Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 10:25 am
Post subject: Independent or agency?
Hello! I am new to the world of surrogacy. But my husband and I have accepted that this is our only way of having a baby of our own. I am 45, my husband is 47. Due to the hormonal problems I canít getting pregnant. I have tried to treat but nothing. We realize that further fertility treatment could be a risk to my health. Furthermore, it could offer low success rates at my age. It is very painful to recognize that you canít have children. I have a twin brother and am very close to his daughters. I know I would be a great mum if I were given half a chance. The thing is that I donít quite well know how to deal with surrogate mother. I am considering two options. The first one is dealing directly with the surrogate mother. The other one is making contract with agency or clinic. I think it is much cheaper to deal directly with the surrogate. As I am from Britain, only altruistic surrogacy is permitted here. But of course, I would pay to that woman. I consider it a great job. But I donít know how much it will cost. Though I am not sure how it is reliable to contact directly. If a surrogate mother would like to take the baby back. I also donít know all the peculiarities of the procedure. I have seen a lot of ads of surrogates. However, it is very difficult to decide. I would appreciate it so much if you share your experience. I would like to start the process very soon. I would like to know some details of these both sides. It is better think twice before do it.
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 10:58 am
I think your question is really one of the most frequent. I am talking about it basing on my own experience. Three years ago I asked such question to myself. And only in a year I got the answer. That is the choice that should be made only by you. The situations can be very different. And everything is relative. ďShould I try to find my own surrogate?Ē really depends on lots of factors. You can find pitfall as with independent surrogacy as with agency. I know several couples that used independent surrogacy. Some of them were satisfied, some not. At the same time you can find out a lot of info about fraud agencies. Nobody can give guarantees in such situation.
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 11:05 am
I admit it. Talking about surrogacy through agency I would have to travel abroad. As I mentioned about commercial surrogacy is illegal here. That will also need a lot of money for doing overseas surrogacy, I suppose. For example, I saw costs for surrogacy in USA. It is completely unaffordable for me. And dealing independently I think it is not so expensive.
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 12:07 pm
From this point of view it can minimalize the expenses. If your reasons for avoiding an agency are just financial, sit down and calculate what you expect to pay. Then, you can compare the price list of different agencies. You can do it not only in USA. As for me I did surrogacy in Ukraine. It was much cheaper than in USA. Anyway agency fees can be more, you may be surprised that the difference is not that significant. At some point you will have to have a lawyer anyway. Many agency fees include attorneyís fees. Surrogates can incur several thousand dollars of unanticipated costs. An agency will give detailed description of expenses. Discussions about money are often embarrassing. What would you do, for example, if your surrogate asked for some of her fee before she delivered? Wouldnít you feel as if you had no choice? After all, if you say no, you run the risk of alienating her. If you agree, you appear easy to manipulate. You will depend too much on your surrogate. In any case you will need a lawyer. But good lawyer means a lot of money, too. Thatís why I am not sure if you can minimize expenses in such way. I think independent surrogacy is suitable for those who already have a surrogacy match or can use a relative or a friend as a surrogate mother..
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 1:01 pm
No, unfortunately I donít know anyone who could be surrogate mother. I mean among my friends or relatives. And if I had I am not sure that I would want it. For me it would be inconvenient to ask about this. I think it will look strange. I would like to deal with unknown person. Despite financial part, certainly I would like to have a healthy surrogate.
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 1:04 pm
Youíve said about health. You are right. I find it is the most important point, too. The surrogate mother has to be healthy as physically as psychologically. She will be responsible for a baby during the nine months. And how will you check it if you are going to deal with a surrogate directly. How do imagine it? On the contrary, most agencies or clinics have a number of checks and balances. They try to realize psychological control to determine whether the surrogate is a mature, intelligent, responsible woman. Surrogate also passes a list of medical examinations. They also need to de compatible. The good clinics or agencies have significant experience with surrogates. The agencyís personnel also may be able to give you good advice about the woman. When I was undergoing surrogacy program the clinic chose the suitable surrogate for us. Our surrogate mother was under control from the part of the clinic. So we didnít worry so much. There was a coordinator that was responsible for her. In my case the clinic was mediator. Moreover, we didnít need to look after our surrogate mother. Because we knew she was under control. There was an obligatory condition for her to have at least one healthy child of her own.
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 1:12 pm
But how were you sure that everything was ok with your surrogate mother. So you did surrogacy in Ukraine. How often did you go to visit your surrogate mother? For it seems a little bit frightening to know that your surrogate is abroad. In any case you canít visit her every day. At least you could travel in a month. And the rest of a time you were unaware about her, her life, how she behaved.
