infertility to adoption. advice needed

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Katherine01
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2016 10:58 am 
Post subject: infertility to adoption. advice needed
Hi. My name is Kate. Let me share my story. Actually, it started in 2003 when I met my future husband. We got acquainted in Spain where we both stayed for vocation. Even though it started as a vocation fling, it was love at first sight. We kept on communicating and dating. After two long years of traveling between two countries, my boyfriend suggested me moving to him. In a month he proposed to me. Hopefully, our families were absolutely supportive of our decision and in a year we got married. Soon after our honey moon (we spent it in Spain, btw), we started to think about conceiving. We both dreamt about having a big family with children. We wanted to have at least two or even three children. However, nature had other plans as to this. After a year of unsuccessful attempts to conceive, we had to consult to a specialist. Let me not go deep into details. Itís quite difficult for me to talk about it. In fact, we were told that our chances to conceive are miserable. For me it was a shock! How many nights I just cried silently into my pillow? How tightly my heart squeezed every time I saw a lady with a pushchair with a newborn inside? it became even more painful when our relatives and friends started asking why we still donít have children. I merely got numb and didnít know what to say. Each time I had to make up some awkward runarounds because truth is just for us. Even our parents didnít know all the truth. However, I think they guessed that something went wrong.
9 years of our unsuccessful attempts to conceive have passed already. We tried ivf. Only one attempt of 5 was successful, but i was pregnant only for two weeks. It was a miscarriage. It seems that on this very stage we just gave up. We moved to a new house, adopted a dog and started to get used to a childless couple status. One day I saw a report about children in orphanages of Eastern Europe that we were in need of forever homes and families. It was eye opening for me. If the nature hasnít provided me with a chance to have my own child, why donít I offer my love, warmth and care to the one who really needs it? I talked to my husband very carefully about this because I was afraid he wont support me. But hopefully he said why not? However, he had certain doubts, anyway. Now weíre just starting learning the subject Ďcause weíre absolute newbies in it. Thatís why we would be grateful to get some tips/advice/personal experience stories from those who have already passed through a long and bendy path of adoption. please share with us. We truly need it because itís hard to discuss this with anyone else we know. Can a child of other parents become a full member of your family? Were you able to feel yourself as full parents after adoption? Iím especially interested to know the answers of those couples who donít have their bio children. Thanks.
xxx
Kate
iMary
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Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 11:04 am 
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Hello, Kate. Your story is so close to me and my family. I would not urge you to adopt a child if I had not decided to take this important step by myself. After several miscarriages I said goodbye to the desire to be a mother - apparently it's not mine. I saw myself and my husband as parents, but it was all so unreal.
Hope appeared out of nowhere: for the holidays my husband`s sister Nicole came to us. She now lives in Poland. We talked a little, and what was my surprise when I heard: "Mary, why don`t you adopt a child? I work in international adoption agency and could help. "It was our salvation! As soon as possible my husband and I collected all the documents and for 3 weeks left for Poland - in a foreign country, where we have found our baby.
If you are interested in orphanages in Eastern Europe, then be prepared that you will not be able to adopt a year-old child in each of them. In Ukraine, for example, it is allowed for foreigners to adopt a child only 5 years old and up. In some countries it is possible to adopt children with some health problems, but don`t let that scare or stop you. If you have a great chance to become parents - use it!
David27
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Posted: Wed Feb 24, 2016 11:20 am 
Post subject: taking a challenge
Hello katherine01. It was very wise of you to share your thoughts with us. I hope our advice will be helpful to you and your dh. First of all, I feel really sorry for your infertility. yes, you might be feeling that your life is ruining like a card house. But itís not like that. Referring to adoption seems to be a wise decision for you. However, you shall consider all pros and contras of this procedure in order to take a right decision.
imary, your story is great and sound very optimistic. However, it seems to me that thereíre some facts about adoption that have to be pointed out from the very beginning. Firstly, adoption process is long and tiring. Itís all about waiting. And even when it seems that everything goes well, there emerge new and unpredictable difficulties on the way of prospective aparents. Imary, may I ask how old was your daughter when you brought her home? Was it tough for her to adapt to new environment? How did you overcome language barrier? What was your relativesí attitude to your new status of adopted parents?
In any case, we should be ultimately truthful with katherine01. She is new to adoption, so letís be fair. Letís call a spade a spade. International adoption may be tough. Most evidently they will match you with a special needs kid. Are you ready to take a challenge?
iMary
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Posted: Wed Feb 24, 2016 12:56 pm 
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David27, I agree with you that adoption process is long and tedious. In my case at the time of full adoption Gabriele was 4 years old, it took us close to 17 months for the entire process.
We are going to continue to submit a report on the state of her health and living conditions to the consular office in Poland. Relatives strongly supported us in our choices, and Nicole participated in the adoption more than a curator. It was she who taught Gabriele Polish language, so we have no problems in this regard.
David27
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Posted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 1:41 pm 
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iMary, thatís great that your relatives supported the idea of adoption. however, if we talk about reality, it not often happens like that. For example, one of my friends has adopted siblings Ė a boy and a girl from India. His wife and he have been thinking about adoption for many years, but they didnít tell anything about their plans to friends or relatives. They were afraid that they will discourage them from adoption pointing out all hardships and problems of upbringing an achild. They might give examples of adoptees who turned the lives of their new families to hell. Talking about me, I have personally experienced it in the flow of my adoption process. Some of our close friends were not very supportive about the idea of adoption. this was horrible. Indeed, adoption is a Russian roulette. You might be lucky, or you might be not. I also heard the stories of adoptees threaten their afamilies. I even heard once that an adopted son killed a pet and told that one day he will strangle his parentsí baby when heíll be sleeping (who saw the world after adoption). such stories are hair-raising. However, Iím sure such stories are rather exceptions from a rule than a rule. Biological children may also have psychological problems and bursts of anger. I read your comments, ladies. They are quite informative. Itís interesting to know different points of view. iMary, thanks for answering my questions. However, I still donít believe that adoption process was so smooth for you. Your daughter is quite young. As far as I know, itís very hard to adopt a healthy infant or toddler from Europe. Have you faced such problem?
