Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 12:04 pm
Post subject: embarrasing problem and need some advice!
Hi, i wondered if you could help me..... me and my hubby will have been ttc 5 yrs in june, we've had all the test done, hubby sperm is borderline but ok, and i have PCOS but blood tests and temp rises show i ovulate. Anyway all this time i have thought it was me with my PCOS, and due to start our IVF in march (1st cycle was abandoned as i didnt stimulate enough). Anyway, recently hubby has had a few stresses with work and we havent wanted to bd really, which made him finally admit to me that he doesnt ejaculate very often through sex (he has no problems through DIY) i have suspected this for a long time and finally said to him that i felt he wasnt because i could rarely feel anything after bding (if you follow).
So hes looked it up online and he thinks its a problem that cant be cured and says only IVF will work.... i want to tell the clinic but worried if i tell them now they will delay our IVF and investigate this first!!
Sometimes i feel leakage after sex but honestly its quite rare even though hes adament he comes (TMI)... what should i do? its beginning to really worry me now.
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 12:37 pm
That's a tricky one. Obviously there is nothing physically wrong otherwise he would be able to come when he's diying!!!! Maybe its the pressure of ttc and its a mental thing. Do you know how long this has been happening? And do you think it could be part of the reason uou haven't got pregnant so far?
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 12:38 pm
the main cause of men not ejaculating is stress. I would not bring it up with the clinic if he can still DIY ejaculate. chances are once you are PG and work is less stressfull he will be able to follow through. when my hubby was stressed at work he had problems keeping it up sorry for that. good luck on the IVF.
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 1:48 pm
I think this is absolutely the reason we havent fallen pregnant, i was on clomid for a bit a couple of yrs ago and he mastubated and came then when i was ovulating (with CBFM) and i had a chemical... thats the only time ive had a positive pregnancy test.
He also said that it wasnt me (as i asked him if he found me attractive etc) and he said hes always had this problem and had it with previous partner.
Now his parents are very controlling and very very anxious which in turn makes him quite anixous and i wondered if it was a mix of being controlled and anixousness (his parents have never like me and said alsorts to my hubby about me saying i control him and im a b*tch etc.... and i wondered if it really stems from childhood??! i've tried really hard to not make it a big issue, try support him with his work, listen to him when hes cross about something even hold him while he cried the other night... but im beginning to feel frustrated. hes told me hes desperate for a child and i am too, and im worried if this problem continues we would need ivf for every child and would never stand a chance naturally
I think i'm just not sure how to react with him... right now its IVF and im happy to do that, i just would like this problem sorted so i can be pleased that ive satified my husband with sex as well, not just the baby thing.
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 4:13 pm
Maybe you could think about treating the psychological aspect of this. Maybe acupuncture, hypnotherapy or the likes could help him to regain the ability to ejaculate during sex? What about if you guys are very relaxed, say on holiday or after a good night out and a few drinks does that help at all? I think it is important you get help with this for both of your relationship and self esteem as well as from a pregnancy point of view. I agree though dont bring it up if you are about to have IVF the last thing you want is to have that stopped and after 5 yrs you have waited long enough no matter wht the issue is!
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:58 pm
Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 8:19 am
I agree with Nutty He obviously produced a sample for his SA and as thats all he basically needs to do for the IVF then you should be okay , but I'd still see if he will visit the doc about this as there could be two causes, inhibited ejaculation where he's just so tense nothing comes out(some men actually learn to do that deliberately and can stop themselves everytime) or retrograde ejaculation which can also be caused by stress but it means the semen gets forced back into the bladder instead , both can be treated but they might need different treatments ,some men still get all the sensation without the actual ejaculation so he might not realise when he does or doesn't or he might be so used to the reduced sensation now he might think its normal ,
it could well be down to issues from his childhood as you say overly controlling parents, maybe being made to feel sex was "bad" etc. it seems to be a common reason , performance anxiety as well , which can be a cycle then as if it happens once they get more anxious and its more likely to happen next time, add to that the pressure of TTC and it can make it a million times worse .
If you feel this could be a big factor in your infertility then maybe you should talk about home insemination around ov time ?
It might take the pressure off him , I know someone else on here (won't name names) who's OH had troubles when under pressure and they agreed that on the vital days he'd produce a sample anyway he could and she insemminated and then the rest of the month when the pressure was off they did whatever came naturally
You'd be surprised how many people use insemmination kits , either the syringe type or just popping the semen in a soft cup
It might seem a bit clinical but then so is fertility treatment and you can still both participate in the process this way (If you know what I mean )
If you can reassure him that it doesn't matter to you if it doesn't happen during sex then it might take the pressure off for him
I would get a check at the GP as well though as sometimes there can be another cause even if its not happening all the time , speaking to a doctor who can tell him how common it is might make him feel better about it, and your GP wouldn't speak to the IVF clinic they're not allowed without your consent :)xxx
Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 2:55 pm
I wouldn't mention it to the clinic but if he can do it manually then AI might be worth looking into - saves you wasting months while his problem is "fixed".
Good luck xx
Enjoying the TTC ride!