Should I Back Off?? Sorry...bit of a childish rant.

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jobloggs
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Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:09 am 
Post subject: Should I Back Off?? Sorry...bit of a childish rant.
Hi Everyone,

Just need some advice really.

My OH has 2 children boy age 6 and girl age 3, when I met them, I did not want to push them into hugs etc it took about 4 months to get to the stage where they trusted me and knew im not going anywhere and began to accept me as their daddys gf. They would run to me and give me hugs and it was lovely. I would read to them at bedtime etc etc. But recently, things have changed and it is really annoying. They no longer run to us and barely even speak, all they do at home is play Wii and DS's and they say they do that to give their mum a lie in!.

Little boy has developed a grudge type feeling towards my OH, he punches him and kicks with intent to hurt. He gives us both dirty looks and listens in on everything and repeats to his mum. He barely speaks on the phone (which is always on loudspeaker!) and its small talk and false, I know this really gets to my OH and it also gets to me to see my OH get hurt.

Little girl has started going the same way, just not abusive yet!. She did not speak to her Daddy on the phone for over a week (You can hear her in the back ground obviously being distracted by playing with mum!).

This weekend was the final straw for me, I was feeling very down (Long story I wont bore you with) and what did not help was little girl sat at the dinner table and had a conversation with OH and said she does not like me and looked right at me while she said "I love you Daddy and Brother" and to that my Oh asked what about Nikki and she replied "No I dont love Nikki!". I replied with a childish "I dont love you either!". I wouldnt usually reply something like that but I was hurt. My OH told her off, and explained how it is horrible to be nasty etc.

The rest of the weekend was cr@p and I just did not feel interested in being false and playing. On the 2 hour journey home from dropping them off, me and OH barely spoke and I felt so choked up I couldnt speak. My OH took my hand and then the flood gates opened, I said I feel like I should not be around when he has the children, they are making me feel like im in the way in my own home.

I know it must sound childish all this but I cant even have a cuddle with him without them coming and forcing themselves in between us. I dont rub their noses in it with hugs and kisses with my OH, I barely even get near him and at bedtime his son keeps creeping in to us and one time his son just stood in our door way for ages....just stood there, I thought he was sleep walking and would go back to bed but he didnt, it freaked me out. I nudged my OH and he took him back to his bed.

Anyway I could go on but would never get to the end. So, basically what I am saying is.....should I stay away at weekends to give them family time??

Thanks for reading, I feel better for getting this all off my chest. I will look forward to your opinions and advice on how to deal with this xxx
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xxKatxx
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Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:29 am 
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sounds like a nightmare weekend tbh! is their mum poisoning them do you think? maybe jealous that they'd come and give you cuddles etc and told them not to or not to like you or something?
I don't think you should stay away but I think maybe your OH could have a word with their mum and see if she knows why they're acting they way they are?
or maybe talk to the kids as well to say that they can't behave this way.
Sorry you're having a crappy time of it recently honey, hope it gets better soon
xxx
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ClairaBell
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Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:34 am 
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I know exactly where you are coming from and I have often had these feelings to stay away when the kids come.

My youngest step-daughter used to be like this. She was 4 when I got with my oh. It was as though she wanted oh to herself and didn't want to know me. But instead of running away I stayed and sat it out. It has been hard-going, but now we are so close,and this weekend she called me her parent. Things like this make me well up. Rolling Eyes Laughing Both children i would imagine are probably confused at the minute.

With the little boy sneaking in, my guess is he is scared of missing something. Maya is still like this now - she doesn't sneak in, but she always wants to come to ours in the week etc.

I really hope things get better for you. x
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jobloggs
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Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:47 am 
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Hi Kat, Thanks for your reply.

Yeah, you hit the nail right on the head. The mum is obviously giving off negative feelings and they are changing. She gets very jealous, as when they have gone home previously, they have had such fun with us and must go on about us alot, which must annoy her.

Once, they were sat at the breakfast table and girl nearly fell off chair, I said to be carefull and boy said "Mummy said we dont have to do what you say!".

Also, they used to always say "Mummy has got them" "Mummy does that" until it was every thing we did, I had to stop it so I said "I dont care what ya mums got!!!" and that stopped it for a bit.

They always come to us in ripped scruffy clothes, no clean underwear, we had them for a week and she only packed 2 sets of clothes! pee stained smelly pjamas...I could go on but wont, it makes me so angry because I know I would be such a better mother than her.

