Eleanor's DD is here - Happy Birthday sweetheart :-(

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JulieWoo
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Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:52 pm 
Post subject: Eleanor's DD is here - Happy Birthday sweetheart :-(
So its coming up to the time Eleanor should be due.

And its killing me. Cam was born 2 weeks early, so she would be here by now. I know her DD is not for 2 weeks.

I'm just so angry, but writing it here helps. I just want to scream at everyone - i'm SO angry.
I was venting at my mum about how a loving God can take an innocent child - he must really hate me. My mum pointed out that he saved me - i said i never asked to be saved. I would rather he took me and left Eleanor. I wanted to die too when she did - i felt a part of me was lost forever.

The despair, worry and fear that i may never have another child is overwhelming. I know we have once try left at Christmas - but i'm scared - and i feel like i'm betraying Eleanor.
I'm back at work now - and have been for the last few weeks. I dont want to be there, I feel like a freak - putting on a brave face and saying i'm fine when people ask just to appear normal - when i really want to say - No, i'm not okay, but i'm trying to get through it as best i can.
Sorry for offloading ladies.

Julie xx
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Our baby Eleanor lost 6 Apr 10


Last edited by JulieWoo on Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:57 pm; edited 2 times in total
wriggler2008
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Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:05 pm 
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off load all you want and need, it really helps sometimes just writing it down!

i know you are going to get through these next weeks, its such a difficult time but i promise you it will get easier in time, i remember crying a lot over my little girls due date but i never had anyone to talk to about it (didnt feel i could talk to my oh at the time) so i really think if you can talk to someone about how you are feeling it will help you even if it is just on here!

i know how you feel about betraying eleanor but you are not at all, when i fell pregnant with andrew after losing my little lady and a mc at 5 weeks i felt so guilty and i prayed i was having a boy just so that it didnt feel like i was replacing her (which i wasnt anyways!) but trust me you are in no way betraying your little lady, she will be looking down on you and your family and she will want you to be happy and if having another baby will make you happy then im sure she will be with you all the way!

im wishing you all the luck in the world for your next round of ivf, i hope all goes well and i will be thinking of you in the next few weeks, you are strong enough to get through this!
Komolafe
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Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:25 pm 
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Julie im so sorry you and your family are having to go through this pain and suffering. I cannot begin to imagine how any of you feel, particularly you. Dont ever feel like you have to apologise for venting/off loading to us on here as you give so much help, advice and support to all of us in good times and bad so the least we can do is ride this rollercoaster with you.

I cannot pretend to know how it feels to lose a child but i can understand the feeling of loss and desperation when you lose someone unexpected, as what happened to you with baby Eleanor. I dont know if its appropriate for you, but i sought counselling when my dad died very unexpectedly and he was young which made it so shocking. Do you think you may be able to try this to see if it helps to just talk it through on a regular basis? Are there any support groups who meet up so you can share experiences with other parents who have sadly been in the same position.

I dont suppose any words are going to comfort you but please know we are here for you anytime. lots of love x
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tiggerloveshugsisback
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Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:37 pm 
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So sorry Julie that you and your family are going through this. You are an amazing lady to have kept going despite all you have been through. Don't feel that you are betraying Eleanor by trying for another baby, she will always be in your heart.

Thinking of you xx
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JulieWoo
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Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 9:01 pm 
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Thanks so much ladies. I do appreciate your kind words.

I miss her so much. Crying or Very sad So many 'could have beens' 'If only's' and 'what if's'
We are having a special day tomorrow to remember her, and releasing some lanterns up after dark - i hope she sees them from her cloud......
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MiniMeg
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Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 9:19 pm 
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sending u massive hugs and lots of love. thinkin of u and ur family. im sure Eleanor is happy and peaceful on her cloud - god bless her xx
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kittykat25
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:52 pm 
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oh julie im so sorry that Eleanor`s dd is here, these last few months must of been so hard for you i cant even begin to imagine what you are going through, its sounds like you have a special day planned and i think she will be very proud of you, not only will she see the lanterns from her special cloud but i believe she is with you every day, i put a poem on here last year in this section if you not already read it. it might be of some comfort if not i do alpologise,
there`s also a really good website called myforeverchild which sells customised jelwery and things to help remember special angels, if you not already seen it,
my thoughts are with you today and always,
all my love kate xxx
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Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 6:44 pm 
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Julie
I know Eleanors DD has gone by now and Im sure that releasing the laterns must have been such a special and emotional time for you and your family. Just wanted to send you {{Big Hugs}}. Im sure you special little Angel see them from her cloud.
With love Hunni.
Clairex
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Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:08 pm 
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oh julie i am so sorry i dont really know what to say but just want to let u know we are here for you xx
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xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2010 8:12 am 
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Julie I'm so so sorry. I'm glad you could do something nice for Eleanor on her due date, it keeps the focus a little off the sadness.
I can understand completely your sentiments of betrayal at trying for another, I had those very same concerns, & it was in fact a pm to Wriggler that made me realise it's a normal feeling to have. You have so much love to give another child, so let yourself believe you deserve to have that happiness & don't worry as Eleanor will be right there with you every step of the way.
I know the pain never goes away, but I really hope things have got easier for you since the due date has passed, I found the build up to it awful but once it had passed it did feel like I could let myself heal and move on, but never ever forget.
Much love to you all and to Eleanor. xx
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JulieWoo
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Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2010 12:30 pm 
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Thanks ladies, Claire & Victoria,

Claire, thanks for your kind words. Unfortunately, it was too windy to let the lanterns up (we nearly set the hedge on fire next door Shocked ) So we are going to do it this weekend if the wind stays down (we are on the coast). We did manage to release one, and i hope she knows just how very much i miss her, and how much i wish things were different - and she was here with us now.

I just want her back - I know thats not going to happen (i'm not insane), but i was so scared for a while that i was going to go and dig her up Shocked because i hated the thought of her in that tiny white casket in the ground - i tried not to go to the cemetary on my own. I dont think i would have - but its difficult to explain - like when people suffer from vertigo - they want to throw themselves off high points involuntarily.
I'm fine now when i go to see her - i think i just wanted her to be warm (now i am sounding like a crazy lady). Rolling Eyes

Victoria, thank you for saying what you did about trying again. I think self-blame and guilt are a huge factor in child loss. Learning to forgive yourself is hard.

Love Julie xx
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Our baby Eleanor lost 6 Apr 10
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