Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 12:46 pm
Post subject: big dilemma...grandparents and family feuds...what do I do??
I am hoping for some advice please....
I am 22 weeks pregnant, my husband and I ive in lancashire. His parents live nearby and are lovely supportive excited grandparents to be.
My Mum lives in northampton, we don't see her that often, and I try to keep her as involved as possible but she is very jealous of my husbands parents being close by, my Mum and Dad divorced 20 years ago so she understandably feels a little left out.
My dad, he lives in london, I have had no contact with him since 1999, my sister still maintains contact but my father and I have irreconcilable differences, a also have nothing to do with my Dads Mum. My Dads dad I write to, he has had throat cancer and can;t talk on the phone but we swap letters frequently.
I haven't told my grandad (my dads dad) that i am pregnant, and was not going to, I want nothing to do with my dad and nan....but of course I am battling with this decision and want to tell my grandad, which of course would result in dad and nan knowing too.......
I doubt my dad would try to contact me of want to see the child, but I dont want to take that risk, but of course I do not want to make a decision for my child that it cant see its grandfather.....
any advice or suggestions on how to reach and decision....I do not want to use a child to get at my family, however there is so much water under the bridge, I just cannot speak to my father and it would cause too much heartache all round. I did try to make up with dad, and he was interested to start with, but soon lost interest and it all fell apart, so I have tried. My dad has a girlfriend and son that he lives with, so my sister and I have been rather replaced!
Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 6:29 pm
That sounds like a horrible situation to be in. If I were you I would tell them all to stop animosity about who knew and who didn't (maybe in a letter so no arguments?) and say that they can do with the info what they want and if they want to get in contact to see the baby once it's born then the ball is in their court. I agree with the point you made about not deciding for the baby but I also see how you wouldn't want to cause loads of hassle and agro. Also it's your life and it's up to you to decide what's best for your child. Altho I've said that's what I would do, I think it's one of those things where only you will know what you'd be happy doing.
Good luck xxxx
Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 9:18 am
Post subject: bit of an update......
Thank you for your reply...
I have since spoken to my Mum about it, bearing in mind she hates my dad and his parents so will be slightly bias! She thinks that it would be a bad idea to tell them that I am pregnant because they won;t show any interest in the child and that will hurt me, also for the child it wont be very nice to know you have family that don't really care about you.....my dad and his parents have never shown much interest in me, so I guess I don't want that for the baby.
However my husband thinks that you only get one family ans that we should tell them we are having a baby and then like you say leave the ball in there court??? But my Mum says my husband should mind his own business as she see's that he has a perfect family and has no idea what it is like to have a dysfunctional family!! I also know that my Mum would prefer to have the baby all to herself and feels like she has some one-upmanship on my DAD....I am so used to being used as a [*CENSORED*] for poonts scoring!!!
Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:48 pm
I would tell your Dad's dad purely because I think it would make his day especially as he has throat cancer and would probably love to know how happy you are! As for your dad if your sister is in contact with him isn't she likely to tell him at some point anyway - if she does deal with it then but don't let it stress you. I hope it all works out for you but at the end of the day do what feels right to you but don't let it spoil this wonderful time. Good Luck!
Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 1:56 am
hello kristie. i'm sorry to hear about your problem. but i think you should tell your grandad that you are having a baby. he will surely find out about it and it's best that it comes from you. you all should set aside your differences for the baby's sake.
Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:02 pm
Know it's a little late but I've just found the site and couldn't help but to give you a little feed back from a childs point of view in a similar situation.
My Dad had a very big falling out with is dad before I was born so up until the age of 7 I had 1 set of grandparents ( my Mums ) whom I loved dearly and spent lots of time and school holidays with them. As for my Dads parents I didn't know them, but as kids do I put 2 + 2 together and wanted to know where Dads Parents where. It turned out they lived just 5 minutes walk aways from my Mums parents. Can you imagine how many times they must have seen me at the local shopping centre with my Nan ??
Anyway to cut a very long story short my Dad did let them know my Mum was pregnant, but he chose not to take me there he left it up to them. So when I asked my Dad about them I also asked if he would take me to see them, he didn't want to because he didn't want me to be hurt, he did take me though because of my Mum. It was then left up to me if I wanted to see them I could when I stayed at my Nan's.
I did see them now and then and my Dad kept in touch with them too now and then, but I never had the relationship with them I had with my Nan and Grandad. Though I knew they were my grandparents, I didn't feel that for them. I can honestly say they didn't think of me like that or bother with me and I didn't mind.
Like I have said to my Parents many times over the past 31 years, I would have always wondered and probably gone to see them when I was old enough anyway, but you can't miss what you never had and I never had them in that way. But I have no regrets either and because of my Mum neither do my parents.
So all I would say to you is life is very short and could you live with the guilt should something happen ? If you let them know and leave the ball in their court your conscience will be clear and believe me as long as your child has the love of it's parents, thats all it needs.
I hope you don't think I'm preaching I'm just telling you how it was for me and I had so much love from my Parents I accepted how my dads parents were. I do hope this helps
try not to let it screw you up and enjoy your pregnancy !!
wishing you all the luck and best wishes that you find a solution thats BEST FOR YOU YOUR HUBBY AND BABY
Donna x x
Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:28 pm
i think if you are tlkin to ur grandad then you should tell him, it doesnt mean ur dad has to be involved if you dont want him to, i speak to my dads family but my dad left wen i was a baby, got back in contact wen i was 12 and left again wen i was 14 and then decided to write me a letter last year wen i was 20 sayin he wants to see me, i recieved this via an aunty who is his half sister. i already hav a lil boy who is nearly 4 and hav decided that i dont want anythin to do with my dad as i dont want him to mess me around anymore, i think hes had plenty of chances and feel i hav managed so long without him there is no need for him to be in my life, i also felt that my son is of course the most important thing in my life and i dont want the instability in his life, wen he is older if he asks questions then i will answer them and if he feels like he wants to find his grandad then i will support him 100% but i dont want to risk him makin a bond with my dad and then him leavin like he left me as this will jus b upsettin and confusin for my son. wotever decision u make im sure will be in the best interests of yourself and your family and wen ur child is old enough he/she can make a decision for themselves. good luck