Adoption and TTC.

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Pumpkintoots
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Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 6:03 pm 
Post subject: Adoption and TTC.
My husband and myself attended an adoption information evening this week and I was told I would have to go on some form of birth control while we went through the process. They explained why but I was still a little upset that we would have to do this to adopt. Even if we fell pregnant while we were adopting I would never back out as I want to adopt, we would be over the moon in fact! It made me mad that the people who have children taken off them for mistreating them don't get asked to go on birth control and can carry on having children and abusing them, yet myself and my husband who have so much love to give have been asked to stop trying for a baby. The whole process I ahve been told could take 3 years, by that time I would be 41 and would never be able to have a child with my husband.

Sorry if I sound selfish as I know there are many of you who are adopting that can't have children naturally.
DL05
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 10:22 am 
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You don't sound selfish to me at all Pumpkin,its perfectly natural to want to have a biological child with your OH , I was fuming when i read that they'd asked you to do this, personally it would put me off wanting to do it as I think they ask too much of people Mad Shocked you don't see the likes of angelina jolie being told she can't adopt because she also wanted a baby with her OH do you Rolling Eyes
to expect you to not try for what could be 3yrs before they give you a definate decision is ridiculous (imho) Shocked ,
when at any point they could turn round and turn you down Shocked , and who's to say you wouldn't back out for some other reason anyway Question
After reading some stories i'm surprised anyone sticks it out to the final stages Shocked
Theres no way i could ever go on birth control after getting this far so i can understand what a blow it must have been for you both Sad ,
I suppose your 3 choices are,
do as they ask , with the possibility of really regretting it later,
or pretend to do as they ask (I presume they don't expect you to provide pee samples for proof Shocked Rolling Eyes ) and leave it to mother nature ,
or maybe look at fostering for now and see how that would work out with moving to adoption in the future as i'm sure its a much easier route and you get to help other children in the meantime Very Happy
Its not an easy decision to make , but after all you've been through to try and have a child of your own could you really see yourself giving up on that completely for an adoption that may or may not happen Question xx
Laura77
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 12:37 pm 
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Hi there,

We are also going through the process but this is the first I've heard of having to go on birth control. This seems extremely over the top to me!

We have also been to an information evening as well as the orientation day. We were only told that 6 months had to pass between any fertility treatment and our next step, which is handing in our initial questionnaire and beginning background and medical checks.

I do know, however, someone who fell pregnant near the end of the adoption process and ended up adopting a little girl who was just 72 days older than their son!

I'm not sure what else to say to this. I can see where they might be coming from but when we, as adopters, have to give up our dignity to be fine-tooth-combed and judged harshly by strangers, imposing birth control for what could be years, seems a step way too far.

I wish you all the best of luck with your adoption journey, or whichever journey fate allows you. Hope you find a solution you are happy with.

All the best,

Laura
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Pumpkintoots
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2012 12:03 pm 
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Nat I am still fuming but slowly getting to grips with it all. We have both decided that I will not go on BC until I am ready and until then we are still trying but not the ay we were before (OPK's, temping and timing BD) We are just going with the flow. If we get pregnant then it will be fab, but if in a few months time nothing has happened then I will go on BC and we will adopt. You know yourself how hard it is TTC and you also know how much it had affected mine and Andy's relationship, so trying for a few more months will be the most I can do before I crack up totally or it effects us so much that we split up.


Laura what LA are you with? I am with Stockport and they insist you go on BC and it was one of the main expectations including giving up work for 6 months when the child is placed with you and having a spare room, both of those I understand.
Laura77
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:23 pm 
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Pumpkintoots wrote:



Laura what LA are you with? I am with Stockport and they insist you go on BC and it was one of the main expectations including giving up work for 6 months when the child is placed with you and having a spare room, both of those I understand.


I'm with Surrey CC. They have also asked about extra rooms and taking work off, which I also agree is totally understandable. Well, good luck for the next few months, we're in the same boat, taking it easier on ourselves, knowing we'll have the ball really rolling come end of Feb.

