Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 9:44 pm
Post subject: Don't know how to cope anymore...
The last few days I am struggling more and more to cope since losing our beautiful son & daughter. My mum and sister have been so supportive but I just dont want to be around people anymore...even me an DH are poles apart and struggling to communicate . He has convinced himself that we will conceive naturally. I want to be positive but how on earth can we expect a miracle like that to happen when we needed donor eggs for our IVF in the first place .
I know life can be cruel for so many people, but I dont feel I have enough strength or courage to face what has been dealt to us. So sorry to be sad and depressing especially during the holidays. No need to reply really, I just thought I might feel better when I get things off my chest xxx
Last edited by Komolafe on Thu Dec 29, 2011 10:58 am; edited 1 time in total
Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2011 8:28 am
It's completely normal to feel the way you do, and to be honest it's completely normal to feel that way for quite some time. A dear friend of mine lost her little girl after 18 days, she was born at 25weeks. She struggled for many years with many different emotion.
Have you been offered grief counselling? I think her refusing this made things much more difficult.
Youve both been through a very traumatic few months, try not to let your communication drop out now, you'll need each other so much more for the months to come.
You are allowed to hide away for a little while, don't feel you have to be social all the time, your family mean well of course but you can ask for a little alone time.
I'm so so sorry for your losses, wish we could help in some way x
My beautiful children are my life! Tommy 10 and Charlie 4 and Lily 1, Mummy loves you! xxx
Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2011 9:17 am
I dont really know what to say except big hugs
Grief hits different people in different ways and at different times, when my nan died it was 12 months later that I finally broke.
As Kel said you need to let it out, talk scream, shout, cry whatever makes you feel better.
Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:54 pm
Kell, we were offered a referral for counselling when our daughter died but at the time we were still so busy at the hospital with our son in intensive care so I didnt have the time to stop and think about it. They mentioned it again when Sam died several weeks later but we were still reeling from the shock. I think part of the problem is the hospital tries to help you but they ask you to make decisions at times when you cant think straight.
Steph - you're also right about it not hitting you straight away. Its only now, 5 weeks since Sams funeral that reality is hitting us hard and we are struggling.Counselling is something we need to do and I am going to contact them after the new year.
In the meantime I am just keeping my distance from the outside world and thats why you girls on here are a godsend, You give the advice and support but I dont have to make you cups of tea and you dont overstay your welcome . You're all just amazing with the support you offer xxx
Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 1:24 pm
Lyn as much as the people around you have been helping & supporting you, don't be afraid to tell them you need some time alone. You do need that alone time to start processing everything properly in your own way, coming to terms with everything and at some point in the future coming out the other end of it. I think counselling is a good way to go, perhaps as a couple so you both can understand where eachother is coming from, as men do deal with things so so differently to us! And also counselling individually so you can say whatever you feel you need to without worrying about your dh.
You do have so much courage and strength, whether you know it or not, to achieve what you did with the fundraising so soon after losing your babies is an amazing testament to that. You really have amazed me with your strength hun, but just because you don't feel that way all the time does not mean you are not strong enough....I promise you will continue to find the strength to get through this and in all honesty at times it will feel like you will never come through it, but you really will.
As much as I know you will want to keep your feet on the ground with regards to the future, your DH is right in a way though....you have a much better chance of it happening naturally this time, now you have been pregnant your body knows what to do and as long as you still ov you have a good chance of it happening. Maybe you could spend a bit of time researching the things you can do to help with your egg quality, as if I remember correctly this was one of the things that came up with the ivf?
Maybe if your dh is reluctant to head down the ivf route again you could suggest a time limit of maybe 6 months, and then if nothing has happended you could give ivf another go.
Sending you the biggest hug in the world and I really do hope that 2012 is much kinder to you and your dh. xxxx
After a horrible few years, life is good.
Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 12:01 am
Thanks Vic, your words really do mean a lot and have picked me up, cos I know you have experienced the same. I really do want to be positive and want to believe there's a chance that we MIGHT just be lucky enough to conceive naturally but im getting VERY old now It is very reassuring to see you and other girls who have lost their angel babies, now pregnant again so I know there's a little chance it could happen for us...and I'm thinking more and more now about another round of IVF but its crossing my mind about going abroad.
