Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 3:48 pm
Post subject: father to my baby doesn't want to know
When I first told the father to my baby I was pregnant he immediatly wanted me to get a termination. I knew deep down I wasn't going to be able to go through with it but I agreed. I went to the hospital and everything but just couldn't do it.
I foolishly left it about 6 weeks before telling him that I was still pregnant, but when I did he didn't believe that it was his baby.
I'm 27 weeks now and am 100% that it is his child.
After telling him I was still pregnant he changed his mobile number so I turned up at his house to speak to him. We talked for a while and he told me that he wouldn't be able to get involved until a DNA test was done, which I said fair enough to.
However a few days later I received a text from him to say that he was sorry and that he couldn't have anything to do with the baby. He then went on to say that I had no right keeping the baby in the first place and that there is no way his name would be going on the birth certificate.
Since then he has changed his number again and deleted his email address.
I now have no contact with him and don't know what to do.
Firstly I don't want to bring a baby into this world with no father around whatsoever, I'm going to need help with money and I don't know how I am going to get him to pay his way.
I'm just in a right state at the moment over all this and any advice from anyone would be great.
Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 8:09 pm
Hi, i dont really know much about this but didn;t want the post to go unanaswered.
Sorry to hear about your situation, i think it is the case that you cannot put his name on the birth cert without his permission but you can contact the CSA to get financial support from him. I think if he disputes it is his you can then sort a paternity test and if its his he will have to pay whether he wants any contact with the baby or not.
I am sure htere are other ladies on here who know more about this than me so hopefully one of them may be able to give you better advice. x
Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 10:15 pm
What a drama, unfortunately you cant force anyone to be a parent, the money issue will be sorted if he refuses to get the baby registered with you, you can have a DNA and once it comes back that baby is his you can go to CSA. Unfortunately him giving you money doesn't guarentee that he'll want to take an interest and be a share in the parenting of your child.
Its really hard and there'll be lots of tears but i think you need to seriously consider the prospect of you being a single parent and getting on with living your life for yourself and your baby as you cant rely on someone that really doesn't want to be involved. He might change his mind but you dont want to waste time waiting for that moment that may never come.
Sorry hun, i've just had my daughter and have split from her dad its the most painful thing ever but its for the best for me and my daughter and now i see things a lot clearer mainly that he was just using me and clearly has no interest in our daughter. I've started planning my life as a single parent and would always include him in stuff as we got her registered last week, when i get her christened i'll involve him, bdays i'll involve him but its up to him to put himself in place and commit to being her father.
It will get easier just remember to put yourself and baby first all the time and life will be just fine - promise Axx
Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 10:47 pm
What an awful situation to be in, like the others said, you can't force him to be a Dad to your baby, but he can't shirk his financial obligations and they will have ways of tracking him down. You won't be able to put him on the birth certificate if you're not married.
Lots of women manage just fine on their own though, Im sure you have more than enough love for your little one to go around and try and get as much support from your family and friends. Best of luck xxx
Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 10:56 pm
hi hun, im sorry to hear of your situation and i had to reply to this as i definatley know what your going through!!!!!!
you cant put father on the birth certificate (unless your married) without him being there at the time of registration, but as said before you can contact csa and let them find him for maintenance.
i have gone through exactly the same thing, my ex wanted a termination when i found out at 14 weeks pregnant, then refused to be any part of it, changed number address etc and didnt support me at all during pregnancy emotionally or financially. he later contacted me at roughly 25/27 weeks pregnant and wanted to be there etc...turned out he was just playing mind games and wanted me but not baby.
since i have had my son he has seen him once, have made dates and times for him to have access and has never turned up.
i wont lie hun, it is hard going through pregnancy and when baby is here by yourself-i have a partner now but it sometime feels like im still by myself because he is not is father. but i tell you what he is the most fantastic dad i could ask for!
you are never on your own, there is always support ie doctors etc or parenting groups and there is always your family!can you speak to them?do they support you?
dont worry about not having a father hun, any 'boy' can be a father but it takes a special man to be a dad and until that day when you find the special man a mum is all your baby needs! a strong happy and stress free mum, keep thinking of the little one you are carrying and everything else will fall second to him.
dont wait around for him to change his mind and come back, i did this and he just used me....looking back on it now im glad he wanted nothing to do with him as he is no role model for my son and i wouldnt trust him at all with him
Things will be hard, any mum will tell you it is a hard thing to bring up a child with a father or without but it is all worth it trust me!when you see that little face staring up at you, you wont give a care to the world for your ex
As i said i know what your going throigh and if you want a chat dont hesittae
Take care xxxxxx
Posted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:09 am
Your story hits a chord with me as my situation is very similar. I found out at xmas that i'm pregnant and he was ok at first, then backed off and talked about abortion, and not wanting to get involved. he said if i want to carry on its up to me but he wanted no part. These guys dont seem to realise that if they were so dead set against a baby why not wear a rubber?
I feel your guy is the same as mine in that they are both very scared and in a situation they didn't want to find themselves in. I'd be heartbroken if i found my ex never had anything to do with his baby, yes, i'm hoping he'll still come round and want a part of the baby's life, but at the same time i have to be real here and face the possibility that he wont. Get friends and family on board, i know its not the same as a partner but it does help.
Telling you the baby probably isn't his is just another way of hurting you and hoping you'll abort, mine said something similar which i found unbelievable coming from what i thought was such a warm person. Maybe its a way of hitting home their point of wanting nothing to do with it in the hope you'll think you'll never cope. They're wrong, at present i'm bringing up 3 children alone and believe me you do find the strength and determination.
My advice to you now is to stop chasing him, as long as you do that he'll think he always has the option to return if he does have a sudden change of heart. The csa are clever and will find him based on whatever info you can give. You dont need to do a dna test and honestly i'd never put my child through that, i'd rather cope on what i have than lower myself.
At the end of the day this is his loss and your gain, you're doing the best for your baby will continue to do so and he has to live with the guilt forever.
Wishing you the best of luck
Posted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 9:08 pm
Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:25 pm
I am sorry to hear your situation, as a woman I understand it, but why did you even have it if he didn't want it?. He told you since the beginning and you did't listen, he straight up told you he didn't want to be in the babiy's life. Poor guy and poor baby as for you, think about the future instead of trying to keep man with a baby next time. Love doesn't work like that way.
Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 7:07 am
Sorry but I think most of your comments are harsh ,judgemental and totally unfair Senoritalearned ,
it takes two to make a baby ,so you could say why did he not be more careful if he didn't want the responsibility ,
and she never said it was planned on her part,
and what are you suggesting she should have had an abortion just because he wanted her too
If you read the post properly she also never said she wanted him to be part of her life, just the baby's ,so i don't see where you get that she "trapped" him so never mind "poor guy"
Also why "poor baby" she could be an excellant mother for all you know and one goood parent is better than 2 bad ones
Just glad this is an old post so hopefully the original poster will never see your comments .
Oh by the way welcome to askbaby, this is generally a very friendly and supportive forum so i felt I had to balance what you'd said in your post