Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:13 am
Post subject: MY BABY DIARY-Am i normal?
Monday 28th January 2008
Today was my first day at new job after moving into new house on Saturday, itís all been a bit hectic but today went well got the bus fine and people at work seem lovely. Been getting cramps and boobs are REALLY sore Iím waiting for my period itís a bit over due but itís got to be on its way any day now, my skin has gone all spotty too, oh joy!
Iíve always got a stash of cheapo pregnancy tests, itís not uncommon for me to miss periods sometimes so I always check that Iím not preggers.. (I never am, but better safe than sorry) and as Iím a bit late I kept telling Big John to remind me to the test I kept forgetting with being so busy, so I remembered tonight just as we were going to bed.. (I usually take the test get a negative and my period shows up the next day!) .... Not this time... even before the 3 minutes was up it had turned to positive!! I had to check it a million times; this doesnít happen to me.. Itís almost a joke now with my friends and family that Iím baron! And Iím the one thatís never having children, donít want a family, donít need a family! Well I cleaned up and just sort of clutched it as I went into the bedroom; Big John was getting undressed for bed
ďAlright baby girl?Ē he says as casual as ever he knows that we do these little tests every now and again to be safe. ĎYepí I tell him kind of hiding my shocked my face I canít lie and my eyes give me away with anything!
ďNegative then?Ē still chirpy
ďNopeĒ I show him the stick and we donít really say anything, just sort of look at each other waiting for each otherís response, is it going to be fear anger excitement.. But itís none of those. He goes to the bathroom like he does every night, I get into bed and Iím shaking all over! I canít rest so I go downstairs for a fag.. Iíve never read the bit of the test leaflet that says ďwhat to do if you get a positive resultĒ so I thought well I better read it and find out.. Iíve never done this before! So I sit and smoke and read it and the only thing getting through to me is that I should see my Gp. Great Iíve only just moved here, no Gp, no friends, no fliss, no family what the hell was I going to do? Stop shaking was the first thing!! John came downstairs when he finished in bathroom and asked what I as doing.. I was a bit surprised at his relaxed attitude, he seemed like he hadnít really taken in what weíd just found out.. I said I couldnít go to bed yet I was too wired. We sat and smoked and talked, weíd always talked about what weíd do if I ever got pregnant, and the answer was always the same.. Weíd get rid.. I know that sounds so cruel but we donít need a baby weíre very happy and complete without a family, we like doing things our way when we want to and most of all we donít want to share the other with anyone else.. So this should have been an easy decision, weíve always been able to talk; weíre always open and honest so why was this so hard? I donít know why.. John looked terrified like he was waiting for me to confirm that we would have an abortion and then we could relax!! But being smacked in the face with it and it being really real was proving harder than either of us had expected!
Tuesday 29th Jan
This morning as we were getting ready for work I told John I was going to ring work and explain I wasnít going in I was going to register with the local Doctors at end of the road, we still hadnít really confirmed what we weíre going to do but the only thing weíd agreed on was not wanting to make a decision that would upset the other one!! Stale mate!
I went to docs and caused a bit of a fuss for someone to see to me, they wouldnít as I wasnít registered they gave me the forms to fill in and made an appointment for me to go back tomorrow to register with nurse, after getting nearly hysterical and demanding to see someone if just to put my mind at ease, a doctor spoke to me between patients, told me to go and get clear blue test to make doubly sure!
I did and they were buy one get one free! (Was this a sign?) I did the test and before the 1 minute was up it there was a great big POSITIVE CROSS staring at me! The doc asked when my last period was (20th DEC) so he said that would make me 6 weeks. So I spent the rest of the day at home worrying, imagining what it might be like, dreading another abortion, going over every single scenario and talking the back teeth off fliss on the phone.. She was really shocked and just said I had to do what I felt was right and nobody would judge us for any decision we made! Awww!
Still smoking till we decide what weíre going to do! Iím not daft Iím making the most of this quality smoking time!
Tuesday Night Ė John came home....
I had decided that if John really felt like he didnít want it then I would agree with him and we would get rid, because I couldnít do this with only one of us wanting to we would have to both be 100% committed, and as I wasnít 100% either about keeping it (despite the little fantasies I couldnít stop about being a mummy) so I was prepared for us to talk and come to the same decision.....
