Help after losing a baby.

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xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:04 am 
Post subject: Help after losing a baby.
Hi ladies, just had a thought about offering practical help/ideas to ladies facing the loss of a baby later in pregnancy or through stillbirth or neo-natally.

Although I had suffered bleeding from 11 weeks plus being admitted twice to hospital for a few days each time, it still came as a shock when I lost Isabella at just over 20 weeks as things had actually started to improve in the 2 wks before. So I honestly didn't have any idea what to do when it did happen.

So I'll share some things that have/would have helped me and I'll add to it as I think of more, feel free to share if you can too.

-Having a 4 year old at the time of my loss, we made the decision of not letting him see her as we thought it would be too upsetting. However, it is the fact that he didn't see her that continues to upset him, even over 1 year on. If I could live it over again, then I would have let him see her and have a cuddle.
-I bought a book called 'A Star for Bobby', this has been a fantastic book for us to read to our Son. It was written by a teacher who also lost a baby.
-I purchased 2 sets of a teddy & blanket, one went in the coffin and one I have. Not only has it been a comfort to our son but also to me too.
-I didn't post on SANDS but I did join and reading their forum & website really helped. You can also chat to someone over the phone or go to local SANDS meetings.
-The PALS lady at our hospital was amazing, I didn't know where to start with organsing a funeral & tbh I didn't feel strong enough to do it so she organised the funeral for us & she was there for us for anything.
--We got pictures of Isabella and also her hand and foot prints taken, the PALS lady also went & found out how much she weighed & how long she was and got us a 'blessing' certificate. These little things make things easier for us, to recognise she did exist (losing a baby before 24 wks, they are not 'officially' recognised with a death/birth certificate)

I wish no one had to face the loss of a precious baby, but at the very least I hope some practical ideas will help at least a little with dealing with such an awful loss. xxxx
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JulieWoo
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Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 5:29 pm 
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Great idea Vicki.

I was worried about the cost of a funeral. BUT all baby funerals should be FREE. Most funeral directors dont charge for their services or the casket, most vicars dont either.
You may find the hospital Bereavement officer will come and see you, and offer to make the arrangements for you.
Most hospitals have arrangements with a local funeral director - ours was the Co-op, and they provided all the services including the plot. Any extras inc flowers expect to pay for - but we did out own.

Sharon very kindly sent us a blanket with Eleanors name embroidered on it - we had no idea really what we should be doing!

If there is a bereavement midwife in the hospital - she should be allocated to you, if not ask for one. Usually the hospital will offer to take the babys hand and foot prints and dress him/her for you. I was actually scared to touch her, i dont know why - i think i was worried she would be stiff Crying or Very sad They have keepsake boxes and should put your babys name tag and any keepsakes for you.

Take as many photos as you can - its the only time you will get the chance.

It was 6 months since we lost Ellie on weds. Sad - just after my ectopic. I dont think 'him upstairs' likes me.
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DL05
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Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:05 pm 
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Well i'm not keen on him upstairs Julie x
When my sister lost her son the Co-op did his funeral for free , he wasn't a baby he was 8 but they were great and took care of everything when she really didn't feel up to it . I don't know how she coped although I know she said the happy memories help , so I really feel for women who lose their babies before they have a chance to make those memories x
xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Sat Oct 09, 2010 1:03 pm 
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Thanks for adding ladies, wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not.
So sorry to hear about your Nephew Nat, I completely understand the thing about memories - I think the later you lose them the harder it is because you do have those memories but at the same time it's the memories that make it easier too. Losing my little girl at 20 wks was very hard, much much harder than an early loss I had, but I am grateful I got to see her on scans 6 times, feel her moving for 6 wks and got to cuddle with her. Few memories but precious ones.