Laura x
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Pumpkintoots
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Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:56 pm 
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Just an update. We had our first home visit today and it went really well. The social worker was so lovely and we felt comfortable with her straight away. She asked us why we wanted to adopt and we both had different reasons, but she seemed happy with our reasons. She asked lots of questions about family, home life, the kids and work etc...but nothing too intrusive. She spoke about what kinds of difficulties children may have when they are up for adoption and asked if we were prepared. We spoke about our relationship and how since I met Andy and introduced him to the kids how smoothly everything has gone and how we are a very close and loving family. We are now on the waiting list to attend the 4 day training course to prepare us for adoption and she said it should take around a year and a half to complete the whole process. That is half of what we were first told.
DL05
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Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:54 pm 
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Thats great news Pumpkin Very Happy Hopefully the time will fly by and everything will go smoothly , did you talk about age preferences or anything at this point or is that something that happens closer to the time Question xx
Pumpkintoots
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Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 4:11 pm 
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We spoke about what age we would like as we had already stated this in the initial information evening. The social worker asked us if we would consider over two but we have decided to stay with our original decision. She asked who would take adoption leave and we both decided Andy would as I have already done it with my girls and felt it was only fair for Andy to experience it all Smile

Think I am going to update every so often as I think its nice to share the journey with you all Smile
DL05
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Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 4:19 pm 
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Yeah you should do an adoption journey like someone else did , even if you don't get many replies it will be there in future if someones googling Smile might inspire someone else to go for adoption Smile
Does Andy know what he's in for Shocked suddenly having an under 2yr old to cope with Laughing Its good he's up for the challenge though as you say it will be a new experience for him Smile Strange to think the child you might end up with could not even have been born yet Question xx
Pumpkintoots
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Posted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 10:20 am 
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Hahaha Nat I am not sure he knows and I don't think you can ever be prepared. He keeps saying he will be bored and I tell him he won't have enough hours in the day to get everything done with a toddler running round. I am used to it because I work with toddlers and can control 28 toddlers with just a few words.

I would like to think posting my experience will inspire someone to adopt, as lou's did for me. I was a bit cautious about adopting before I read her journal and reading about her experience finally made my mind up Smile
Angelcake71
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Posted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 5:44 pm 
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Very Happy Good luck Pumpkin..
at the moment my OH is not keen on adopting, as he wanted a baby with me.. so I wont be doing it just yet.. which is a shame.. Sad xx
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Posted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 8:13 pm 
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Angelcake71 wrote:
Very Happy Good luck Pumpkin..
at the moment my OH is not keen on adopting, as he wanted a baby with me.. so I wont be doing it just yet.. which is a shame.. Sad xx


Angelcake, that is such a shame. I can honestly say that we could not love our LO any more if she was our biological child. She is all we could ever of wished for (and more)and our lives are now complete. xxxx
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My Adoption Journal...
http://www.askbaby.com/talk/viewtopic.php?t=115215
Pumpkintoots
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Posted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:49 pm 
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I understand angel. I found it hard to think about not having our baby but after a lot of talking with Andy I realised that I can love an adopted child as much as my own.
DL05
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Posted: Mon Mar 18, 2013 10:24 am 
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I think its a wonderful thing you're both doing Very Happy
My OH is the same though its either our own or nothing as we have two together he just feels like it wouldn't be the same Question
I think maybe if we'd never been able to have our own before though he might feel differently Smile
I do sort of see his point , although I know from having grandchildren now that you can love a baby you didn't give birth to just as much as your own Smile
I'd love to foster though ,in a way for me its the best of both worlds Question and its something we'll look into after we move, currently our spare room is downstairs so not really practical for fostering a small child but we'll be looking for somewhere with a spare upstairs bedroom and then hopefully it will be a possibility Very Happy
Pumpkintoots
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Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 9:05 pm 
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Nat, I think if I wasn't with Andy and with someone else I wouldn't want to adopt. But because it's something he wants it's what I want to, if that makes sense. I think it's because he has been such a great step dad to the girls and I just know he will be a great dad again. Also we get to bring up a child our way without interfearance from another parent like we have with the girls dad. I want to parent a child together and love and care for it in our way Smile


Andy's mum is still very negative, she keeps saying we will be stressed and that the child won't settle and we will regret it, but I am not listening to her. His dad however has come round to the idea and has even started to give the possible child a name...Herbert lol
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