My marriage is a joke! :( don't know what too do anymore

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Marianne19086
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 10:37 pm 
Post subject: My marriage is a joke! :( don't know what too do anymore
Long story but so upset Sad really hope people have the time
Too read and offer advice.

Me and husband have been together 4 and half years we have had a brill tome
So far..moved around a lot and have decent jObs and were over all very happy. Lately It is actualy
Impossible too speak too him with out us arguing, we are horrible too each other at what seems like every oppurtunity. I understand he works hard but only the average 40 hours most people do. He comes home and won't sit in the same room as me .. Either makes the excuse he is tired and goes bed early or if I go bed early he stays awake on Xbox till daft o'clock then stays in bed all the next day till time too go to work again.

He always makes sly comments about my weight, I have always been a size 18 beer bigger never smaller but cos he goes on about it I think he mustn't fancy me so we literally never ever have sex! I have no passionate feelings towards him atall! I think we have twice in the year since our saunter was born. I might be fat but I dress decent I always do hair make up and make an effort for him. But still think the weight is an issue cos he makes it one.

Over all he is just the most ignorant selfish man I have eer met! He hasn't ever done anything thoughtful for me.. Didn't even get me flowers after quite a difficult birth. No Xmas presents. It's not about him buying me things I am not at all materialistic. But it's that he never thinks off me..

I turned a blind eye too the most off it but he treats our daughter with the same respect has no time for her stall! Won't both er or put er too bed. Won't wake up in the night. If when I'm in work and he has her for the day I come back and there is pen everywhere and I know he has played on his Xbox all day while she runs riot. Luckily I have safety gates so not as much damage can happen that it is dangerous it's just ignorance!

I know love isn't all roses and rainbows but surely I am not suppose to be this unahappy?
I know he doesn't love me..we got together at 18 and I was his first girlfriend .. Think that novelty wore of a long time ago.

I sometimes wish he had the balls too tell me and leave me so I could get on with my life. But I know it will never happen as I don't think he has any ambition at all to have a happy life or relationship. He thinks how we are is normal and practically laughs at me when I try too talk too him :
I'm lonely and unappreciated and I know I dônt love him anymore. He doesn't even feel guilty when he sees me upset just thinks I'm being dramatic. We have no time for each other anymore but realisticly I know I need too somehow make it work. .. I just don't know what too do at all Sad feel like .. I don't even know Sad
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dlovebabiest
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 2:42 am 
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Hey Marianne19086, I am not going sit here and pretend i understand because I don't. But I will try my best to help you out with this one. It sounds like somewhere along the way you two lost the fire. I can only suggest maybe you plan something for the two of you. If it concerns you that he is not romantic and is not getting you anything anymore try doing it for him then maybe throw some kind of sly remark like "see isn't it nice to receive random affectionate things." something to that extent about how much you miss how it use to be. I hope some of this helps.
Clairebell29
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:12 am 
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Sometimes men just need a good kick up the bum. Told my oh a few years back that just because we had a house together etc didn't mean he didn't need to work to keep me. A couple of ideas you could try.

Write him a letter, sometimes when we try and talk to others we get over emotional and don't say everything we want or say it wrongly. You can sit and think about it rationally.

Take the lead, don't expect him to as he won't. I may be wrong here but most men are quite low on empathy and just don't see what emotions others are feeling. Get a Baby sitter and book a meal out or even better a weekend away(don't give him a choice). He can't play his xbox in a restaurant!

This is by no way of a criticism but be aware of yourself. I know I became quite resentful when I first had little one and didn't really appreciate what oh actually did compared to some other men. It's likely you've both changed as people do and you both need to adapt.
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RachN3Babies
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:32 am 
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I thought I was unhappy with my oh we were sitting in the same room every evening and not even speaking etc... To the point even my oh was unhappy.. We decided to call it a day in march 2012 but he only moved next door to his mum's and was still seeing thw boys every day.. It was the best thing we did. We were still seeing each other so our friendship grew as it seemed our friendship was still there it had just been misplaced when the boys came as I had made them first priority.. We decided to make another go of our relationship in July and he moved back in in October and things are Better now than they were. Maybe some space will help? Or maybe just talking more out of thr house. We make yime to go for a wAli once a week and talk alot betternthen as there's no distractions xx
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nutty1
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 10:10 am 
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You havent mentioned whether you still love him any more? I think you need to sit down and have a really frank and honest conversation I think its really bad that he doesnt care or supervise your daughter properly when you are not there. You shouldnt put up with that. If youre both prepared to work on things then you can go from there. Maybe it has come to the end of the line for you both, what I will say is dont feel like you have to stay and work it out you can be perfectly happy as a single parent. Children do pick up on these things.
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 10:47 am 
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All relationships hit their rocky patch and can happen more than once. It sounds like you got together young (well I say young)! I think what I mean is you are your partners first real relationship and it appears to me that he still acts like a young teen. He has no experience of previous relationships so I presume he thinks its normal to act like that. I think you both need to be honest with each other and decide whether you want to work on the relationship.

Hope things work out for the best.
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Marianne19086
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 5:47 pm 
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Thank you all so much! I love that everyone has such different advice yet it is all so right!

