Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:05 am
Post subject: Trust issues/stag do
Hey ladies, I am really after some advice and would appreciate any opinions.
My husband and I have been together since we were 13, we have been together for 12 years now but went through a very rocky patch when we were 17. He cheated on me twice and I tried to commit suicide and had to have my stomach pumped and was put into an induced coma for 4 days.
We worked through our problems because I was so desperately in love with him and still am. I don't believe in forgiving and forgetting as what happened changed me and I will never forget it but we have moved on and we are very happy together.
However two of our friends are getting married next year, the hen do is a week in Ibiza which we can't afford and I don't know the other girls very well so have said that I can't go. The stag do is two nights in Prague, which I know will involve strip clubs lap dancers etc. I may sound completely unreasonable but I am really not comfortable with him going to any of these places at all, to me it constitutes as cheating having some half naked girl dancing in front of you, I find it really disrespectful. I am very insecure and just the thought of it makes me feel sick and want to cry. He says that I don't trust him but given our past I don't think I will ever trust someone 100% again because my heart was shattered.
So now we have had this massive argument about him wanting to go and I don't know what to do, I know that if he goes it could ruin us, but equally if he doesn't go en he will blame me etc for the next year and probably longer. I really don't know what to do?
Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:11 pm
I know how you feel as my oh is off on a stag night at the weekend and I've heard there are going to be strippers. I found out a few years ago that he had repeatedly cheated on me and I feel like I was changed by it too. The only thing different with me is although I find the idea of them going to see strippers I don't think it is the same as cheating. I don't know what I would do in your shoes as it is obviously something that is veryupsetting to you but on the other hand you have said you've moved on so I think it might not do your relationship much good if you stop him as he will resent you and what if a similar thing comes up in the future? With my oh I've just stopped worrying about what he does and what he could be up to as I've realised if somebody wants to cheat or act up then they will no matter what you try to do to stop them. It's the worst feeling in the world tho isn't it? x
Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:31 pm
I think you have a right to be anxious, but it was twelve years ago and you were only seventeen at the time when he cheated and hopefully he has proved himself to you by now.
I personally don't have a problem with strippers etc and it is well known in our group of friends that the stag always gets a dance.
We also have a house rule that if mark goes kn a stag/holiday etc and I dont go on the hen then I go away for a night/weekend with my friend's.
I think if it is worrying you that much and given your past maybe seek some r professional help xx
Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:58 pm
Ditto again. Although it is not right to 'test' OHs... but if they do cheat on such do's then that is their choice and clearly should not be with if cheating is a big no-no for you.
I am the out going one in our relationship (I have even gone to lap dancing clubs myself previously) but would be furious if my OH questioned my intentions when going out because my integrity and his trust are paramount to our relationship (my ex did this all the time... and it wasn't me who was doing the cheating!). I would say that if he did something in the past and you have forgiven him then treat him with a clean slate, if you don't trust him then there are issues that you have not sorted.
Good luck what ever you choose to do, only you can make the decision and either way it is hard. I don't consider strip clubs as cheating, but my OH does... so I will not go to them anymore bc he does not like them - out of respect for HIM and his emotions.
Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:15 pm
As mentioned above do you think that you need counselling for the period he cheated? I mean if you tried to kill yourself over it then there may be serious underlying issues that you need to resolve for the good of your relationship. I don't want to sound like a vicious [*CENSORED*] but if he was to ever cheat on you again it may not necessarily be in that setting. Someone can cheat anywhere with anyone x I know its hard to forgive and forget as I was in a relationship where my partner cheated and we were never able to get back to where we were. Granted we were not together as long as you and your partner.
Have you discussed this thoroughly with your partner? Surely he should understand your reasons for him not wanting to go. Is there anyway you could compromise? xx
Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:26 pm
I can understand where you are coming from, my OH cheated on me a couple of years ago. Hw went on a stag do last year, but he came home when they headed to the strip club as he knew how I felt about that sort of thing.
Personally I don't think it's fair that you're not going to the hen party and he is going to the stag do...
Also, where it's be suggested about you getting professional help, I had counselling after my 2 miscarriages, but spoke about my OH and it really helped, we're stronger than ever at the moment xxx
Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:03 pm
Its a really tough one hun. I get quite jealous. Oh hasnt cheated that i no off. But he is a royal marine and goes awsy a lot in this country and others and is a very outgoing person who is an amazing dancer and is always on the dance floor and even the poles! I know he gets a lot of female attention when he is out and he loves going out! Also his marines friends really dont have any limits and get up to all sorts and i know a lot of them.have xheated!! It used to drive me mad with jealousy. He also has been abroad on a stag do and a military stag do leaves a lot to be desired!! He has been to strip clubs and all sorts! He is a very lads lad......but as much as i get jealous (not so much now) i know it is not fair to stop them. If u do they will resent you for it. I have spent so many nights awake wondering what he is up to! If he is away he always phones when he gets in...even if it is 6am!!
My point is men need to do men things, as well us as us of course.
He cheated when u were very young and when a lot of people dont take relationships as serious.
You defo need to try and build some trust as other things will come up in the future. If i was you i eould sit down with him and explian exactly how you feel without fighting. If u can bear it then let him go but lay down ground rules!
I have always said to my that i will never stop him doing anything as it is not my place to tell him what to do but there should be boundaries and if he wants/does oversteps the boundaries i will tell him what i think and if he still does it i wont be home when he gets back! Xx
Posted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:29 am
Hmm, it's tricky. But as the others have said it was 12 years ago, and if you stop him going it could cause trouble further down the line. I'm not aware that my DH has ever been to s strip club. I'd maybe feel a bit weird over it but I wouldn't class it as cheating, it's a different situation.
My DH is going on a stag do this weekend, and tbh I'd not even thought of anything like that. I completely trust him and am just quite looking forward to having the house to myself for the night