Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:53 pm
Post subject: Cant cope with reality, Just want them both back :-(
In the space of 5 weeks both me and my husband have lost family members - Dawn, his sister my sister in law and my Nan.
Dawn's death was very unexpected, 5 months ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and was expected to live through it.
However she passed away in hospital after all the efforts that were made she had already passed on - Monday 14th April 08.
There was a post mortem - as her death was within 24 hours of hospital admission, this revealed that she was FREE from cancer when she died - and it was the chemo that had killed her, it caused an inflamation of the heart therfore causing heart attack.
Her death is the only one that was adult ie not a miscarriage, and i was only one when my brother passed on so this death was my first if you so wish.
My husband Dean couldnt take it in what had happened, we all couldnt and still cant, she was such a lovely bubbley person - he had to see her in the undertakers to believe such a horrific tale of her death.
Although being pregnant and knowing it would upset me, i went with him to support him and also to say goodbye.
Thought it wouldnt / couldnt be too bad.
How wrong was i?
We entered her room, while she lay at peace, dressed in clothes her son's had bought her for christmas and heels sandels on her feet. Looked at peace, but looked so cold.
At first it wasnt her - as she lost her hair with the chemo and we hadnt seen her since she was due to start chemo. Her features were like our dawn's but she was so much different.
It was aweful to see her lead there - i expected her to jump up, giggling as she would and say something like ' ha ha had you there dint i' but that never happened. My husband still couldnt accept that was his sister lead there, still i think he doesnt believe it.
We went in to see her after her boys (13 and 15 years old) had been in, and they had placed teddy's in her arms, and photographs on her chest.
It was really hard thing to do.
At her funeral the entrance song was Take that and rule the world - which i kindly burnt to CD for the service, as i had songs in question..
"the stars are coming out tonight, for you.. for you..."
The exit song was celine Dion - my heart will go on, the service was a lovely one, everyone really cared for her - the church was packed. We took our boys too (3 yrs and 2 yrs old) and throughout the service they were brilliant.
As we had laid her to rest and came to walk away, the youngest then was just under 2 yrs old, said BYE and waved - that broke my heart, surely he couldnt of known what was happening?
My nan had been in hospital since before christmas, had one operation to remove 2 toes - basically wrongly diagnosed, but this first amputation lead to another and another then another which finally left her without a leg.
She was due to come home - but due to special beds needed to be delivered it was put off, then her condition deterioated and the doctors said it wouldnt be long, and they were right
She passed away in her sleep in hospital, we think that she gave up all hope of coming back home and lost the fight.
I still cant believe shes gone - and shes not coming back.
It hurts hard in my heart, its broken into a million peaces.
I just want her back, one last kiss and one last cuddle.
Due to Dawn's death and how much the viewing of her in the undertakers i decided not to see my nan - i thought id remember her how she was but am now really really regretting it.
I am having difficulty believing shes gone and never coming back, it doesnt feel right somehow.
I wrote a speach for my nans service - although i couldnt say it the vicar said she would read it for me, after the service most family and friends and even the vicar herself made a point of finding me and telling me how nice my speach was. which was nice to hear as you never really know.
Since her death - everything seems to be called Ruby. (her name) I bought flowers, was picking up bunches in a shop and picked up one that was called 'Ruby Collection' so bought those. That same evening, we sold my favourite puppy, which i named bumble - and without knowing anything about us the new owners told us - her new name was 'Ruby' which is nice to know, and i was looking on ebay for a minibus (long story... but we need one..) and one listing said welcome you are looking at Ruby...
Everythings so upsetting to think that MY RUBY, nan isnt here anymore.
Due to internet and tits out there - lol ive blanked out our surnames
MrsSpringer - Hoping To Raise Awareness Of CHD's.
**PLEASE HELP SPREAD THE CHD WORD.**
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:10 pm
Oh Mrs Springer.... my heart goes out 2 u!!! I really dont no what 2 say.
Im so sorry 2 hear about the deaths of such close family 2 u!
All I can say is it seems that u have such great memories of the people uv lost and thats something ull never 4get!
It must be hard 2 lose two such close family members to u in such a short space of time I just hope u get thru the grieving ok with the support of ur family!
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:15 pm
Thank you hun.
I dont know what to say but i just feel so broken at the moment, i have good and bad days - i have days where i think they are gone and i cant do anything about it - then i have days like this where im so upset and angry, and am in total disbelief that they are gone.
I wrote Dawn 2 poems / written sentiments that was planning to be read out at her service but then i changed my mind, thinking they sounded aweful.
4 short years,
Thatís all I had with you
But I can say in those 4 very short years
You did so much,
Said so much
You touched our hearts forever
Do you remember when Duncan rolled over for the very first time at your house?
Do you remember when we ran out of nappies and you gave us some you had for years?
Do you remember going out for the meal with us all and the walk we took along the beach
I remember now and forever
Memories which seem so un-eventful but so precious to remember
I will never forget
Your laugh made anyone laugh,
Even at things we didnít find funny
Now youíre gone,
We will never hear you laugh any more
We will never get one last cuddle
We will never get to make more memories
Why did he choose you?
Why did he steal you from us?
It hurts so much
Deep in our hearts
A strong pain that tells us
We will never get to see you again
We will never get that one last cuddle
Nor the chance to make one last memory together
It really hurts
Angel work he says,
You are an angel now,
You have angel work to do now
You have to look after those who need you in heaven
Those who need your love, laughter and memories.
It shouldnít have happened this young
He should not of taken you
We were not ready to say goodbye
We wanted to grow old with you
20/03/1962 Ė 14/04/2008
Still cant believe your gone
Still cant believe your not coming back
Still cant believe he took you
Life without you seems unbearable
No cheeky jokes to laugh to
No rosey red cheeks to look at
No memories to make
Your memory lives on
In the things that you did,
The things you created and made
[[[[ Edited by me lol will repost this paragraph soon]]]]
Seems so unreal
You were here
Now you are gone
Where did you go?
Why did you go?
We need you here
Nan's speach i wrote and vicar read out
My earliest memory of Nan is when I was about 7 years old and we were all around the kitchen table to cut my birthday cake. It was plain white with lots of candles.
Nan handed me the cake with the candles ready to blow out, I was even allowed to cut the cake myself, under Nanís watchful eyes and every other thing she said was to be careful and watch I didnít hurt myself and I didnít thanks to Nan.
She boasted to us she made the cake herself and until grampy let the secret out we believed it too!
Ever since then I learnt my Nan was protective of us all, always watched when I blew out candles, or cut birthday cake or even took food and drinks from the kitchen to the little room. She was there for us, what ever we needed.
She put everyone before herself and her own needs, she would never rest until she had food on the table for us, or drinks in our hands and if we said we are ok she would and could list the entire pantryís contents until we said Ė ok then.
Nan loved to be out with the caravan, especially to RAF air tattoo display. I remember the summer of 2005, I camped out with them, and so did little Duncan in Timís tent. The following day a kind person gave us 2 tickets for entry into the show to see the planes and watch the display. Nan and grampy said Tim and me could go so we did. Leaving little Duncan who was 7 months old in Nan and gramps care, on our return Nan had Duncan sitting outside on a cushion and she was feeding him ice cream fresh from the ice cream van!
MrsSpringer - Hoping To Raise Awareness Of CHD's.
**PLEASE HELP SPREAD THE CHD WORD.**