what have i done to deserve my life

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andie76
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 9:27 am 
Post subject: what have i done to deserve my life
im just fed up with everything. all down to me not being pregnant this month really. i do opks so i know when that happened...and im due on on fri...did some asda tests at the weekend/monday and nothing...so i know im out. but im going to go to boots later as theyve got bogof on frer's so im going to get a couple of packs...really for next month but ive saved a sample from this morning as if its negative i can definately count myself out as frer have always given me a positive by now. deep down i think after all the bleeding last month ive got more chance of a sucessful pregnancy if it happens next month as my lining may not be that thick this month. but i really wanted it and time is ticking on and on.

if it happens next month its going to be christmas time (well, early dec) we'll be announcing it, that just seems so long away. we've got to get through amelies anniversaries (due date/birthday/funeral) next year, and i'll have another mothers day and birhday without a baby with us. also i desperately wanted to have a baby in my arms for oh's sisters wedding at the end of next may to take away some of the pain of amelie not being there. as theyll induce me that could stil happen should we get lucky next month...but whats the betting im not. plus who's to say im not going to lose another one.

plus theres amanda holden in the papers. of course im happy for her but she;s made it look so easy. well i got pregnant after 3months aswell but mine didnt work out. i just feel like it makes me look a failure when everyone can see she's done it, so why hvent i. then theres beyonce parading her bump. i listened to a phone in on radio 2 yesterday about women feeling jealous etc when other women announce their pregnancies. made me feel much better, and also made me realise i should be grateful i can get pregnant..some of the women were told they could never get pregnant/carry a baby. so very sad.

anyway, ive got an appointment to see the dr who did my 1st erpc in a couple of weeks. im going to get him to refer me to the london miscarriage clinic as i just cant take anymore. everything that can go wrong has gone wrong, and then some more. i dont have one miscarriage, i have 3. i have the tests done but theres nothing wrong with me so theres nothing they can do. i have a miricle healthy baby but she dies. i have a missed miscarriage which needs not one operation but 2 to remove it. it drags on for not the normal 4days/1 week, but 5 weeks.

i could go and on but i wont..... i went to the sands meeting last month. i dont think i'll be going back. it was ok but i just found it very negative and we try to be as positive as posible and i dont really want to get negative ideas in my head (they were all saying not to expect to enjoy the next pregnancy and things like that where as im determined to do all i can to enjoy it hard as it will be. as far as im concerned a new baby deserves just as much excitement as we had with amelie, and so do i) however ive met one of the girls for coffee since and am seeing a couple of others off the website soon so it'll be nice to chat a bit more informally.

once af has come and gone and we start trying again i'll pick myself back up and get the positivity back. i just have to blank out months/dates etc and let it happen when it happens.

i think back to the night we did our 1st ever pregnnancy test and it was positive. we thought we were so lucky getting pregnant 1st try. i wish i could go back to then and be that person i was. i wonder if im being punished for not fully appreciating how lucky we were.

i always think/thought things happen for a reason but i will never understand why this has happened. i wonder if im in some sick game. all i ever wanted was a big family. now i have 5 babies in heaven. is this the gamble - do i leave my life here to look after my family in heaven? but i would never ever do that, of course not for oh (although i sometimes wonder would he be better off without me - to find a woman with a "normal" body who wouldnt give him so much heartbreak but who could give him the family he deserves), but also my nieces and nephew who im very very close to. also is that the catch, if i did leave to go and be with my angels would i find that i cant be with them because i took the easy way out of this life.

there are so may brave people out there who suffer from things like terminal cancer. you see interviews with them and they say no, they dont wonder "why me"..it has to be someone so why shouldnt it be them.

im afraid i ask all the time "why me" Crying or Very sad
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KaBum
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 10:24 am 
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Oh Andie,

I feel stupid for writing this reply, because I simply don't have the words (so why exactly am I writing it?? I don't know).

Although I know it won't help you particularly I just wanted to send you my love and tell you that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are so lovely and supportive on the boards to everyone else and I sincerely hope you get all the happiness you deserve really really soon xxx
Komolafe
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:23 am 
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I can only echo what has just been said Andie. It must be devestating for you. You have been through so much and I hope your happiness is not too far away.

Sending you lots of positive vibes and thinking of you xxx
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Corrie22
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 12:53 pm 
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Andie, I don't think you have done anything to deserve what's happened to you. Bad things happen to good people. Its not fair and there are no answers as to why, but one thing is for sure, your oh needs you and your family need you.

I think pushing to get to that clinic is a really good idea, you deserve the very best of medical care.

I think you are right about blanking out the months and dates etc, its just putting more pressure on you. If the wedding is going to cause you pain, you don't have to go. Even if you decide to go nearer the time, tell yourself you don't have to, it's your choice. Just concentrate on yourself.

