Surviving the Holidays and my jealously (long rant)

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TTC1stbaby
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Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 11:21 pm 
Post subject: Surviving the Holidays and my jealously (long rant)
I am not sure I am going to survive the holidays this year. I desperately want to disapear for Christmas but OH won't let me. This year both of our parents have become 1st time grandparents and are hard to handle. OH and I have started talking about looking into adopting in the next year or two if we can't conceive. OH's mother told me that God wouldn't have brought me into their family if I couldn't concieve. I wanted to bawl. When we had their family Thanksgiving she bawled her eyes out bc she had a grandbaby. And she and my father in law kept telling and me that our nephew looks like my OH did as a baby. It was like a knife in the heart knowing that I may not be able to give my husband a child of his own. In the 6 months I have been under the care of my OBGYN I have only had 3 cycles and have not ovulated even once with clomid even taking provera to induce the cycles. I am now on to femara if AF ever shows. Both of our families know that we are TTC and have been trying for 19 months. It is so frustrating. OH's mom told us that she no longer wants to cook holiday dinners so she can spend more time with our nephew. My DH and I have a three hour drive to see his family and then have to make the return 3 hr drive home. OH's parents only live an hour from their grandbaby & make the drive to see him several times a week. I feel like if we have to adopt they won't treat our child the same and that makes me angry. If we have to go the adoption route that child may not be a child of my blood or flesh but it will be the baby of my heart and prayers. DH's father did tell me that I had married into the right family bc he knew my DH could and would accept any child we would adopt as our own. DH's dad said he would too and I do believe that both men would do great. But I am scared about his mother. I know I am borrowing trouble as we are not sure we have to go the adoption route but I have been filled with what ifs. This will be our 2nd Christms TTC. Last year at OH's family dinner the pregnancy of my sister in law was announced and my MIL bawled her eyes out and jumped up and down. And less than a month later my brother and his wife announced theirs. I know MIL will bawl her eyes out remembering last Christmas. I love mine and my DH's family but they are hurtful. I know I am overly sensitive and jealous.

I am really happy for our new additions to the families and love our niece and nephew but I just thought I would be pregnant by now too. When I hold the babies it reminds me that my turn might not come and my arms feel empty for days. I don't know what to do. My mom watches my niece while my sister in law works and shares every moment of the day with me. The only one who is being a saint right now is my dad. This weekend is my nephew's Christening and Dh's family expects us to make the drive there when my husband only gets off 3 hrs before the Christening and the following three hrs will be the drive to their church. There is no gurantee we will get there in time and DH will be exhausted after working a night shift. Then they expect us to be at catered dinner for my brother and sister in law. I want to scream. Thanks for listening to my rant ladies. Best of luck!
Lara47
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Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 2:46 am 
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Hey there
I get where your oming from. Each year is harder and harder isn't it.
Been 3.5 years for me an my oh.
When people ask when you are going o have one it's like a huge punch in the face.
Our cousins, (my hubby's only relatives here in oz), and us were talking recently. The wife was stun she realized that having kids wasn't that important to her. She asked about us, an no matter how I'd tried to e plain in the past, she hadn't understood. This time she got it. I think the fact I cried probably sealed the deal.
I told her that not a day goes by that I physically hurt because we have been unable to have a child. My husband explained he feels the same.
She finally got it after a bit, saying, wow I didn't realize u felt like that. Some people are just so unthinking and lack any consideration.
I can't offer suggestions to make u feel better, but I can tell you that I feel for you and undersan your pain and heartache. My heart goes out to you.
I really hope you are able to have your wish soon.
Lara.
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MrsZargon
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Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 10:03 pm 
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bless you that sounds awful and I totally know where you are coming from - when you are TTC it is on your mind constantly and seeing anyone who has any sort of pregnancy, baby, joyful grandparent story is really hard. For what its worth I'm sure that when you have that child of your own (be it biologically or adopted) your family will love it equally to their other grandchildren and truthfully becoming a parent makes the world turn upside down really and I don't think you would even think or worry about that anymore.