iMary
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Posted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 8:01 am 
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My husband and I try not to indicate that Gabriella is a child with some deviations. She has a hearing problem, and we have consulted with experts who assured us that with proper treatment the development of our daughter will not differ from the development of her compeers. We have already scheduled the day of operation, it seems not so dreadfully, but we are a bit nervous. You point the complicated postadoptive examples, but it is not always so. Luckily I don`t have such a story, but in deciding on such step I was honest with myself and realized that all may not be as smooth as I think. You say that you have experienced all this in the hard way, i.e. you have an adopted child? What is the reason for such a critical categoriality regarding the adoption?
LadyButterfly
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Posted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 2:08 pm 
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Hello, Kate! I understand your feelings very much Ďcause our stories have much in common. My struggle with infertility was very painful and put an imprint on my future life. Anyways, as well as you, my dh and I decided to adopt a child. Now we can tell for sure that this was a right decision. Even though it wasnít easy, our daughter is our delight and the sense of our life. Thereís nothing in the whole world that may be compared to adopting a child! So donít hesitate and go on. The bless of being parents will be a reward for you.
LadyButterfly
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Posted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 2:14 pm 
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David27, the kind of behavior you are talking about is called RAD syndrome. and this is a very-very-very unpleasant thing to happen with an adoptee in a new family. fortunately enough, this is a very rare thing to happen.
David27
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Posted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 2:29 pm 
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Kate, Iím really sorry that you had to face infertility problems. For me personally, it seems that adoption is a great way for you to finally have a big family you were striving for. I really hope that youíll be lucky and youíll work with a very good social worker and good agency that weíll help you throughout the long way of adoption, and weíll finally match you with a gorgeous kid or kids. From the other hand, I want you to realize that adoption involves much work both physical, psychological and ethic point of view. Letís take imary. Her daughter has hearing disorders. Hopefully, her condition is correctable. Anyways, they will spend a lot of nerves, money and time for healing her. I hope surgery will help. ButÖ you understand Ė there might be different health conditions. Especially when weíre talking about international adoption. Healthy young children available for adoption are usually adopted domestically. Foreign aps are usually matched with disabled kids, Down syndrome or HIV positive. In such cases youíll be helpless. Hopefully, there are a lot of people with such a big and loving heart who adopt even special needs children.
iMary
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2016 9:31 am 
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To sum up, Kate, the difficulties of adoption worth the time. And money as well. If you choose to become a mother, you have an opportunity to do it. If you want to be a good mother, you should do all your best for your family. Good luck!
BlejnLuc
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2016 11:51 am 
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Hi everyone! I`m just a beginner in adoption and after reading your comments i have the main question:"IS IT POSSIBLE TO ADOPT A HEALTHY CHILD?"
And what about the age of children? Not sure I can get in touch with 5yrs children and up. I want my baby grows up before my eyes.
David27
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2016 12:14 pm 
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The way you talk about adoption, BlejnLuc, it seems to me that you know very little about it. itís very difficult to adopt a healthy baby or infant, especially when we are talking about international adoption. foreigners are more frequently matched with special needs children or children 9+ age. If you want a baby, youíd better try domestic infant adoption.
Frankly speaking, adopting a child of 5+ yrs has a lot of advantages. So think about it and donít limit yourself.
BlejnLuc
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Posted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 9:28 am 
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I confidently can say, that I have everything to give to a child, even with special needs. I mean in material aspect. Another question is what the result would be. Will I be a father for my adopted child or just "a kind guy". I understand that it is my and my wife`s aim to create authentic atmosphere of our family, but noone knows how a child will behave.
David, have you adopted a child? Can you say, that adopted children will love you for sure?
LadyButterfly
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Posted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:23 am 
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Hey, men, it seems you have left an OP behind. She still hasnít posted a thing after the thread was started. Perhaps, she has changed her mind?

Well, yes, adoption is a mine field. You can never know what happens next. It seems to me that the question that worries all newcomers is health. This is a tough question. You might be open to special health condition kid or not. No one forces you. If you wish a healthy one, you will have it. BUT. Youíll need to wait much longer and there is a great chance not to be matched. Especially if you want a toddler. If we talk about elder child, this is quite possible. So this is up to you to decide.

My achild has asthma condition. It was ok for us and generally speaking it doesnít influence our lives THAT MUCH. My personal point of view is that correctable or minor conditions are not a point of concern. Finally, we are not in a supermarket!
Katherine01
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Posted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 1:48 pm 
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No, no. No way I have changed my mind. Vice-versa: I was very nusy recently researching our future adoption. you know, I didnít even thank that the procedure is so complicated. We talk a lot with my dh. He is very through and wants to be in control of everything. Speaking about adoption, it seems that intended parents are in control of nothing, isnít it? In any case, weíre very grateful for your advice, friends. It would be great to keep in touch because your experience is priceless.
I hope youíre enjoying a very nice day with your kids.
Kate
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