Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 9:12 pm
Post subject: Ok, so here goes...a wee rant needed!!
Tomorrow would have been the day our first child would have been born, but also the day i would be exactly 20 weeks with my second child and both ended in m/c. What the bleep did i do wrong for this to happen to me?!
I just am not coping at all. I try to keep myself busy and have been feeling ok but its just hit me again and i can feel myself sinking. I need to talk myself into going out, i even at times need to psyche myself up for going out to work. I seen the doc and asked to be referred to a counsellor. I received a letter and i had to opt in, which i did and have been waiting forever on an appointment. I just feel really down and emotional ALL the time. And i am a control freak and can't control what's going on which makes everything worse atm.
We are going to speand the day together and let a balloon off so hopefully that will help. Sorry just needed to get it out before i go mad!! xx
Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 8:08 am
Sorry you are feeling so low, but please know that it is normal I had to go through my due date 2 weeks ago & my OH was working away & I was alone all day & I just sobbed my heart out all day. It was like I was back having the mc it was all very raw & all the suppressed emotions just came flooding back like a tidal wave. But I knew it would be a difficult day & I knew that I just had to get through it the best that I could. So don't be too hard on yourself, just get through the day as best you can & don't expect too much from yourself.
I too am a control freak & sometimes the emotional aspect of a miscarriage just can't be controlled as underneath all of that you are just a human being who has experienced such loss & it is the bodys normal way of dealing with grief. You HAVE to go through these emotions in order to get to the other side. Its a normal process of grief.
I am sending you a big hug for today & hoping with all my heart that you get your dream of your baby very soon, but in the meantime just be kind to yourself xxx
Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:55 am
sending you big hugs hunni... I also let a Balloon of for my baby which would have been due in May 2011.. bad things always happen to good people! xx
Tubal Reversal 19/7/10
Angel Baby due 18/5/2011 (ectopic)
Angel Baby due 25/1/2012 (m/c)
Angel Baby due 21/6/2012 (m/c)
All 3 much loved and wanted xx
Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 8:51 am
Thanks Nixxie. Yeah it really feels like i've suppressed all these emotions, but all i've done is cry so i didn't think i'd have any tears left. Thanks hun, all of what you said made total sense, i just wish i could make the pain go away. Did your pregnancy ease that pain?! xxx
Thanks rachey xxx
Thanks angelcake. We never let the balloon off, we ended up getting into a fight, probably cause we were both so uptight, but we went a walk, bought some new stuff from next to change our livingroom colourscheme (Time for a change) and went for lunch then we had cuddles and watched private practice which was what i wanted to do and ended up spending the night crying but got it out my system. How are you feeling now?! Do you think things have got easier as the months have gone on since your due date?! xxx
Thanks Claire. How are you doing hun?! xxx
Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 9:57 am
Glad you got through the day hun! I can't say that the pregnancy has eased the pain, I think that time passed has made it less raw & more easier to deal with. But I knew I had 2 choices, let myself drown and become an emotional wreck or try pick myself up & accept that 'it wasn't meant to be'. I think that was where the control freak part of me actually helped. I am used to always being so focused & in control & in the end I didn't like the person I had become, I would look in the mirror & see a washed out, bloodshot eyed wreck & I was like 'who are you'??
I think in truth the pain never goes away, you just find better ways of dealing with it that are less destructive. Another pregnancy can never replace the baby you have lost. I feel and always will feel that I have 2 babies, one in my tummy & one in the sky.
Big hugs to you xxx
Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 10:25 am
Thanks for replying again. I thought i was dealing with it and moving on, i've had another m/c since the first and it was like grieving for 2 babies as i had tried to get pregnant right away, not to replace my first baby but i just wanted to be pregnant again (I'm not sure if that makes sense). I thought i've been doing well and getting on with things, and we are ttc again but i feel like there is still this cloud over me, it affects me going out, even walking, i never go shopping anymore. I just feel i've lost all my confidence.
I'm glad that you found this confidence to pick yourself up, i'm hoping that one day that will happen to me. Thanks for replying though, it really helps to know that there is hope to me feeling better and that time will help.
Yep i agree, i'm a mummy, its just they aren't with me. At least with this pregnancy you have got an angel looking out for you both and that will always be with your baby when they are born.
Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 10:32 am
Just be kind to yourself x losing a baby/babies is full of emotions that no-one unless they have been there can understand. You will get there....just try the best you can so that the effects of the 2 mc don't effect your positivity towards a third time lucky! Not easy I know, but do the best you can, its all you can do right now, don't expect any more xx
And likewise, maybe you have 2 angels that are looking out for you too xxx
Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 7:35 pm
I have been in the same place, on our due day with baby1 I was upset and having a duvet day on the sofa when my MIL barged in full of joy celebrating that a cousin is pregnant - some people just dont think!
If you ask around its awful, but almost normal to loose a few precious babies before you get the one to keep forever. By that I mean dont give up. A lot of people have been in the same place and they now have happy healthy babies.
Look after each other.