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 1:56 pm
Of course, I didnít visit her too much. I am sure it wasnít necessary. There were people who took care about her. If I asked I was given the medical results concerning her health. During the pregnancy I saw her twice. We were permitted to be present at ultrasound checks. It was not obligatory.Many intended parents donít come. But we decided to attend it. In case if we did come to ultrasound check we received ultrasound protocol with video and photos. Thus I think we were quite aware about the pregnancy, how the fetus was developing. It was a great pleasure to see the new changes. I was also pleasantly surprised with our surrogate mother. She was very good Ėlooking and nice woman.It is a well-known fact that the women are very beautiful in Ukraine. During the one ultrasound our surrogate mother took with her her daughter. It was very pretty girl of five years. Our surrogate was very attentive to her. Thus after seeing them together I wasnít worry about her. I had some worries concerning the delivery and so on. But I was sure that this woman would be so attentive to me baby too.My personal opinion is that the clinic helps to handle stress and confrontation between intended parents and a surrogate. This is an extremely important area to evaluate. I think surrogacy arrangements can have some conflicts. Without a neutral third party, you will have to resolve any difficulties on your own. Perhaps a different way of thinking about this issue involves your own relationship. Being able to have an objective listener, being able to voice your concerns, being able to ďvent,Ē without the fear of being judged is immensely valuable. It is much more confortable to have a mediator. You and surrogate mother will have some rights and obligation to each other. And the clinic or the agency will look you stick them. Working with clinics you wouldnít have to solve the problems directly. The clinic can help you. As for me we didnít have any troubles with our surrogate. The process ran smoothly.
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 1:58 pm
I agree with you. You have touched the important points. What happens if the surrogate wants to abort? Or refuses doing it against the medial prescription? Perhaps I was mistaken thinking that it could be not less expensive doing it directly. And how much did you pay for your surrogacy program? I just want to compare the expenses.
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 2:13 pm
The packages for the program can vary. As for me I did surrogacy program in BioTexCom. I had all inclusive package with guarantee. That guarantee meant that I could have unlimited attempts until there were positive result. It cost 30 000 euro. The clue point that I didnít have to pay any extra fees. Everything was included. There was also transfer, meal and accommodation in the contract. And of course there were included all the medical analysis such as karyotype or DNA. That is very expensive. Before going to that clinic we also compared a lot. We changed our opinions a lot. We started thinking with independent surrogacy and finished it in Ukraine. Before inquiring we were not so well aware about surrogacy in Ukraine. That in fact turned to be very successful. In the beginning I said that everywhere are frauds. My good acquainted went for surrogacy to India. As a result they donít have baby. They spent a lot of money. And now they are thinking to for surrogacy to Ukraine.
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 11:27 am
Hi, girls! I'm also very interested in Ukraine. Actually I am like a beginner among you) I have very little experience. I was only in Mexico. Thanks God, I was clever enough to stop this journey in time. Blinded by possible happiness couples sometimes forget about safety precautions in such cases. In the state of Tabasco surrogacy program is conducted not only for traditional families, but also for representatives of sexual minorities, the carriers of the AIDS virus/HIV and patients with viral hepatitis. Yes, this is Mexico, and Thailand. Surrogate mothers who are in the program, unfortunately, are not always checked properly. Not in all cases, they undergo a medical examination and testing. It entails a variety of diseases, mutations in the unborn child, complications GS/childbirth, and much more. Any legally working and self-respecting clinic will never allow such violations. Of course, in Mexico you can save a few thousand dollars. Here surrogacy can be offered for 7-8 thousand dollars. But it is only visual side of the payments. They will also propose you to pay extra fees. But, as we all know, saving money, we donít get always a qualitative result. And especially when it comes to health and life of your future, the long-awaited child. Experts always warn those who are going in the centers of reproductive medicine - beware and do not buy low cost medical services! To earn money on the problems of infertile people, as the state of Tabasco does, the law does not legally prohibit. But, don't let it do with you. There is a list of tests that a surrogate mother must do before engaging in the program. The observance of all norms and rules is your extra guarantee that the child will be in good conditions for 9 months. By the way, girls, there is some very interesting information! Yesterday I accidentally found one organization, called Happy Family. This organization works on a voluntary basis. They work in the field of infertility and advice on clinics. If you write to them and tell your story, diagnosis and desires, they will select for you the most optimal programs and offers. They tell about different clinics and give recommendations. I wrote last night. And today I have received a response. They gave me general recommendations and asked about my desires, important things for me. And they promised to contact soon and give advice on the most appropriate for me clinic. By the way one of the recommended countries was Ukraine. Girls, if you don't understand what public organization is, I can explain. They provide information about services. For example, some clinics make a donation, some do not. Somewhere only IVF can be done, some of them are qualified more in surrogacy. Such organizations monitor this information. Of course all of that we can find by themselves. But we will spend for it much more time. Clinics have different packages of service, costs, ratings. And such organizations conduct research and provide a report. Their recommendations are based on the feedbacks of customers who used the services of clinics. And they offer several countries and several clinics as a rule. I think it can be very useful. They are not an agency as I know. I have read that the woman who created this organization was infertile. And now he just wants to help couples for free.