I will obviously need time to think it all through but Im not ruling it out now ( like I was just a few days ago) so thank you for helping me see things clearer xxx
Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2012 1:02 pm
i really dont know what to say and cannot begin to understand what uve been through/going through.
all i can say is try and keep communcating with ur dh both of u have been thru this together and u need to help each other through. as someone else sed get thru this anyway u can shout/scream/cry/laugh u need to let ur emotions out.
Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2012 6:22 pm
Thank you Laura. Me & Dh have still been struggling a little with communication. Night times are making things worse as neither of us can sleep properly at the moment. It's making my Dh very withdrawn and making me so tearful and moody. I felt so bad the other day, started to get angry with him cos he appeared to just be browsing the internet and ignoring me, not grieving. He looked so sad and said to me he was researching for advice as he "didn't know how to help me, cos apart from my heart he doesnt know what else is broken....." That just made me cry for hours but we had a long cuddle and Ive felt a little brighter since then. You're definitely right Laura, we have to try harder with the communication and im not very good releasing my stress as I dont like having emotional outbursts :-S
We have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow to discuss why i went into premature labour.
We just hope and pray it helps us move forward x
Last edited by Komolafe on Mon Jan 09, 2012 6:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 2:37 pm
Hey Lyn, it's good to hear you haven't ruled anything out, ivf, etc. I hope your dreams come true
Night times are harder, more time to think perhaps in the evenings and that carries over into the night...
It made me cry when I read what your dh said to you, I can just feel the pain behind those words. I hope it's opened up the doors a little for you both....I can see your dh wants to help but he just feels pretty useless right now. I know there is a forum for dads on the Sands forum, perhaps pointing him in that direction may help him to understand how other men are grieving, trying to help their partners, etc?
I hope the appointment goes as well as it can today for you. I know how difficult it is to get answers but hopefully some light can be shed on what happended.
I've only just this morning had my answers back, 2.5 yrs later....I saw a obstetrician at the portland in oct and he's gone through all of my medical records and he's determined it was the car accident that caused me to lose our little girl. I've cried buckets, but it's so good to have answers and have my views on what happended confirmed. I really hope you get the answers you need too.
After a horrible few years, life is good.
Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 3:08 pm
Hi Lyn,i hope today has brought you and your dh some answers,maybe today can open up some communication with you,it brought tears to my eyes when you said he was researching how to help you you have both been through so much and from reading your posts it is obvious you love each other dearly and are there for one another,but i do agree you need to have some time as individuals to open up about how you are feeling.You have shown that you are a very strong lady but you dont and cant be strong all of the time.I dont really know what else to say other than i sincerely hope that things start to get better for you and you dh. xx
Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:15 pm
Hello komolafe, just came across this post now. I hope you got some answers when you went for your appointment.
I wish there was something I could say or do to help you, just know I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Give yourself time. It must be hard for both you and your DH, you both sound like you really love each other though. Don't give up hope. Maybe going abroad for IVF is an option to look into but miracles do happen... And I really do hope one happens for you and your DH. You deserve it.
I think you are a very strong person, and you should be proud of yourself - you raised a lot of money to help other little babies.. Take care, love Caroline x
Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:51 pm
Ohh thank you ladies.
Vic it must be devastating for you to be told it was the accident that caused you to lose your baby girl...that is just so tragic. It will surely bring raw emotions back to the surface. So sorry hun x
We had our appointment but it didnt really give me definite answers so it hasn't really put our minds at rest. I did a post about Pre-eclampsia in another forum as this is what they 'think' it might have been. It has left me feeling so upset but I know I need time to think things through and will no doubt be back looking for more support and more advice I really couldnt get through this without you ladies. I know I keep saying that but it really is true xxx
Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 12:09 am
Hey hun i really can't begin to imagine how you feel and all the medical answers in the world won't make it any better but i can understand that answers would help you understand alot more, i really hope they can find out why this happened to you. I know everyone has already said all that but just wanted to show some support.
All the best to you and i hope the future holds great things for you and OH. xx.
*Our beautiful twins are safe in heaven*