I also want to go away for Christmas as I cant stand the thought of the constant questions and comments from people about how big the age gap is going to be and how we really should get on with giving our DD a sibling. It breaks my heart and makes me feel like a failure that I am starting to accept that we might never be able to. There is no answer to these TTC heartbreaks - just to keep going and to try not to dwell on what other people are thinking/saying but focus on your own journey. Wishing you all the best for 2013 x
TTC1stbaby
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 3:23 am 
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Thank you ladies.

Lara I am glad that your hubby's cousins may finally have gotten it. I feel that many people don't understand how hard it is and can't unless they have been in our positions. Each month/ year is worse. I can't imagine how hard it is going to hit me when we hit the 2 yr mark. I got through 6 months knowing that it takes many healty couples a year but at a year and after having test ran my hopes dampened some and 18 months I feel like it is never going to happen especially since I don't ovulate. Holidays are the worst! It seems like this website is the only place I can go to find people that really understand. I really hope you get your baby soon! You have waited so long! Stay stong! I'll be praying for a baby!

MrsZargon thank you for your kind words. I hope you get a sibling for your DD soon. It is so hard when you want it so bad and people that should never be parents are when those that would be great parents can't have the children they want. I really hope our families will accept our children (adopted or not) the same as the others. I am just terrified. My MIL has been so cool about it. I had a long talk with my parents telling them what I expected from them and they acted horrorified that I would doubt them. DH's dad told me he will accept any child we give him as a grandchild (biological or adopted) DH's mom was completely silent while he saiid this.

It has really been killing me seeing my DH with our nephew. Our nephew really does look like my husband (looks more like my hubby than his own parents). It breaks my heart seeing my husband cooing at him, holding him, rocking him, etc. It is at the point that whenever we are with his nephew everyone remarks to me how much they resemble each other and how much our nephew looks like my DH when he was that age. The last family dinner I probably heard it at least 20 time. Wish I was exaggerating. I just hate the thought that I may not be able to give my DH a baby and when everyone remarks on the resembalance I just want to bawl and remark that "at least a baby will look like him" Two years ago my DH would have ran the other way if you had asked him to hold a newborn. This year he held our niece at 3 days old and he can't get enough of holding and playing with the babies.

I have been reading about adoption and while my DH is only 33 I have read they don't like to give you a child past the age of 40 and if you want a baby it can take as long as 3 years to get one. I think DH and I are going to TTC another year to a year and a half before trying to get the ball rolling toward adopting. I don't like the idea of giving us a time frame but it just feels like time is not on our side.

I hope you both get the babies you long for soon. This monthly heartbreak is devastating.
ClairaBell
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:24 am 
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I can totally relate to christmas being hard/feeling almost impossible to deal with. My stepchildren are at their moms, so our house will be childless. I am grateful for my stepchildren, but the word 'mom' is something I will never hear from them.
A lot of people here are starting to get in the festive mood already and yet we are not at all this year. I think it has finally hit home that it will never happen for us. So right now instead of planning to make our house festive, we are redecorating. For the Christmas period we have planned things around us, so that we are not surrounded by children.
What I would advise is take at least one day to do something just you and your partner, something you both enjoy and that will make you feel relaxed After all, it is your christmas as well as everyone elses.xxxx Smile
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TTC1stbaby
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2012 9:38 pm 
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Thanks ClairaBell. Everytime I plan a day just Dh and I we get suckered into something. I just want to scream. I can't get into the Christmas spirit. I was actually looking forward to decorating our tree and such but now DH's friend and friend's family are coming to decorate it. They have 4 beautiful children I adore but I wanted to do it just Dh and I. I know that sounds selfish but I was. It is the kids last Christmas in town with us before they move so I am going to suck it up and make it a fun festive time for all.

Our nephew was christened today. DH barely got any sleep before the church ceremony.So after the cereomny and celebration we escaped so he could nap. I hadn't thought about them having godparents but they chose my other inlaws instead of us. And it hurt. There was no "we considered you guys but.." they just told the other sibling and spouse that they were the godparents. It cut at my heart I guess. I guess I just feel like if they thought we weren't suitable godparents why would anyone else want to let us adopt their if we can't concieve on our own? My brother told us that if he and his wife concieve they are chosing her siblings as godparents bc they are the same religion and are a little better off finicial than us. I understood that. I would have understood the reasoning behind our nephew's godparents if they had given us one, they blew us off instead.

