Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 8:48 am
Post subject: Infertility :( and stopping TTC
Probably not the best place for this ,but I can't really see where is ?
and I know some of you Ladies have had various problems and I just wondered how others coped with the bad news ?
I HATE ! the word infertile
it just has such negative connotations for us women I think , well for me personally it makes me feel like less of a woman
I mean I think I could cope with getting older and the menopause and everything coming to an end naturally (I think )
but am finding it sooooo frustrating that I keep being told all my tests were good and everything physically is in perfect working order, that my ovaries look great (the doc was even telling me how you could see where all the follicles were from that cycle and I had loads on both sides when I had my op last month on cd10 ) and my womb looks great and my tube looks great on the outside at least , so the fact that despite me having the test results of a woman 10-15yrs younger than me and my OH having perfectly healthy sperm one tiny little bit of scar tissue in the wrong place is stopping us having a baby ! and even more frustrating is that there's not a damn thing I can do about it
I thought I was handling it until just before AF showed last month when i realised actually I was in denial and this month i'm even finding the run up to ov difficult
I really wish I was totally unaware of my body and had no idea what was going on in there but after TTC for over 2yrs you can't help but notice the signs even when you'd rather ignore them
Probably partly my own fault for getting so carried away before the Op expecting it to work and thinking about how nice it would be being pregnant by Christmas etc. etc.
I can't even get excited about Christmas this year and normally I love it
Plus my OH doesn't even really seem bothered He's all " lets look to the future and thing about the positives ", but i'm struggling seeing them
Sorry for the poor me post Ladies , but I just don't know how to deal with the way I feel ? xx
Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 10:29 am
Sorry to hear you feel down... I think it just needs time. It was a big blow you weren't expecting. And it's quite final.
I'd keep talking about it, so you can give it all a place somewhere and deal with everything. I'm sure everyone on here is ready to let you rant etc.
I can imagine christmas feels a bit off at the moment, but maybe on the other hand it's good its coming. It can be distracting.
Your dh is prob doing his best to stay positive, which is good. Whenever I feel down about the whole thing, I go for a lovely hug. My dh is similar about being positive about things etc. Really annoying sometimes , but also good. As they then make sure you keep going.
Also if the tears come, just let them flow. It relieves soooo much! Even if they keep coming for hours on end, who cares! If it needs to come out, just let it all out.
Hope you feel better soon! Don't push things and make sure you give yourself time!
Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 11:19 am
Thanks Pen xx
Normally I would find Christmas a good distraction and it makes me feel like a big kid again but this year I have no real interest just going through the motions I suppose ?
OH's can be so annoying sometimes can't they when they're all upbeat
I know he's trying to cheer me up but when you've wanted something for the best part of 10yrs and thought you were in with a shot and then get told nope sorry you were probably wasting your time for the last 2yrs and you'll never get pregnant naturally again then it's going to take a bit more than a few weeks to get over it , but for him it was like as soon as he knew he was fine with it
It was very final in one sense to be told it was scar tissue and it wouldn't get better but not final enough in a weird way though , because I do know that IVF is out there and that is just a plumbing issue if you like I do still wonder if IVF would work, but its just not something my OH wants to do and sometimes I do resent him a bit for that but then I feel bad about resenting him as I understand his reasons for not wanting to do it .
I also know if I really pushed the issue and admitted how upset I am that he would agree to IVF , but not really because its what he wants to do
So I don't feel I can do that because for one there's a good chance it wouldn't work and we'd be no further forward and have wasted even more money for nothing and two if it did work I'd always be wondering if he really wanted the baby as much as me
Don't get me wrong I know he'd love the baby as much as me, but he's perfectly happy as we are now
Stupid hormones don't help either honestly if I could just stop having hormones i would as I can be fine some days and not think about it then the next something happens like AF signs or ov signs and it just reminds me all over again ,and the fact that i'm a control freak and i have no controlo over any of this at all doesn't help either Wow that was a whinge sorry about that xx
Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 4:29 pm
Its so frustrating and heart breaking isnt it Nat, Im not quite in the same boot but with each failure we have it makes us all to aware that it might just never happen. Once the frozens run out thats it for us, all we have is hope that my tube is still open and that we dont have another ectopic. Its all becoming much more real that we may never leave our flat (no baby = no house as we rely on council, cant afford private rent or morgage) and theres so many little dreams we had around getting a house. Things like family bbqs , more pets etc.. Its a lot to coe to terms with. x
Ttc since December 2007!
Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:22 pm
Aww Nutty it must be so hard for you today have they come up with any suggestions yet about things they can do next time ? Or will you not see them until you're ready to go again ?
It is hard isn't it, and I sometimes think the fact that after each set back you find yourself feeling hopeful again is one of the cruelest things sometimes its just like that hope sets you up for a fall , it must be so much worse for you though after your losses and with the IVF and the whole PUPO side of things , knowing there were embryo's it must be so hard
In a way i almost feel lucky compared to some of the reversal Ladies who've had ectopics ,as much as I've cursed my body at least the temporary blockage saved me from an ectopic while the tube was scarring over
Would you have more tests done before going back to trying naturally ?
Tubal issues are such a [*CENSORED*] though aren't they because all the current tests including the one I had can't tell you for certain whats happening in there
Even after me seeing an obvious blockage on the pics of my tube they could still only say its "almost certainly scar tissue" just because of where it is but can't say it definately is because the camera won't go in that far and I was told 3 times i had a proximal blockage and then last month that had gone completely so with the best will in the world they can only go off what they see on the day which can change so you never really know where you are .
Do you not think that maybe in the future you could try IVF again if these embryo's don't work ? You still have time biologically don't you even if it meant saving for a few years
Times one of the issues for us now, if i won the lottery tonight we'd go for it , but we don't want to put other things off anymore to fund IVF and I don't have enough time left to be able to say well we'll see how we feel in a year or two
The statistics are with you though for success next time around aren't they , is the average number of tries to get that BFP not about 3 , so the chances are good that you will get that BFP , have you thought about a totally natural cycle ?
It might be worth looking into as you have been pregnant naturally before , I know from stalking the various IVF forums that some women seem to do better on totally natural FET cycles than on medicated cycles , in some ways it makes sense that your body is the best judge of exactly what hormones you need and at what levels But I also know that most of the docs seemed to lean towards medicated as it makes it easier for them with the timing of things xx
Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 6:33 pm
Nat, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. I can't say I'm surprised.
I think maybe given you know your OH would love a baby just as much as you you should tell him how you feel. It's important to be honest with eachother.
Men are better at hiding there feelings which can be extremely frustrating.
Big hugs. xx
Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 9:33 pm
Oh nat am so sorry!! I haven't been on much and have only just read this can't believe this after all you've been through! sorry its so painful nat is the no other way? is the scar tissue one tube or both am so sorry again i wish the was something i could say to make you feel better just hope and pray the its not the end of the line lots of love Jo xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2012 2:03 pm
You are bound to be feeling so down as a door has been closed when you still want it to be open. I can relate to what you are saying about not feeling like a 'woman' as I feel like that with the lack of periods and the time it took to conceive our son.
Fertility and pregnancy is one if those things we just have no control over isn't it?
Please try your best to enjoy Christmas and life. Men are a different breed and deal with things so differently. I reckon he really does care and feels a bit down too.
Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2012 9:13 am
sorry ur feelin so down hun and totally understand able, so agree with benoffee its the one thing we never have control over and it is by far the hardest thing ever isnt it...... think u should defo talk to ur oh and tell him how ur feelin it will make u fee better.....