... He came home quite upbeat asked how I was feeling and how things had gone at doctors and he said heíd been thinking about it throughout the day and couldnít say that he definitely DIDNT want the baby he was changing his mind and needed time to think.. I felt the same really; sometimes I thought how stupid am I for even considering it! And then other times I couldnít wait to have my shot at pregnancy and birth and motherhood like everybody else had had, I was going to do things so right where everyone else had gone wrong!! By about 9.30pm we had decided we were keeping the baby and weíre a bit giddy and really [*CENSORED*] scared! So this was it I was going to be a mother... and I had to give up smoking.. Worst!
Wednesday 30th Jan
Got up early had to register with Docs at 9.30am and take my forms and urine sample. You hear people say that when doing a preg test you should use the 1st wee of the day as its more accurate or something so as I collected my sample and used the one remaining clear blue test (buy one get one free) and stuck it in the sample, convinced that none on this was real... Sure as eggs is eggs it turned positive in seconds! So I guess Iím really pregnant! Everything was fine with docs, said I didnít have to do anything until Iím 10-12weeks when I see the midwife for my first check so my appointment is Tuesday 11th March.. somehow I feel like I should see the doctor or something or someone should talk to me about it, not just leave me alone till march!! Is that normal? But they said unless I have any problems I just sit tight look after myself and ... wait!
Wednesday Evening- Decided to tell the family, Johnís Mum, my Mum, my Daddy, and my kid brother.. Couldnít get in touch with Steve; think it might be bad news for his mum! Everyone was pretty nice about it congratulations and such asked about why and when etc but on the whole a pretty positive result (pardon the pun)
Thursday 31st Jan
Taking folic acid each morning for next 12 weeks work have been great about baby and time off for doctors, really nice actually.. Donít feel in any way pregnant, still feel like my period is due any day sore boobs period type cramps but I suppose my 3 tests canít be wrong!
Spoke to Viv finally tonight it was bad news, Grandma Worrall died today 12:45pm Steve was passed out on couch after sharing bottle of whisky with his dad..Awwww, I canít tell him now.. But I told Viv instead and told her not to tell him if she thought heíd be upset.
About 10pm Steve called and we discussed the baby he is really happy for us, heís coping ok and said funeral should be in about a week. Bit worried about him hope heís ok!
Friday 1st Feb
Still donít feel pregnant, why isnít anything happening apart from these stupid period pains? Looking forward to an early night bit tired. I donít believe the baby is even there bet weíll wake up in a month and itís all been a dream, yep thatís whatís going on Iím clearly dreaming!!!
Saturday 2nd Feb
Pictures with Josh for his birthday on Wednesday, watching bee movie, John told him about the baby heís happy, not really bothered actually he wants a brother as heís got a sister from his mum and partner.
According to Docs.. Week 7
Monday 4th Feb
No Sickness no nothing, really donít believe itís real Iím doing Flissís head in now saying this, I want to get another test John wonít let me!
Tuesday 5th Feb
On way home tonight (Lisa gave me a lift) felt really wobbly and had to rush out of her car to throw up.. (About 6pm) Only just got key in the door I was quite trembly, think morning sickness might have started.. woo hoo!
Wednesday 6th Feb
Joshís Birthday 9 today- Throwing up all morning, had to stop the bus to hurl, had a day at home spewing and if anyone else tells me ginger biscuits are good for sickness Iíll direct it right in their face! I feel very scared, not of labour or motherhood, just scared in general, of walking in the dark, of gangs of young lads, of being hurt, Iíve never been scared of anything in my life (apart from 8 legged things that we donít mention) Iím pretty secure and brave and love my own company, but lately Iím just anxious all the time, John went to the co op and was a bit late and I thought heíd left me I was a sobbing wreck when he walked through the door. I just keep thinking please donít anyone hurt me!
