Posted: Thu Dec 17, 2009 4:15 pm
Post subject: Discipline
Just wondered how you all handle discipline and house rules etc with your step kids?
Do you tell them off if they are naughty and do you get support from your OHs or do you leave it up to them?
My OH daughter is almost 17 but has always been spoilt and run around after so when she comes to our house she acts the same. However I wasn't brought up like that and it's not really how I want my home to be run and my children to be brought up. Despite the fact that I am 4 months pg with a lively toddler to run around after I don't think I should be waiting on a 17 year old hand and foot. But how do I go about changing this? Although my OH does ask her sometimes to tidy up after herself etc he doesn't really enforce it and basically gets laughed at (he made the rod for his own back )
OH daughter came over this week and was messing about showing off to her cousins and was being really rough with one of Thomas's bday pressies so I asked her to leave it - which she ignored, I then told her to leave it and got a load of backchat (no way would i speak to anybody - parent or otherwise - like that) Ok so I dealt with it and the atmosphere was a bit awkward but I don't mind. So later after she had gone home I brough it up with her dad and rather than agree with me he started saying how I speak to her like sh*t! This really upset me coz I know I dont - i spend quite a lot of time alone with her when OH is at work and we always get on fine - but it made me wonder what she has been saying to him behind my back?
How would you ladies deal with this situation? It's getting to the point that I dread her coming round and feel relieved if she says she is working etc - I feel terrible for thinking this way as 90% of the time we get on fine.
Posted: Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:19 pm
Hi hun, didn't want to read and run but I haven't reached that stage yet as my step daughter is only nearly 12 so we haven't got to that rebelious stage yet. I do think you OH is being a bit harsh, I think he should listen to you and support you when it comes to telling his daughter off, if not she will think she can get away with anything. xx
Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:00 pm
i only posted something similar in gen caht teh other day. ohs son did soemthing the other day and i cant remember what now but he did something so i said not to do it and ohs son went off in a pout and went crying to his dad who then proceeded to have a go at me about it ... in front of his son! i honestly think he shouldnt have done that because the boy wont listen to me anyways and i dont want him teaching my chidren awful habbits like he has!
he also said something about the way i talked to him, and to be honest as childish as it may sound... ive stayed out of the way when they have been here and i know it hurts my oh however if all i do is get got at when they are here ive actually given up trying now... sounds awful but he asked me the other day if i liked his son and i couldnt bring myself to say yes, i said hes alright yeah. if step kids were in lounge i stayed in the kitchen and stuff like that... im dreading xmas with them if im honest because i just want a happy day and i dont feel like its going to be that great when he is here... my step daughter is amazing i dont have to tell her off or anything and shes such a great help and even when i have had to say something to her she does as i have asked and she gets on with it however she is 11 and son is 8.
i would ask him what he meant by the way you speak to her? he might actually tell you what she has said if she has been saying things behind eyour bcak ?
does that help any? sorry ih ope i havent rambled on too much about my problems there its actually nice to have a little section when i can get it out to people who might undertand what im going on about x
Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 4:57 pm
In my house i am THE BOSS, even the kids say so, Dad is just Dad and Crisi is the Boss lol,
In my house you live by my rules and the children have settled into it well, i have no problems and they dont back answer or argue when asked to do something, and always do as they are told, (when i tell them) if their dad tells them they tell him he aint the boss
I never have to shout at them, they know the look, and if they are doing something they shouldn't they stop instantly, my Oh calls me Supernanny lol
Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:44 pm
I agree hun, your husband should be on your side when it comes to discipline. My step-daughter is only 5 so when she is naughty it tends to be small things like standing on the sofa or messing about with her dinner. Sometimes I do feel that she has been slightly spoiled at home (is not told to say please and thank you etc) so I can get a bit puritanical about behaviour but my husband is the same way.
In my job, I have a lot of contact with teenagers from all sorts of backgrounds and I think you are totally doing the right thing in telling her when she needs to stop acting up. Is there any way you and your OH could sit down together with her and talk about how everyone is feeling and how it can be changed?
Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 10:11 am
Post subject: step parenting
It's a tricky one all right but my advice is for the two adults to present a untied front. I think that is the most important thing. Kids, no matter what age are stuck in the middle of our dramas and that is not their fault. it is up to us to show them we are happy with one another and what goes with one goes with the other.
Talk to those OH's and establish some ground rules , if little Jimmy is allowed to stay up to 10 at home , or to be a picky eater,that is his other parent's business, what is important is what is allowed in OUR home. if Mum and stepdad, or dad and step mum present a happy , confident and united front it will give the kids confidence in them and the behaviour should follow suit.
Good luck !
Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:59 am
Thanks for all your replies ladies - its just good to get it out and know Im not alone in my worries. I don't want to sound like a cow and make my OH daughter sound awful coz, like I say, 90% of the time she is fine. She is at that stage now here she is getting more independant and wants to be treated like an adult - yet still behave like a child but she can't have it both ways Im affraid.
Me and my OH have had a little 'chat' and he has agreed to back me up in future so I hope he sticks to it.
Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 3:01 pm
this is a very tricky subject!!!
I'm lucky that me and oh will always back each other up in front of the kids ... once the kids are out of the way though its a different story, we will both have our say!! - I do think this is how it should be
9 times out of 10 we agree - we have house rules and there's no exception's to them, the kids know that if there's 1 - 2 or 3 of them in the house nothing changes and they seem to get on well on that principal....that is not to say we never get any issues though!! lol
We have always told the kids if they have a problem within our house (and outside of course!) to come and speak to us and we will address it, and they know we will, I think as time goes on as well they realise we are very very fair - and that doesn't always mean stuff going there way!