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 11:59 am
Hi all people here, happy and unhappy! I want to share my story and ask for advice or just a support. When I was 25, I got married and almost I got pregnant in a few months. We were very happy, but at the 2nd month I suffered a miscarriage. For us it was a great loss, stress, tears. In general, I cannot describe how this loss hurt. But calming down a little, we decided to try again. And I got pregnant. But after three months we lost our angel. It was very difficult to overcome. And without any words we made a decision stop our attempts. So years have passed, we have traveled, improved living conditions. In my 30 years I had realized that we cannot temporize anymore and again we started our attempts. A year had passed, and pregnancy did not occur, we decided for medical examination and after many tests I was told a sentence - PCOS! They said I'd never be able to have children. For me it was like death. I even wanted to divorce in order hubby found a normal healthy wife. My husband said that we would try everything to have a child. We started looking for treatment options. We tried different treatment, hormonal and homeopathy, but nothing was worked. The last option was a donation. And again we faced the obstacles, because in my country this procedure is illegal. I began to search for information on clinics abroad and this has led me into total confusion, I can't even imagine what clinic to choose. They propose a lot of advantages, but what is the reality of the situation. How not to make a mistake?
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:39 pm
Mellanie, I have heard that India is popular for surrogacy. It is considered to be not so expensive. Perhaps it is attractive. I have never been to India and for me it is hard to imagine the process there. But I thought that it is very high developed. Why has happened with your friends? What problems did they face with?
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:42 pm
Briefly speaking India was like nightmare for the couple I know. They were full of expectations and hopes. They signed a contract with the clinic. And the clinic didnít comply with their obligations. First of all they broke the terms of the contract. The clinic promised to start the program at the certain date. Though they postponed the program in two months. During those months Deil and Ann couldnít keep calm. They had to break all their plans. Finally when the clinic approved the beginning of program. But there appeared new problems. Among the surrogate mothers list there were not completely healthy women. Some of them overweighed. The other one had diabetes and Chlamydia. Deil and Ann were very surprised. They donít expect to have too many troubles with surrogates. In reply agency suggested waiting some more periods. Please, note that they were talking about unfixed period of time. In the end they tried to return their money. They achieved to return some part. But the impressions that they got there will be forever in their memory. This clinic was not an exception. It is a problem for many clinics and agencies in India. A lot of them are unable to provide patients with a medically suitable gestational carrier within the required time-frame. There are also problems with phenotype. For example, if you are of European race you have to pay more for the donor of your race. This sum is usually not very small. The agencies donít admonish about this. Only after starting the program you will be aware. Normally such surrogate mothers should be rejected for the surrogacy program. In general couples waste too much time. They really lose amount of time waiting. But the clinic canít provide with a medically fit surrogate. That cost a lot nerves and troubles. For this reason the treatment cycle failed. Such failures affect couples lives very often.
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:09 pm
I agree with you, Milagros. The thing is that there are not so many options for surrogacy. Unfortunately, it is legal in very few countries. I donít understand why it is so. I am sure that people are not guilty if they are infertile. They must have right to have children. At least there is also altruistic is permitted in some countries. Meanwhile commercial surrogacy is only legal in India, Mexico, Thailand, Russian and Ukraine. It is also legal in Georgia. However it is not so popular there. They have little experience in this sphere. But the situation is developing. New and new alterations appeared. As for Thailand it seems to me surrogacy in Thailand is being banned or some alterations in legislation occur now. It happened after the scandals. As far Mexico is concerned it also contains some difficulties. Mexico is just the same as in Asian countries. We can judge it on the sanitary conditions. That are bad in Mexico. I am not sure about the health of surrogate mothers and their living conditions. There is such poverty in some districts as in Asian countries. So I would be afraid to do surrogacy in Mexico. My personal opinion that is better to go for European countries. It could give you more guarantees for positive results. At least you can get healthy donor and surrogate mother. You can wait for them but finally get them. And in such countries as India or Mexico the result can not be even predicted. The surrogate mothers live in horrible conditions. They can be bearers of different diseases and infections. Moreover, you can wait there for months to have appropriate surrogate mother or donor. And in the end you canít be sure to get them. Many people go first to such countries for the price. But then they change their opinion. When they see those horrors with their own eyes they realize that they wouldnít achieve positive result there. People should think a lot before going in a foreign country. Especially to such counties. I havenít heard about Happy Family. For me it seems a good idea. Nowadays the world seems to be so commercialized. Everyone wants to get their profit. So volunteer activity is a great thing. When I started looking for the clinic I didnít know about this organization.