Thursday 7th Feb
Sickness worse than yesterday, all day spewing, work are brillí they said just get better and theyíll see me next week. Staying at Flissís tonight for funeral tomorrow. Canít wait to see her! (Dreading the drive down though with my dicky tummy)
Friday 8th Feb
I Was sick before the funeral about 8am but nothing for the rest of the day, felt a bit queasy here and there but no more sickness, called in on mother and Daddy before coming back home everyone fine and asking lots of questions about baby. A bit gross but noticing quite thick discharge, not discomfort or discolouration just a bit heavier than usual, apparently itís normal!! Eeeewwww!!
Saturday 9th Feb
No sickness today maybe itís all gone!! Feel nauseous but nothing happening
Sunday 10th Feb
No sickness again I reckon itís all gone now! A bit wobbly feeling now and again but not actually hurling
Monday 11th Feb
Sickness is back with a vengeance Grrrr! Stupid baby! And itís making me fat!
Tuesday 12th Feb
No Sick Feel pretty good actually (apart from dreadful bus ride home that makes me feel really ill) Iím getting fat! Feel very thick set none of my trousers fit me, theyíll literally fasten but are tight enough to hurt me and I canít sit down and it makes me feel ill to have anything tight around my middle. I keep wearing my pinafore dresses for work nice and loose with soft stretchy leggings dead comfy, really need new clothes when money picks up. Been reading lots of things on line, I feel quite clueless about whatís happening to me, never done it before and my support network of friends and family are back in Cheshire. They say (those experts) that itís very common to bleed in the early stages of pregnancy around the time your period is due, 1. Because they embryo is embedding itself in the lining of your uterus and that can cause you to bleed a little 2. There isnít enough pregnancy hormone present in early stages to completely stop your period so you may get a little bit. Iím convinced that by the time I bled in December I was already pregnant. I only had 1 day of light bleed, instead of my usual 3 days of medium bleeding, wasnít bothered at the time I remember celebrating because I wouldnít be on for Christmas eve when I was going out with my friends so I could wear my dress as planned! And people say you look pretty washed out at the beginning and get very tired. Well I was knackered the couple of weeks before we moved and Fliss kept saying how rough I was looking but we put it down to the stress of moving! And the first time I was sick was moving day and we thought again it was just a bit of stress.. Well I think Iím a month further.
Wednesday 13th Feb
Again no sick and feeling lovely I think itís all gone for good this time. Getting thicker and wider every second. Rubbish! But Randy as hell! Cramps are fading less frequent now.
Thursday 14th Feb-Valentineís Day
Really randy have been for few days now, I know my Big John is gorgeous but suddenly he looks tastier than ever!! So me and john enjoyed a rather lovely wakeup call and went to work smiling! No sick again feeling grrreat!
Bus ride home- really made me feel ill threw up when I got home but I donít think it was baby I think it was just the horrid bumpy hour long ride! Iíve never travelled very well!
Friday 15th Feb
No sick defo all over now.. I feel queasy when Iím hungry, getting very hungry at the moment at odd times eating small amounts very often I find is best and ginger nuts didnít help at all I hate them they make all your biscuits taste of horrid ginger.. Sweet tea sipped slowly in the morning helped me. I canít hold my belly in any more like I used to it hurts, so Iíve just got this horrid podge that doesnít look like a baby bump, just looks like Iím a big fat heffer!
Going off Coffee big time. Gutted as itís my favourite I know Iím not supposed to have it but I bought decaf especially.. Anyway donít like any more and can only manage a tea sometimes! And I couldnít stand the smell of beef that john put on his sandwiches the other morning bleurgghh made me feel sick!
**No Sickness all over weekend. Feel great actually apart from the horrendous fatness!!!!!**
If Doctors are right.. 9 Weeks... If Iím right.. 3 Months
Monday 18th Feb
Apart from an attack of the grumps and nearly leaving john on Saturday, I feel great, now Iím not being sick anymore and I havenít really got a shape, I donít even feel pregnant! I think it might have all been a mistake maybe I saw a positive result (which might have been wrong) and convinced myself I was pregnant and then all my symptoms have been psycho somatic. Iím really terrified that Iíll get to my scan in about a month and they laugh me out of the room because thereís no baby there! Seeing as my first midwife appointment isnít until 3 weeks tomorrow, if they are right Iíll be 12 weeks by then.. But if Iím right Iíll be nearly 4 months! Iím worried that Iím missing things that I should be doing, pregnant classes or whatever they are, scans and such, but Iím totally alone up here thereís only me and John so I just have to trust what they tell me!
