Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 9:47 am
Post subject: Should I be bothered?
Me and OH are not married, we have been together for 11 years (cohabiting for 10). We are engaged and were planning on getting married in November 2011,which got put on hold when we found out we were expecting.
Whilst I would like to get married I can see so many other things we can do with our money and just don't see it as a priority. There are practical reasons such as if something were to happen to oh at work (he's a firefighter) then if we were married I would be finiacially better off. All a bit morbid really. OH Mum also always going on about it, she thinks you should be married if you have Children.
OH said to me 'aren't you bothered that you don't have the same surname as George'? Honest answer is not at all. I am his Mum and it doesn't make any difference at all to me. Maybe to the outside world but I am generally not one to care about the opion of strangers.
How many of you have/had a different name to you Children and did/does it bother you?
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 10:40 am
If your not at all bothered then stay as you are hun! I personally always wanted the same name as my kids so we got married before having any but each to there own!
If you really wanted to, you could get married quietly and cheaply, a friend of mine literally got married in our local registry office with only the parents and grandparents and the grooms brother and his wife attending then they all went to the local hotel for a nice meal. She said they literally spent about £300 on the day but it was perfect for them as neither wanted any kind of fuss or to spend any real amount of money...they just wanted to be married!
The only thing about not being married is that I'm sure if anything were to happen to you then your OH doesn't get instant 'rights' to your kids, your mum or next of kin automatically becomes next of kin to your kids.....I'm a bit sketchy on it but Im sure that even if he's named on the birth certificate because you aren't married its not just cut and dried if anything happens to you (obviously it is in the sense of your parents or whoever not taking the kids away, I dont mean that) its just I work with a girl who just had to make a will with her OH because his son from his first marriage just turned 18 and if anything were to happen to her partner, because they're not married anything he left would go to his son, including half their house! Plus in theory she could be stopped from arranging things like his funeral and stuff if his son wanted to do it all!
Sorry to go all morbid there haha!
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 1:14 pm
It doesn't bother me and the only way we will have the same name is to change hers, which I have to get my ex's permission.
With regards to what Lilly said they changed it around 2000 that the dad gets automatically gets full rights if they are on the birth certificate.
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 1:54 pm
Don't think I'll be going to Bulgaria in the near furture. Haven't had a holiday abroad in years.
I think a lot of the reasons for getting married are a bit Morbid really. It's all to do with the what ifs. Perhaps that's whats making me less than enthusiastic? I do love OH and see us spending our lives together.
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 3:28 pm
I had a different surname to my 13 year old daughter for 7 years and it never bothered me. Although on one occasion when coming back into the uk with my daughter on my own i got questioned at passport control asking me what relation to me etc... That made me feel like changing my name by deed poll but i didnt. i am now married and Marriage really is just a piece of paper it didn't change our relationship or anything. Don't feel
pressured into getting wed do it if you want to if not stay as you are.
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 4:15 pm
I always said I wanted to get married beore we had children as I wanted the same name as my children and partner so we had a family name but thats my choice and at the moment it never actually went the way I had hoped for, we got engaged last year after 6 years together and hopefully just about to start IVF so we are moving the wedding to the year after I think depending on what happens with IVF and if we even get to start it!
I think its personal choice but I have always wanted to have the same name no reason why just my own personal choice as it is yours and what you want
I cant wait to be married and us have the same name I dont know why just do, cant wait to be OH's wife sad as it sounds haha x
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 5:48 pm
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:27 pm
Its each to their own, I personally dont mind if I get married and cant see it ever happening, like you I can see better things to spend my money on.
I have to say though being a child of a single mum who had a different name and growing up with questions like "are you adopted" from other kids because me and my mum didnt share the same name wasnt nice so I decided to change my name by deed poll at the beginning of the year so we have the same name legally without the big wedding fee lol only cost me £50
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:43 pm
As you can see my wedding is creeping up - argh!!
Name doesn't really bother me, I am a bit undecided personally. Isabelle and George both have my surname and Pauls last surname - he has two because his parents did the same and never married.
I always want to keep my surname because my brother can't pass it on anymore so this is the only way to keep it alive. However I don't like calling the kids two surnames, just for ease really, like the doctors get confused and Isabelle's nursery got confused which to use too, so I have been thinking about making my surname a middle name for me and the kids, so we all just have the one main surname. My mum isn't so keen, though.
We aren't getting married now just for our name, it is the right time for us. It's costing more than we thought, but we love our plans and after the wedding can save all over again for our next dream. We both said if we weren't getting married now we might not find the time or money in the future because of always wanting something else.
Plus Isabelle is SO excited to wear a dress and hold some flowers. She doesn't know the meaning of marriage but she still can't wait, so this is perfect timing for us
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 7:46 pm
I always said I wouldnt have kids unless I was married and I knew from the age of 13 that I wanted to be with DH and only have his kids. Thats just a personal thing for me though.
My mum had a different surname to my sister and I when we were growing up as she remarried after divorcing my Dad. From the point of view as a child with a different surname to my mother, it never bothered me. I was happy with who I was, knew who my mum was and if anyone questioned it, I just said that I loved both my Dads but I didnt want to hurt my 'real' dad by changing my name.
I think as long as you are all happy then you shouldnt let other peoples opinions bother you.
Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 10:46 am
Hi. We are married with 2 kids and I don't have same surname as kids. Italy does not allow women to change names when getting married. I'm not impressed, but have gotten over it. xxx
No way, I wouldn't be happy with that! So if children are born within the marriage is it then the choice of the parents over who's name the children get or is it automatically the fathers or mothers name they are given? Or both??
I always just assumed that in any country once you marry you take that name (if you want to)....you learn something new everyday!