Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 8:51 pm
Post subject: Mans Point of View Needed
Hi - hadn't thought to use this forum before.
Please be patient through what could be a long post but I am at the end of my tether.
I have been with my husband for five and a half years and living together for nearly five.
We have been married three years and have an 8 month old baby.
I moved into his house. It is a state, but when I moved in my rent - theoretically would be used to sort the house out the theory being two of us wouldn't cost much more than one. This didn't really happen as he was setting his own buisness up and so I could understand cash being tight so didn't really mind.
I nearly moved out a couple of times as nothing was really happening in the house and great though he might be I was really frustrated by the feeling it wasn't my home.
I stuck with him as you can't have perfection overnight and there was always and good reason and it gradually improved.
Two years ago we had money after the wedding and finally started to gut the house. As OH is self employed I was supporting us and he was doing the house. I then fell pregnant 6 months into it - but hey that's fine, she's due 3 months after we expected to finish.
At 20 weeks we got a joint mortgage as it turned out OH had significant moneys owing after starting own buisness, this also gave spare cash to finish house. It would leave us very tight but long term better.
Well at 38 weeks I finally started sleeping in a bed again and we moved off the lounge floor.
Now with Emily 8 months we still are in a state. There is no one single completed room in the house.
I feel really resentful about the money as I feel lied to - when we got married he was full of how I was gaining half his house and half of his 40 tents but turns out I was also gaining debts. He thinks I'm unfair to say this.
I feel frustrated about the length of time things are taking even though he's not working regularly and to be honest even if he was he could be doing as much.
He won't accept help. I thought he'd agreed to some and borrowed money from parents. He then said he hadn't and only had help to plaster.
Emily crawls, but there is no space to do it and I can't keep the house clean and with tools everywhere it's not safe for a child.
Today we finally put up curtains in the nursery - though it's still not ready for her.
But because she's developing really well he can't see the problem and thinks I'm "spoilt" for wanting things straight.
I've tried to get deadlines on things but no joy. I have to go back to work soon and don't see how I can cope when things are as they are.
I have tried to get us a relate appointment as we just bicker but he won't go.
From a blokes point of view am I unfair. How can I communicate my frustration without it just being a go.
I don't want to leave as he is lovely with Emily and deep down love him. But Emily is my priority and right now I feel completely let down by him and don't know if I can trust him to take care of us, and do not want him to let down Emily in the future.
Also he has a bee in his bonett that women are out there to "steal mens homes". Well I have put everything I have earnt and saved into his home and would need it back so I could provide a home for E and I don't feel I can do this.
However my priority is Emily and if it doesn't change soon and fast I really think I have no alternative but leave.
By the way I am not lazy. I was varnishing floors at 41 weeks pregnant. At present aside from all the childcare, meals, washing I am also doing as much as I can on the house and if I can't do much by day I put hours in in the evening.
Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 9:40 pm
im obviously not a dad but wasnt sure how many men used the site so i showed my other half this post and he said this -
he said your not being selfish for wanting your house to be perfect. its not sensible to have half decorated rooms all over the house with a baby this age. we are decorating hannahs bedroom and spare room to turn it into a toy room for her and these are rooms we never use and our house is still upside down. never mind if we were decorating rooms we actually used.
he also said he needs to get a proper paid job as he needs to support you both. it might be his dream to have this business but when your family is involved sometimes you have to put your dreams on hold.
my oh is in a band and they got offered a record label and a tour and he turned them down as his job brings us in the best part of our income and he wasnt guaranteed an income straight away as the band could fail even with a record label.. if he didnt have us to look after he would be on that tour right now living his dream. he doesnt grumble though he just accepts that this is his life now.
he also said he thinks you should sit down and seriously talk about how your feeling. you telling him your thinking of leaving him should put a different perspective on the way hes acting.
Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 1:25 pm
Your post re-iterates what a male friend told me.
OH is really good with words and whenever we talk I always come away feeling like I am being completely unreasonable.
I threatened to leave before and he barely spoke to me for 2 days and made me feel like I was in the wrong.
Over tea tonight I need to pin him down about Relate and hopefully it will enable us to air some other things. He's going to a funeral for a couple of days tomorrow so if it all goes pear-shaped at least we will both get some breathing space.
He is a lovely bloke really and will do anything for his friends and is amazing with kids. However all that is one thing, being able to commit to the boring routine of life is quite another!
Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 7:41 pm
So far no joy - and all had to get put on hold!
He was out (working) last night and in no state to talk when he got back.
Today he's worked like crazy trying to get bathroom grouted and architrave up in Emily's room - but lots has gone wrong, so no good time. And to be truthful getting the grouting done was more important and also Emily's room is in a position that I can finish decorating it now so we can get furniture and she should be in by the end of the week.
Now he's off to Kent for a funeral (t/m, but long way so gone tonight) not likely to be back till Thursday.
Thanks for your advice though. We really have to get things sorted. It's more than the house, though when we aren't living like this it will be easier. But there is stuff that needs resolving for us long term.
Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 11:08 pm
I wonder how good his Dad is at DIY. Mine is great, so I hardly finish anything, and when I do I feel so empty that I wish I hadn't started. So... we have projects that need finishing.
There's probably some psychological basis to his behaviour, but really, he needs a steady income, and he needs to be man enough to accept help. You probably know this, but he doesn't. That's where the problem is. Just point out how dangerous the place is, or even instead of working, just tidy his equipment, but know EXACTLY where you put it. The child's safety needs no overstating.