I know this might sound stupid as we've never met but I think about you often and wish you the strength to get through this.
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andie76
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Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 12:55 pm 
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thank you so much for the replies..its bizarre to have people ive never met in the "real world" be so kind and caring to take a minute to say something that may sound of no use to you, but means the world to me.

i think its just come to a head as on sunday i got a negative hpt then we went to my mum&dads with my sister & family. her little boy is 4months older than amelie and an absolute dream...he is just the cutest little thing. i see them loads but on sunday i couldnt stop thinking how it would have been if amelie was there. taking it in turns to eat in the high chair...then i thought no, knowing my mum&dad theyd have bought another one so theyd both be sitting in them together. both getting bathed together and in cosy slepsuits with a bottle before we all left to go home.

ive bought the frer's and used one...100% negative...at first i tried holding it up to the light just to double check til i realised at 13/14 dpo i would never need to do that to see the line so im def out.

i feel calmer now (maybe because of the glass of wine ive just had - it is lunchtime after all!) because at least i know where i am.

all i want is to be pregnant and have something positive in my life, and something to to look forward to.

thanks again girls, i'll do what i always do, take a deep breath and carry on Very Happy

xxx
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xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:55 am 
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Andie, I'm so so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm in tears reading your post as you really do not deserve what you have been through and I can just get a small idea of the pain you're feeling now. It is so so hard, but try not to focus on the dates, this really does make things so much worse, I was always doing that & it's only the last 6 mths or so that I've stopped and feel much better for it.
It doesn't help seeing all the pregnancies in the media, especially like you say Amanda Holden when she has lost a baby & has managed to fall preg again so quickly. Not that you don't wish that for them, but that you wish it could be you too. It's been over 2 yrs since I lost dd but still no further on, when the likes of Lily Allen & Kym Marsh have managed to fall again in the mean time, I just wish we could both join them!
It must be terribly hard with your nephew being so close in age and obviously with it being your sister it's very hard to avoid if you need the space. I had my SIL have a little girl the month after I lost dd and my uncle a little girl 2 wks after her due date, but to this day I have still not seen either of them, luckily SIL lives abroad!

I think it's a great way forward to get referred to the LMC, I think if you can see an end in sight then things are much easier, and hopefully they will be able to provide you with the light at the end of the tunnel.

I ask 'why me' too Andie, we're all human and just want an easy life and I'm sure the people that say 'it has to be someone...' only say that as a way of coming to terms with their situation. Just focus on whatever gets you through (believe me I've had many a glass of wine to help get me through) and try not to worry about other people, we all think & grieve in different ways.

I really hope that you are given a break soon with a sticky BFP. xx
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xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 8:00 am 
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Sorry I've just read that back & it sounds like it's all 'me'...I really didn't mean for it to sound like that, I just wanted you to know you're not alone. xx
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andie76
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Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 12:42 pm 
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thanks so much vic, i really appreciate your reply. Rather than it being all about you, I see it that youre sharing your experience/feelings with me which is a huge help/support in this lonely journey, so thank you Smile

i feel so much better today. af arrived last night and as oh said pmt was probably contributing a whole lot to my feelings...especially with the ups and downs my body has had after the last few months.

after reading your message yesterday ive been trying desperately hard not to be beaten by the "dates demons" and i do feel better for that.

however once af arrived - a day early - i was on my phone/computer working out when we'll be bd'ing, when i'll be testing, when our 12wk and 20wk scan would be and of course when the due date would be....however i was on here the first month we tried and have always written down our bd & ov dates so i think thats just me, when i want to do something i like to be thorough so ive always been obsessed about the whole thing!!!

the only other thing 'll say just to get it all off my chest is that i realised since amelie died ive had so many friends saying to me, oh youll have to come over for coffeee sometime etc...but when its come down to it ive not had one text/message from anyone asking me if i want to pop over...if i see anyone its because i arranged it. just annoys me that in 7months none of them have had an hour or 2 to spare...and oh was trying to give me reasons why they might not have done (they might feel awkward, they might not be sure id want to go round when their children/babies are there etc)but i said to him, why do we have to make up excuses for people on top of everything else...if they feel awkward then they can think about how i feel and get over it, and if theyve got kids how about asking someone to look after them for an hour or 2.. they havent made any effort full stop. arghhhh. i need to be stong aswell because now and again (especially with my best friend) i think right thats it, im leaving it now and if she wants to see me she can arrange it...then a couple of months later i go and invite them down again.

that was upsetting me yesterday but like i say, im much brighter today, espcially as th sun is shining!

