Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 12:14 am
Post subject: I want a 4th child but my husband does not.
Ok, so I have always known I wanted a large family. We have 3 beautiful children and I now want to start trying for our 4th one. My husband does not want to. He is considering it based on me wanting it, but can't seem to get over the fear that we can't handle 4. I am very upset about this, b/c I am the one that does 98% of the work (if not more). I KNOW I can handle one more. I am good at this and I love doing it. I have done my research with checking with families who have 4 or more, read online what people think etc. Nothing that I bring up to my husband seems to get him past his fear. Every day I ask him how his day would have been different if we added one more child and every day he tells me that his day wouldn't be different. However, this doesn't get him past his fear.
I know that many advice that I have seen with other women in this situation is that both people have to be in on it and to convince is not good b/c that could cause resentment from the husband and so on. However, I feel like I will be resentful towards him if I can't have my dream b/c he is scared of the extra work that we both know that he won't actually have. I will be the one dealing with at least 98% of that extra work.
He also talks about the fear of not affording it. This is also one of the concerns he doesn't need to have b/c he makes good money and I will make good money when I start working again. Yes, children definitely cost money, but we can afford it. Maybe we can't have them all in private school for all their school years, but I don't want that either. The two oldest are currently in private school, but I really just want them there for the first few years to give them a great start b/c I love montessori ways of teaching (I wish it was public, but they don't have public montessori where we live).
He gets scared of everything that he is not used to it seems. He grew up with only one sibling, so he is not used to large families. I on the other hand, grew up with 5 kids, so I know that it is nice to have a lot of siblings. I want many siblings for my kids to give them a large family that they can have for the rest of their lives and always have a playmate.
Now, how do I convince my husband that it will be ok to have another baby. Or, if this is not possible, how do I convince myself that 3 is ok and that I can be happy with what I have. I feel like I will have so much resentment towards my husband. I mean, already there are many things that I wish he did differently. I wish he was more involved with our family and helped out more, got up in the morning with us, helped get kids ready for school, had dinner together at least a couple times per week, co-parent more with me. I have given up on that wish now and just accepted that he is involved when he wants to be and picks up the fun parts of being a parent. He does love the kids and love playing with them so he is involved in that way. However, if I can't get my dream with the number of kids I want, I feel like I will resent him for that b/c I feel like he is taking my dream away for no reason (I do most parenting anyway). I won't divorce him over it obviously, but I feel like I will look at him differently and will have a hard time doing nice things for him in the future. I actually feel like the work load will increase for him if we stick with 3, b/c I will be so resentful that I no longer can accept him putting in minimal work in the 3 we have.
What should I do? I am going crazy with this b/c this will is so strong for me. I just can't believe that I may never have my dream come true b/c my husband says no due to too much work (which he doesn't even do).
Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 1:23 pm
I think it seems like there's no real reason for him today no, obviously don't go behind his back but sounds like he may be moved!
I've recently just discovered that I'm Preggo and it was a bit of an ooopsy, my husband was not happy but hey things happen! I'll accept after this one (if it sticks) that this is my lot, as he is really anti more kids. However I wouldn't have accepted just having one, as he knew I wanted babies when he got with me.
Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2014 5:46 am
Dont take it out on him by looking at him differently cause some men really do not want a big family and you got to respect that decision. Put your self in his shoes, hes working and tired when he gets back and noone wants to go to work all day and come back and work full time again, but still play and love your kids tho! Thats why my mother did do all the parenting cause my dad worked his ass off all day even some nights for us and was only fair. Dont get me wrong tho my dad was always there for us kids.
When my partner works i dont expect him to be all energetic with my son and take over my role when im just sitting here (im 25 weeks preg with #2).. I told my OH i want 3 kids but he doesnt want more and theres no changing that so i cant keep nagging him and look at him differently when hes already given me the best things in life (my kids) and im thankful for it Kids are very costly even in private schools, food, clothing etc and even my dad was making a fortune but it just wasnt in him to have a big family and mum accepted it. My dream was to have 3 kids + myself but just be happy with what you have cause it may be his dream to have 3 kids and it wont be fair either way so its pointless bickering about it and maybe he might one day soon say 'lets have another' but obviously theres no chance yet.. Just take each day as they come and be happy with what you have infront of you
★☆✿ LIFE is like a camera,, just focus on whats important & capture the good times,, develop from the negatives & if things don't work out,, just take another shot! ツ ♥♡✿