Truth is I'm not too sure if I love him Sad and I am almost certain he doesn't love me.. But maybe we have just lost our spark. All I want from him is his time Sad nothing more. If love for him too get in from work and sit eat his dinner with me and Erica rather than in the living room watching tv..I'd love for him too jump out off bed too spend a few hours with us before work. But he is far more bothered about himself. I am guilty off having changed..the most life changing thing in the world has happened too us and I do think we should grow up and put everything we have into our little girl. We had our fun before she was born and she was very much wanted an planned for! I do think it is important too make time as a couple tho .. But he won't be dad 90% and husband 10% he just wants too always be himself!

We went to the Xmas market not long ago which couldn't be more romantic of it tried and we had nothing too talk about ..and all he did was spend his money on food. He couldn't tell you a single Xmas present I bought for our little girl cos he pays that little attention too life.

I do think it is the end off the road but I have never been a grown up woman without him and quite frankly I wouldn't. En know where too start Sad the sad thing is if I walke out tomorrow I don't even think he would bother seeing our little girl Sad that absolutly brakes my heart..but if he has no time for her now why would he if we was not together
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Bella83
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 7:14 pm 
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I've been through similar but without children.

5 yrs of trying to make it work. I tried so hard but he was always at work, on his x box or fixing computers with our money then not getting the money back !! I asked myself.time and time again do i stay. The hardest part for me was the fact that i.moved to be with him & if i left him would have to move back home (about 2 1/2 hrs away).
Then oneday that was it.....and he asked me if i loved him and i didn't. So i moved out, moved back home and started again. I had nothing but joint debts with him. I had to move back to my mum's and she was not happy with me & transfer stores for my job which i hated and everyone was horrible to me !! Soon after i met my current dh, 5 years on, 2 yrs married and a daughter & 1 on the way life could not very better. Even the loss of our son last year didn't make us drift apart or anything. Yes we have ups and downs but my life is 100% better !!

You do what your heart tells you.....you only live once x
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dellabobella
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 4:17 pm 
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Oh Marianne I hope you're feeling better? To be honest you could have described me and my chidren's Dad when you wrote that. I think with us it's got the point we dislike each other so much that every little thing is causing a row and I'm sick of walking on eggshells. We were checking out shopping in Asda the other day and he had a face like thunder so I asked if he was okay and then got jumped on and accused of causing an argument. Honestly it's not just that but I can't deal with him anymore and I have tried SO many times. Do you think maybe something like Relate would help you at all? I think my OH is depressed and that could be the case for yours too but that doesn't mean he can treat you that way x
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Marianne19086
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 11:02 pm 
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I am so sorry your going through a similar situation Sad it really does suck Sad in all fairness..I don't know your situation but I know my fella def isn't depressed..he gebuinly is just ignorant! An selfish! I sort off think I am so happy with my lg though..that I am willing too put up with the rubbish I get off him..iv sort of fugues I don't want another man..I love out house so much..and I have tried for over a year too make this work and I just can't see it doing ever!

I had a word with my mum, who has been married 3 times, and she said it could be much worse..
One off her husbands was a gambler the other a wife beater..and even tho i know life could be better..unfortunetly I feel I made my bed..time too lie in it Sad x xx
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AngelDelight
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 12:08 am 
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This is a tough situation. Me and my oh went through a rocky patch last summer I too thought he was being a horrible git and we never did anything together and the spark def had gone! When we were at home in the evening I would be upstairs in bedroom a d he would stay in the lounge. We were then horrible too each other and it did escalate to the point where I was so miserable and unhappy. We got through it by having talks but like you he used to laugh about it all and say I was dramatic when I got upset as he said some real hurtful things.

I looked into moving out and he realised he did not want to lose me and his son so we started talking about how we could improve the situation and he really did try and actually listen to me. It is hard being in a r'ship and still having the spark esp after 10 years like me!! I don't think you can ever get the excitement and romance back completely ESP when you have a family. So it does take a lot of time and effort.

I hope you sort things out as there is nothing worse waking up everyday feeling miserable. Good luck x
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Floydster123
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 6:25 pm 
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Oh, I do hope you can sit down and talk about it, try and do what the other ladies have said or maybe just try and find somewhere to rent or for him to rent that's affordable and split up for a few months and see if he wants to see you just as a friend, maybe your relationship will come back. I personally don't believe in being in a relationship if you aren't happy. Please keep us all posted. x
Marianne19086
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 11:54 pm 
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Well this is officially the longest we have ever gone without sleeping in the same bed Sad we are talking but only in a few sentences ere and there! It's sad really that I don't miss him! I told him tonight that I think we got together too young. And although been together so long we have only really properly lived together for last few months as before then we always moved to exciting places..or with my parents..distracting eachother..now we only have ourselves for company I think we have realised we don't actually like each other very much..he did say all this was my fault and that he doesn't want too loose me..but he still doesn't think there is a problem how we are.. So I'm obv not worth him wasting effort in trying too make me happy..

And Ido think its important too not take each other for granted..couples should always keep trying even if they are happy..maybe I am asking too much I don't know .. I know I am in no rush too move out off my first proper home..and most def not in a hurry too even consider anyone else..so might just ride this one out..focus on my little girl Smile that I def don't have a problem with haha x
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dellabobella
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Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 9:53 am 
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It's okay for others saying "it could be worse" but you only have your own situation to judge by and I'm sure it seems bad enough to you. For months I also have thought "I've made my bed and need to lie in it" but I can't do it anymore. We have separated a couple of times before but this is for good now. The first week was hell but I've come out the other side of the pain now and I feel a lot happier and my kids are happier too with not being around two miserable parents.
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