I am uptairs at the inlaws wanting to bawl. DH is sound asleep and I can hear his family downstairs cooing at the baby. I just want our ttc journey to be over. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have talked to my dr abt taking a break and he told me to wait and see how this medicene works and not to give up hope but it is so frustrating!!!!!! Good news AF finally showed at CD 40. I am getting really tired of these long cycles. Going to have a talk with the dr abt it tomorrow. Wish me luck. Thanks for listening to me rant.
lucycherish
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 1:19 pm 
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Aww huni I'm sorry your feeling like this but its perfectly normal and understandable (if that's even a word) I haven't been ttc nearly half as long as u but I'm not gunna lie one of my friends told me they are pregnant and don't get me wrong I am over the moon for them but slightly jelous as they conceived within the first month, I haven't told anyone (other than the lovely ladies on here) that we are ttc, I know we would be supported but I know my own mum an my partners mum well enough to know that we would more than likely get the spanish inquisition every month! I'm sorry if I offend u but ur MIL sayin that about god an being able to conceive is just plain mean!! I wouldn't of reacted the way u did lol I sort of understand the feelings of adoption also, well through my mum and dad as I'm adopted, they where ttc for 7years with daily injections of ivf etc, my mum told me that there where a few people who said she shouldn't adopt as i wouldn't be one of their own, needless to say they went ahead with the adoption and I was legally adopted at 14months old, they done what they saw best at the time and cut theirselves off from those who where sayin that, my mum didn't speak to one of her sisters until I was about 10, I wish u all the luck in the world ttc hoping santa brings u an extra special present! One last thing if god had anything to do with it does she not think he would stop people conceiving who are poppin out kids like there's no tomorrow and not bothering to care for them? Ask her that the next time she says somethin! My mums bein a foster carer for all my life 21years and has had well over 300 kids in her care! Sorry for the long reply/rant, chin up an best of luck huni xxx
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 8:02 pm 
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lucycherish wrote:
Aww huni I'm sorry your feeling like this but its perfectly normal and understandable (if that's even a word) I haven't been ttc nearly half as long as u but I'm not gunna lie one of my friends told me they are pregnant and don't get me wrong I am over the moon for them but slightly jelous as they conceived within the first month, I haven't told anyone (other than the lovely ladies on here) that we are ttc, I know we would be supported but I know my own mum an my partners mum well enough to know that we would more than likely get the spanish inquisition every month! I'm sorry if I offend u but ur MIL sayin that about god an being able to conceive is just plain mean!! I wouldn't of reacted the way u did lol I sort of understand the feelings of adoption also, well through my mum and dad as I'm adopted, they where ttc for 7years with daily injections of ivf etc, my mum told me that there where a few people who said she shouldn't adopt as i wouldn't be one of their own, needless to say they went ahead with the adoption and I was legally adopted at 14months old, they done what they saw best at the time and cut theirselves off from those who where sayin that, my mum didn't speak to one of her sisters until I was about 10, I wish u all the luck in the world ttc hoping santa brings u an extra special present! One last thing if god had anything to do with it does she not think he would stop people conceiving who are poppin out kids like there's no tomorrow and not bothering to care for them? Ask her that the next time she says somethin! My mums bein a foster carer for all my life 21years and has had well over 300 kids in her care! Sorry for the long reply/rant, chin up an best of luck huni xxx


My MIL and I had a long talk the day after the Christening. She wanted to know how my dr appt had gone that morning. I told her expecting my hurt to worsen but she told me that God wouldn’t let us go without a child and that He had a plan for us even if that meant adopting a child and giving it a good home. She went on to say that she would love any child we had (biological or not) and that if we ran thru all of our money TTC that we had an inheritance and there would be one for our baby as well and if we ever needed to we could come home and that it would be a great place to raise a child. Maybe I misjudged her, maybe I was overly sensitive, maybe she didn’t finish the thought about God not bringing me into the family without being able to have a family bc she got distracted by her grandbaby. Who knows. Right now we have a truce that will hopefully hold. I have always felt that if I adopted that child would be as much mine as if I had given birth to the child. FIL did tell me that he thought DH and I started worrying about us not conceiving to early, my dad had the same take but MIL and my mom told us that we are right where we are meant to be and that if there is a problem and the drs tell us it is time to start other methods to have a baby we should.
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