My OH did speak to them and said to stop being horrible but it just seemed to go in one ear and out the other, think they have both been poisioned against us both and it will only get worse, and I am dredding it Crying or Very sad

xxx
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Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:59 am 
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Thanks Claire,

I really do think it is a jealousy thing with the childrens mum. I will ride out this rollercoaster and hope it doesnt de-rail at some point. My main concern is my OH, he is stuck in the middle and I dont want him to feel he has to choose between us.

I do feel upset about it, because I was getting very close with them, playing games and having cuddles and they warmed to me after a while and now I feel im back to day 1, its been ever since the children asked about me when they spoke to OH on phone.

I think I need to try and get it across to them that im not trying to be their mum and would never try to take her place. I always speak about her in a positive manner even though deep underneath I think very differently, she obviously doesnt show me the sme kind of respect.

xxx
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ALF76
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Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 7:16 pm 
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Oh God....I am feeling your pain. I think being a step mom is such a difficult job - I never know quite where I fit in. You have to accomodate the children in your life and make allowances with your time, home, money everything but then get told "your not my mom"! I've been with my husband for four and a half years and his two boys are 10 & 12 and it has got easier but we still have our moments. We recently told the boys that we are expecting a baby and they were genuinely happy but then a week later it all changed....grr.

I have gone through the stage of not wanting to be around when they are with us but you can't go on like that, so what I do it when things are feeling toough I just go shopping for a few hours or to a friends for coffee so the boys have some time with their dad & i keep my sanity - but at the same time don't completely avoid them.

I think the best thing to do is what the other lady said (apologies I didn't make note of your name before typing this Embarassed ) just remember that they are just children and it must be hard on them sometimes & confusing. I have to remember that frequently!

Best of luck
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Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 9:21 am 
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Awww Crying or Very sad thank you ALF76, you seem to know exactly how I feel. I thought I was being selfish and childish, I am so glad I got it all off my chest. thanks for your advice and thanks to all you other lovely ladies who took the time to reply.

Best wishes to you all, love n hugs xxx
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michelletv
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Posted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 1:24 pm 
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Its tough being a step parent. i am one to 2 boys, but my situation is different. they are lovely boys who respect me and my home.
If i was you, i would go out of my way to make the weekends really fun for them. give them hugs even if they dont want it. they will soon warm up to you. Let them see for themselves that you are not the Ugly step mother , their own mother is making you out to be. encourage them to talk with you and try to make things happy for them. they seem unhappy and confused which is obviously their mothers fault. but you can change that by being positive and sticking it out.
God blessxxx
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Angelcake71
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:47 am 
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Nik310509 wrote:
Thanks Claire,

I really do think it is a jealousy thing with the childrens mum. I will ride out this rollercoaster and hope it doesnt de-rail at some point. My main concern is my OH, he is stuck in the middle and I dont want him to feel he has to choose between us.

I do feel upset about it, because I was getting very close with them, playing games and having cuddles and they warmed to me after a while and now I feel im back to day 1, its been ever since the children asked about me when they spoke to OH on phone.

I think I need to try and get it across to them that im not trying to be their mum and would never try to take her place. I always speak about her in a positive manner even though deep underneath I think very differently, she obviously doesnt show me the sme kind of respect.

yes you should do this hun, perhaps also give your OH the opportunity to spend time with the kids without you.. maybe a few hours down the park or something.. these may help things a little x

xxx

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Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2011 12:31 pm 
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I am sorry to hear of the situation you are in, the only advice i can give is that it does get easier where the children are concerned, they learn to adapt and are more forth coming than their parents,
I understand how you feel though, as a step mum you cant ever do right for doing wrong,
I am in a very similar situation,
If ever you need to chat you can always PM me,
Stars x
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yvonne1975
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 7:09 am 
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i cant advise anyone on being a step parent as i was a rubbish one, my oh eneded up walking out over issues with is son, but i keep getting texts from step sons mum as to when i am picking her boy up from school i told her to contact his dad but i know fine well he wont, so i got the hint i was being used as a babysitter when everyone else couldnt be bothered and if anything went wrong it was my fault, being a step parent is rubbish and you will always lose in the end as you are never right xx sorry for sounding hard and abrupt but thats my experiance and you may have read from my other posts xx
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