we have onlly got another 6cycles ttc and hubby wil be going to doctors about the the snip so for me the thought of me never having another baby is horrid but the pressure and stress of ttc with the problems with have is just to much for us and wen said we woud only ttc for a yr and then get on with out lifes and the beautiful kids we have..... as the time is coming closer im hating the thougt of everything bein so final
really hope u have a great xmas hun
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 8:29 am
Aww Minine that must be so hard , I can't imagine being under that pressure , the vasectomy is so final though , I'd love to see the NHS stop doing them and Sterilisations as they can cause so much heartache further down the line and there are some good alternatives these days for long term contraception
Especially if one party really isn't happy about it ,as you can change your mind and these ops aren't really meant to be reversible , as I've found out
I really hope you get your BFP before then xxx
Jo hun I only have one tube only one could be saved during my reversal , I should have known then it was a bad sign but had everyone telling me how its possible to get pregnant with one, well it is but only if that one is working properly
Which mine isn't ,I've read differing things about scar tissue some that say its permanent and irreversible and others that say it can get better with time But I don't want to get my hopes up that it will or I'll just keep symptom spotting etc. every month xx
It's horrible isn't it Banoffee xx
I'm certain my OH is fine though, when i had the reversal he was excited about the idea of TTC for about the first 6-9 months but then he seemed to go a bit cold on the idea and last november he said he wanted to stop he did later change his mind but I think even then it was more for me than him , so I really do think he's ok with it being over , I know he'd do the IVF if he knew how much I'd like to try because he really would do anything to make me happy , but he feels like our time has passed and we should concentrate on the future , I can see his point but just have a little niggle that says you might regret not trying
Maybe though I just want it so bad because I know its not going to happen ? I wondered that after the sterilisation , if maybe I hadn't ever had it would I have even wanted another baby I think its just not having the option thats hardest to deal with perhaps
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 2:28 pm
To be honest Nat Im not sure I would want to go through another full round of Ivf, physically I found it pretty hard going towards the end and it really started to get me down. Yes we could potentially save for it again but our financial situation has changed quite dramatically now and being completely realistic we would only be able to save around £1000 a year which means around 6 yrs of saving and me being 38 nearly 39 by then and thats not me exagerating. Of course we are desperate to have a baby but I think there does come a point when you have been trying so many years where you have to say yourself where do we draw the line. We are going to be heading into our 6th yr trying soon and its consumed so much of our lives for so long not to mention by the time we complete our next fet we'll have spent £9000. We have decided that once our frozens have all gone (should we not have success) then that is it for us.
Ttc since December 2007!
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 3:59 pm
Yeah i can see why you'd feel that way Clare , the cost is ridiculous even abroad the cheapest I could find was £3,000 not including scans ,flights and hotels etc.
I suppose if you know its guaranteed to work thats one thing but its a lot to go through with no guarantees
Thats my OH's reasoning for not trying it that and the fact that he thinks i couldn't accept it if we did it and it didn't work and I'd want to try again and again trouble is I know he's right
You do get to a point where you have to stop though because otherwise you're constantly putting other things on hold for what ifs , it's not so easy to do though , I really hope you don't get to that point and you get that BFP next time
Is there not the possibility that your pct could start funding again at some point for people in your situation ? I suppose once they've stopped they'd be reluctant to start again , its so unfair though ,especially when in some areas people in your shoes would get 3 shots and you get none , same with the reversal though ,in Scotland and Wales they do them on the NHS in most regions and in England you've got no chance
FX for you though that it has a good outcome next time , can you switch clinics and take your embryo's if you're not happy with their treatments ? xx
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 4:21 pm
I suppose we could move them if we wanted but to be honest its not even something we have considered. We are both happy with the clinic and feel they are doing everything they can for us, and theyre success rates were really good too. I cant see the nhs reinstating funding any time soon seems so unfair on the partner that is childless.
Ttc since December 2007!
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 4:56 pm
Oh before I forget again Nutty, I keep meaning to tell you about something I discovered by accident really (I was looking up stuff for clearing blocked ateries after being diagnosed with FH ) it's called serrapeptase and its an enzyme that can supposedly break down the fibrin in scar tissue and get rid of other dead tissues , without affecting normal skin/muscle tissue ,it's based on something produced by silkworms for breaking out of their cocoons , its been clinically trialled with heart patients for clearing blockages like plaque in ateries with some success and i've read of it being used for tubal blockages and some women have had clear HSG's after taking it and even some BFP's after being told IVF was the only option, it does take quite a while to work though 6-12 months depending on the severity and it won't clear all blockages but its totally harmless to take, not expensive to buy and might be worth a shot
I was taking it for a couple of months before my recent op and the proximal blockage had gone , whether that was the decidual cast or the serrapeptase or neither I don't know i'm going to take the rest of the bottle though, when i remember as it has to be taken on an empty stomach at least an hour before food or two hours after to make sure it gets to your intestines and not just absorbed by your stomach so its a bit fiddly to take but i read some good reviews
Might be worth a look as its something you could start now as a just in case measure xx