Quite impatient with people a tad ratty. Think Iím getting a cold too today, all snuffly with a fuzzy headache seeing as Iím not allowed to take paracetamol just got to suffer! Big john is gonna pick me up from work so I donít have to get on that horrid bus home. Iím thinking of ringing the doctors and telling them what I think about being further along.. Wonder if theyíll do anything? Or just shoo me away! Just phoned docs... bummer! The very last appointment of the day is about 5.50pm and we wonít have fought our way through the traffic by then.. Just spoke to Big John, I miss him terribly, more so at the moment, I canít wait to be home every day and just be cuddle up with him.. And concentrating at work is a nightmare, Iím getting my work done but every thought is baby baby baby!! And Iím a bit forgetful keep forgetting what Iím talking about, or taking home someone elseís coat from work or forgetting my name when I answer the phone!!
Tuesday 19th Feb
Iím a big emotional wreck! Still no sick but felt pretty close on the bus here this morning, but that might be down to me being upset while I was eating my breakfast threw a huge big thrombo. Crying about stuff, feel very emotional, Iím a big [*CENSORED*] head!!!!!
Wednesday 20th Feb
Feel Great this morning, (I think [*CENSORED*] always helps) canít wait to see him at the end of the day, Iíve SQUEEEEZED into my pencil skirt Iím so grotesque with fatness but Iím sick of looking like a whale feel a bit like my old self wearing this. When we first found out about baby Ellis (and I think it might have been shock) but Big John didnít seem very fussed about a baby on the way, but as the days and weeks have gone on heís picked up my pregnancy magazines and has been reading about stuff, and saying stuff about holidays in the caravan and buying a camera to take pictures of me with bump and baby Ellis when he/she arrives, I think heís really quite looking forward to it!
Friday 22nd Feb
All these emotions are getting on my nerves now Iím missing my friends back home a little but really missing my Daddy Big John has said heíll take me back Saturday to see Alfie for his 21st birthday and I can see my daddy! Yippee! And Iíll cal in on Fliss too Iíve been very worried about her to be honest sheís been rocked quite a bit by the move well we both have I think Iím more in denial then her though or maybe Iíve just got the baby to pre occupy me! Either way I need to see her and know sheís alright. Sheís my Candy Fliss! And itíll be lovely to see jack again I bet heís grown already! Work have given me a maternity pillow its yellow with piglet on it I think it might be jennyís but everyone thatís been pregnant in the office has used it and she said I can use it to help me sit comfortably at work.. awww I feel quite accepted!! (God donít cry woman!) and I noticed last night that my nipples are changing Iím sure the bobbly bit at the end is bigger, and the skin seemed a bit dry, slightly cracked (like chapped lips) but they werenít sore or anything just had lose skin that could be picked off, oh god Iím a disgusting monster my body is going to be ruined and john will never fancy me ever again!!! Iím going to spend forever alone (apart from baby) then baby Ellis will find me one day in my sheltered housing being eaten my 100 pet cats that are strays collected from my neighbourhood!!!!!!!
***I had a breakdown in the car Friday night when John picked me up from work; donít know why half of it was missing my Daddy the other half was because Iím totally and utterly bonkers! Went home Saturday night saw my daddy and Brother for his birthday was really nice. Came home Sunday afternoon, (had some grrrrreat loving with big john!!!)***
Monday 25th Feb
Have had a killer headache for 2 days now, cant have any tablets so keep drinking plenty but that just makes me wee more!! Even bonking didnít help the headache and its meant to! I nodded off twice on the bus was desperately trying to open my eyes and my lids were stuck fast, Johns mum says she has got me my first piece of maternity wear from dotty Pís apparently its a pink top that says ďBUMPĒ on it! Pay day this Friday i hope i get a good wage iím a bit worried, and iím going straight to next to buy some maternity pants and then scour the markets on Saturday with big john for cheap dolly shoes, socks and tops.
This is what baby Ellis is looking like.... in my dairy i've added pictures from internet of what baby ellis looks like at certain stages