ladies, I'm not really ready to just give up, I'm not sure if I know how to actually give up really
Mrs Zargon staying off the forums does help me put it to the back of my mind, you're right I am a self confessed control freak as well which does unfortunately mean I find TTC a bit of a nightmare as so much of it is out of our control it would help if I was on here less and from time to time over the last 3 yrs I have taken a break when it's all gotten to be too much and it has helped trouble is a lot of my coursework at the moment is online so the computers always on and I find myself sneaking on here for 5 minutes here and there Like now while the kids are still asleep Which then usually leads to Googling something etc. etc.
From September I'll actually be in college 3 days a week though and catching up on everything else in my 2 days off and I don't really come on at weekends so I won't be able to obsess about it as much
Maybe I won't need to make a decision as such then about putting it on the back burner it might just be something that does happen naturally when I don't have the time to think about it so much
Kaz, Banoffee you're right I could make it work if it did happen Lots of women juggle work and study and kids , it's not something I've ever had to do really though as when my OH was in the army work for me was out of the question anyway because we were overseas while ours were little, so I suppose the idea scares me a bit But I have a good support system round me who would help in any way they could so it is possible
Thanks ladies you've really helped me clarify how I was feeling and I think I can tone down the (obsessive)TTC to some extent so I'm not thinking about it so much I probably won't have time anyway come September But if I don't give these enzymes a good shot now I will probably always wonder 'what if' and I hate the thought of that so I think I do have to carry on with those at least for now
Thanks again Ladies xx
Posted: Wed Aug 21, 2013 8:39 am
Hmmm tricky question Nat, I think as the years went on for us and the 2nd treatment failed we were starting to think about accepting it wasnt going to happen. Personally even if we had decided that we werent going to try any more I dont think I could mentally switch off to that and just stop because Im so aware of what goes on with my body now. I just dont see how I could possibly ignore those signs. For me the real end of the road is and would be my age. In my head I have the cut off point of 40, for me thats as far as Im willing to go with things as by that point we would have devoted 12 almost 13 yrs to it.
Obviously now things are a bit different because we have had a treatment work, as far as having another goes I definately want another close in age. We have 1 batch of embryos left to use but in my heart Im hoping that by some miracle it just happens natural after this pregnancy.
Ttc since December 2007!
Posted: Wed Aug 21, 2013 3:43 pm
Ahh It is a hard decision as we spend so much time watching for signs and trying at the right time how can we switch off I ask you.
Even though I was saying that is it for me now due to my OH being a pain in the arse I am still conscious of the right time of the month and so is he now as well. He even gets more keen around that time as well.
Only you can make that decision and if it did happen women do cope as we are super women deep down really.
Posted: Thu Aug 22, 2013 7:33 am
See that's what I was thinking Nutty how do you ignore those things you've spent years looking out for
Even if you do decide to stop the signs will still be there
I always seem to know when I'm getting my surge now never mind actually ov'ing because I get such specific signs, happened yesterday and sure enough got a pos this morning
Age is definitely a factor for me though, my gran had my Dad at 49 15 yrs after her previous child, and although I'd love another now I'm not sure how I'd feel if it didn't happen now and then suddenly happened out of the blue in 5 or 6 yrs time, with tubal issues you never know do you if the scarring could get better with time and if that would be possible
I mean now's not as good a time as it was 3yrs ago,but 5 or 6 yrs from now with our two grown up and college age it really would be like starting right over with the baby stage again
I really hope you do get a natural BFP after this pregnancy , I don't know if you remember but there was a reversal ladies who ended up doing IVF after being told her tubes were blocked, her IVF worked and then a few months later she got a surprise BFP and she was told the effects of the progesterone and the stretching because of the pregnancy had probably opened her tube enough to conceive naturally so it can happen, sadly she lost the baby but a bit ago posted she was pregnant again , and lots of women on FF have had IVF for various reasons then conceived naturally so I'd never rule anything out xx
Lindsey my OH is the same He has some sort of weird oestrogen sensors that man
So short of going on the pill or something which I really wouldn't want to do even if my GP would prescribe I don't know really how we'd not try at all
It might mean having to keep track of ov just to avoid BD then which really defeats the whole point xx
Aww thanks Lisa that's very sweet of you xx