Posted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 1:49 am
Post subject: I feel like I'm a rubbish mum and person right now
I'm 23, with a lovely partner of almost 8 years, and a beautiful 2 year old girl.
Before having our daughter I was at uni and working so was used to being constantly busy. When my daughter was 5 months old I started doing an apprenticeship in my dream job (I also first done this when I was 18, but the place I was at burned down) I had a little break after a few months as I felt I'd maybe gone back to work too quick. I went back March last year as well as starting a job 3 days a week.
The job I started ended up being silly hours and I ended up probably spending more in travel then actually getting paid. So I left in December and started a new job as a waitress in a hotel in January this year (still doing my one day apprenticeship)
My new job is 4 nights a week. 7pm- 12am. I spend my days with our daughter and then my partner comes home and takes over looking after our little girl, I see him for 20 minutes before I head off to work. He works 6 days a week. I do my apprenticeship on a Saturday (11am- usually 6pm) so I work 5 days a week.
2 months ago, I was diagnosed with depression. I take my pills and carry on with my day. For the past year or so I seem to constantly be unwell. I'll have a cold, be ok for a week or so, get the flu. Over and over. Friends and family say it's because I don't stop and let myself get better. But I can't stop being a mum! And I can't not go work as we need the money.
Lately, I've been thinking that the stress of everything and the fact I'm always unwell is really affecting me as a mum. I have no energy, I'm snappy and moody and I feel like I'm not being as good a mum as I should be. I take my daughter groups and soft play and I'm currently trying to potty train her. But I just don't have the energy and feel sluggish and horrible. She is such an intelligent girl (And i'm not biased) and has so much energy, I feel that she should be doing more and having fun.
I'm starting to think maybe I should take time out from working but we really can't afford it. I get paid for my apprenticeship (£40 for one day a week) And I can do extra days there but I won't get paid. But the more days I do, the quicker I qualify and will earn money doing something I've always wanted to. Plus I can spend more time with my family. If I give up work we'll lose about £140 a week.
I feel so selfish, thinking the way I do, as I know there are plenty of parents that do what I do, and more. I just don't know what to do. I can't sleep and constantly worry about money and being a terrible mum. I never used to cry and now I cry all the time. I've not long gotten home from work and I'm all runny nosed, watery eyed and knackered but can't go sleep!
I think I just need someone to talk to right now.
Me and My BabyDoll
Posted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 7:24 am
Aw hun it def sounds like you need to take some time to chill out. You are pushing yourself way too hard. No wonder you're constantly ill and run down if you don't take a break now and again. You sound like an amazing mum but to carry on being amazing you need to take care of yourself so try to have some time to yourself to relax. It doesn't make you a bad mum. If anything it'll make you an even better mum x
Posted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 10:10 pm
Post subject: Re: I feel like I'm a rubbish mum and person right now
I have no energy, I'm snappy and moody and I feel like I'm not being as good a mum as I should be. I take my daughter groups and soft play and I'm currently trying to potty train her. But I just don't have the energy and feel sluggish and horrible. She is such an intelligent girl (And i'm not biased) and has so much energy, I feel that she should be doing more and having fun.
Hun these are also signs of depression. Don't be hard on yourself. Go back to your drs and see if you need a change of meds / increase. Depression is not just debilitating with the mood, at my worst I physically hurt and felt like I was lost in a body made of lead and that was so tiring. See what the dr says, it does get better but it's a hard road to fight to get on the better path.
Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 12:12 am
Sorry ladies I didn't realise I had replies. Thank you!
Jennaxhx - thank you, I really do need to start taking more care of myself. Just so hard! Thank you for the lovely words xx
MrsOz- I feel like that too- like I'm always tired and my body just feels like I'm dragging it around! Almost like when you start getting flu and your body aches. I thought my meds were helping as I'd seemed happier but i guess its targeted some aspects of the depression and not others! Thank you x
Me and My BabyDoll