The funeral directors also did everything for us for free, the only thing we would have had to buy was a plot if we wanted (about 150 for half plot) but we chose the free plot (shared between 3 babies) I thought it'd be nice in a strange way for her to not be lonely. However, (although we are not really religious), they do ask what religion you are and as my oh is from muslim background no other babies have been put in the same plot as I believe they try to put the same religion together. This is the only thing I can think of as all the other shared plots that came after are being filled.
It's so hard to have faith Julie when these things are dealt to us, but I hope 'he' starts to be kinder real soon! xx
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JulieWoo
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:37 pm 
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For us both. xxx
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Our baby Eleanor lost 6 Apr 10
Angelcake71
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 2:23 pm 
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Smile Brilliant idea Victoria, so sorry for your loss hun and for anyone that has gone through this xx
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sexyblack2011
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Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 2:37 am 
Post subject: a loss of a baby
hey ladies im a 21 year old mom whom loss a baby after the doctor came in and told me he was fine and it was time to go home my baby lived a month and two days after he was in the world.I was worried that i wouldnt be able to pay the cost of the funeral and didnt know that it was going to be free.i just hope the lord will make a way to bless me with another baby
xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 5:45 am 
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Hi Sexyblack, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your little boy. The cost of the funeral can be an incredible worry at such an awful time, but I haven't heard of any funeral directors charging for a child's funeral.
I too hope you are blessed with another baby real soon. xx
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nevabamum
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:45 am 
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hiya ladies..
i am 21 yrs old and i have suffered three misscarriages 1 in 2009 at 14 weeks 1 in 2010 at 7 wks and the hardest of them all is April 17th 2011 i gave birth for 11 hours all to lose my baby boy at 5 months of pregnancy even thought a loss is hard i think its different when you've bonded with your baby in the womb for such a long time i held my son along with my partner and even thought i asked the hospital to give me somthing not to prolong my labour they never i have now buried my son Mason... i feel like now i dont want kids as if im creating them then whilst their inside me growing my body rejecting them i see people with kids all the time an i look at them and they think u dont deserve a child the hospital are investitagin still no result back an this was 12 wks ago now i have a picture of my gawjus boy and he'll never ever b forgotten i am undergoin treatment from the docters for depressions an as my what would of been my due date gets closer im getttin more and more upset i jus need someone 2 talk to thanks xxxx
xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:33 am 
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Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses Sad Mason will always be a part of you and although it may not feel like it now, I'm sure in time you will want to keep trying. I went through feeling that way after my 2nd loss, I convinced myself I didn;t want a baby anymore, but in reality it was the defenses I was putting up as I wasn't ready to deal with anymore pain life could thow at me.
It's over 2 years since I lost my daughter at a similar stage to you and we're still trying, it's hard but I feel much stronger & more determined than ever that I will get to bring a baby home.
Not only do you need to try & get answers for why you lost Mason, you also need to see about having other tests as to whether there is a reason for all your losses. They look at things like blood clotting disorders, auto-immune issues, etc. While the investigations are still happening, try and take the time to concentrate on yourself & your partner, it's hard going on a relationship but it can make you stronger than ever.
Reaching your due date is not easy at all, it was almost as hard as the day I lost my daughter, but I found that after the day has passed things did seem to get easier, it allowed me to have some sort of closure. Maybe see if you can plan something for your due date - I made a flower arrangement to take to the grave, I let off some balloons, lit my SANDS candle and sent a couple of chinese lanterns up to her. It made it feel like I could do something for her.
I hope you get some answers soon. Anytime you need to chat there's usually ladies around to help. xx
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BinkyPower
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Posted: Sun May 27, 2012 7:03 am 
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Its almost 26 & a half years since I lost one of my twins at 35 weeks, I was totally unprepared for it. Everything had progressed normally since a slight bleed at 12 weeks.
Sadly I never got to see him, hold him, kiss or cuddle him. They had arranged it all for the next day as we wanted our time to get to know our new son - his brother - but the doctors in their infinte wisdom had already took him for his PM & we advised not to see him after that.
Even the lady at the hospital who was helping us was shocked they'd done this, but apparentely they where bust so just "fitted him in when they could" I'll never forget those words.
We had one son already who was just over 2, but never told him about his brother.
I went on to have 3 more children after, but I'll always be a Mum of six & not five.
We have never had any help with anything & had to borrow the money to bury him properly, we had him cremated & then buried at our local church, even though we aren't overly religious this felt the right thing to do.

Worst was that everyone said well your lucky to have one baby or similar, but I wanted my twins to show off, dress in the clothes I'd bought, sit in the twin pram I'd bought, grow up together, but it wasn't to be.

I have no reason as to why this happened, no momento really, just a polaroid picture of a baby with a dark green hopital sheet covering everything but his little face, that I've looked at one, but will never forget. It wasn't & isn't enough.

It only came out last year about our still birth, so we've finally found the courage to tell his brothers & sisters about him, we've never denied him, but couldn't acknowledge him either.

It hurts as much now as it did then, sorry just needed to write somewhere. I know life goes on I've got 2 grandchildren now too with another on the way but I'll always be stuck on 17th September 1985 when I was told the devastating news. My twins where born one week later on the 25th Spetember

Miss you forever my baby. xx
briannaleighh
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Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 8:34 pm 
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i just recently turned 16 years old, i was 15 years old and 26 weeks pregnant i knew what i was having i had her name picked out for her and everything. i was feeling her move all the time and then just one day i didnt feel her move at all and it was still a good 2 weeks before my checkup i still wasnt feeling her move i thought it was normal cause i know they dont always move all the time, but i went to my appt and they were looking for the heartbeat and couldnt find it. i didnt think anything of it at first because my midwife had told me that these things happen, well she went and got the ultra sound machine, and they did the ultrasound and they still couldnt find anything, i thought i found her heart beat but it was actually my heart beat, she told me the doctor would be in to see me soon and then like an hour later the doctor came in and told me that my baby is not alive i was so crushed and hurt and i didnt wanna be alive anymore. the doctor had sent me home that day with my deceased baby in me still and told me that i need to come back tomorrow morning and make an appt to deliver. so we came back the next morning and they put me in the hospital they induced me so my labor would start. i got there around 1 in the afternoon and started to feel the contractions at 8 i had my daughter at midnight on january 6th which would make it january 7th. i was 26 weeks pregnant and she only weighed 9 1/2 ounces. i knew something was wrong when they told me she was only 9 1/2 ounces. we had no idea why this happened. my placenta was perfect the cord was great. so they did a bunch of blood work and they told me i had factor v leiden and MTHFR which are clotting disorders. they said that was the reason why i lost my daughter. well im 29 weeks pregnant now and at the beginning of my pregnancy i was taking blood thinners in my belly everyday, well i went to see a specialist because my doctors office had closed and the specialist took me off the needles because neither one of my parents have this disorder and ive never had a blood clot. im still confused about all of that but i believe the specialist, he also told me that its a 1% chance outta of a million that it would happen again, he also said that it was a chromosome problem that my daughter had thats why she died. i worry everyday if im gonna lose this baby to. im having another girl, they say shes very healthy last time i was at the doctors was 27 weeks and she weighed 2 pounds 3 ounces. i really hope this baby will make it. i had a terrible expierence and i never wanna go through that again i thought my whole world crashed on me when i lost her. i miss her so much i think about her everyday. i had her cremated because i really wanted her to be with me, i had called a lawyer and had told him everything that happened and he told me i coulda sued the hospital. a doctor didnt delivery my baby, a nurse did and my mother, my mother cleaned me up. the hospital lose her cord they lost the piece they were going to give me. i didnt hold her i was to scared, but they did give me a cd with her pictures and i did watch it. she was so tiny.
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