thanks again for your reply (and actually to all of you for all of them....i was so busy getting my 1st post written down i forgot to write no-one need reply, i just find if i have a rant and get it all written down it helps me clear my head and move on. so grateful to get your replies though Very Happy )

xxx
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xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 10:31 am 
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I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now hun, I think once the initial day of af is out the way you can get on with this month, something positive to focus on for a few weeks. And I really hope you get that sticky bfp at the end of this cycle

I do the same with ov dates, due dates, etc. But try not to focus on setting an actual target for a bfp by such & such a date, I've done that so many times and it really does hit hard when you don't achieve it. So now I just leave it to what will be will be (although I've already worked out my edd if this ivf cycle works & it will be 23rd June - same day I lost dd - so I think that will be hard if it doesn't work as it just seems 'meant to be' right now)

When I read about people not inviting you round for coffee, etc, the first thing I thought of is that they are leaving the ball in your court as they prob don't know how/what to say. But you are absolutely 100% right and you shouldn't need to make excuses for them! But don't let it eat away at you, if it's getting to you then maybe ask them round for coffee and take it from there, the ball is in their court after that....

Focus on yourself & oh hun and everything else that keeps you smiling. xx
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Angelcake71
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Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 9:09 am 
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Sad Just wanted to say that I have read your post Andie.. and am sending you lots of Cyber Hugs... you are a very brave lady!! Love xx
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dollychops2
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:53 am 
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lots of love to you Kiss
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JulieWoo
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Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 9:13 pm 
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Andie,
just checking to see how youre getting on. I too found the Sands forum too depresing. It was okay while i was deep in grief, but at some point you need to move forward, and wallowing in the past doesnt help you. (not that youre wallowing) - its just all the loss and sadness hold you back.

Its still hard, even now after 18 months for me - but if you need to plan ahead do it. Its not wrong, just your way of dealing with it all.

I hope you are finding a way forward re the r/c m/c? Have you been referred yet? I wonder if you have had the level 1 and level 2 immunes done? (The chicago tests) - Natural Killer cells should be tested too.
I see alot of ladies on the Care board who have slight immune issues that have been helped with low dose steroids (they lower your immune response) and reduce the risks of m/c. Others have much worse immune reactions (only picked up in the level 2 tests) and have intralipid infusions. They are slightly contraversial - but they definately work for many of the ladies with immune issues.

Hope i have given you something to think about. Plan - its what we women do best Wink

love Julie xxx
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Angelcake71
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Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:17 am 
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thinking of you Andie XX
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andie76
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Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 2:42 pm 
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Thanks for the messages and sorry its taken me so long to come on and reply...ive just been trudging through each day so havent been on for a while.

Ive got my appointment through for the mc clinic which is fab news so if i get bfp this cycle thats amazing, but if not we've got the appointment to "look forward" to a couple of days later.

the downside is you cant ttc for the 3months between testing and getting results which i dont think i can do but im hoping to get my bfp before that & then we couldnt got for the 1st appoinment anyway (you have to cancel your consultation if youre pg but we didnt know that til after id ov'd - but i doubt we'd have stopped if we'd have known). the internal and blood tests are all done on the day of the consultation then you have more tests 6wks later and the results 6wks after that...i doubt think all the tests need re-doing that 2nd time so im sure we could get some results from the 1st lot if i got pg after having them done. The professor/dr might even give us some indication at the consultation as ive had to fill out and send a very detailed questionnaire with all my/our history with the help of my dr.

perhaps im buring my head in the sand but i really believe everything leads to sticky blood - thats why the asprin helped me carry amelie to term but didnt prevent her having low birth weight (maybe due to me having to stop the asprin at 34wks & blood thickened up then - makes me wonder why they dont scan between stopping the asprin & giving birth)
im going to be put on clexane next time which is more effective than asprin which should do the trick if im right.

a friend who's daughter was also stillborn recently had a mmc which cements what ive been thinking about the last mc - it was just a one off.

i think if i have another mc i'll have to believe there really is some other underlying cause, but we'll see what they say at the clinic...

but i still hope i get my bfp & cant go!!

xxx
(apart from all that im not too bad. dreading xmas, i dont want anything to do with it. its so painful thinking back to last year & me finishing work on xmas eve for my maternity leave, driving home listening to "driving home for christmas" and thinking what a special meaning it had that year...so much to look forward to, the best time of our lives..everytime i hear christmas music it takes me back there & its sickening to think how different this christmas will be...but i keep telling myself, its just another day, another 24hours..we'l get through it Smile )

pps sorry iveedited this a couple of times but its still a huge ramble!!
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xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 9:03 am 
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Andie, how are you hunni? Have you had your appointment at the mc clinic?

I hope you've been able to get some answers and be given lots of hope for what the future hold.

I'm always thinking about you xxxx
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