Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 5:22 am
Post subject: emotional issue to do with ex - please help
i'm 13 and a half weeks pregnant
not showing (i dont think??) not sure if thats just my stomach in general or a slight bump! haha
in a VERY complicated situation...hoping someone can give me some advice
im 20, in my final year of uni, and planning on keeping my baby
my ex & i are no longer together...in fact broke up after i found out he cheated on me 5 times..in the space of 4 months
unfortunately i still have strong feelings for him, i dont think he does for me, he has committment issues (obviously) and in his words "i dont want a girlfriend right now"
regardless he knows im keeping the baby, but i think in the back of his mind he hopes i will change my mind and have an abortion
my main issue is HIM more so than university and the fact my baby is due near around exam time..all that i will sort out with my teachers etc
am i wrong to expect him to call me every day to see how i am? despite the fact we're not together? when he first found out he said we "had" to get back together..of course i knew he was just saying that because of the baby nothing to do with how he feels about me, but he kind of admitted he still has feelings for me
a week after that, me going through my hormonal and crazy emotional states, i had a massive go at him said a lot of things i regret now and well...pushed him away i guess
because then he reverted back to how he doesnt wanna be with me again (messed with my head all over again)
things now are tense, and very on and off. sometimes we're ok, sometimes we're not.
i just dont know what to do in regards to how involved he should be in my pregnancy
like i said i know we're not together but i still think he should care about me whilst im carrying his child
im getting very fed up of this situation, its causing me so much stress but i dont know what to do
someone help! xxx
Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 8:56 am
Think you've just got to hang on in there and try to give him some room to get used to it. My sister had exactly the same thing happen to her, he cheated they broke up, then they were on and off alot at the beginning. But then he started careing, like when she started getting bigger and he felt the kicks from her belly, and now shes had a baby boy the dad doesn't stay away. They have a flat and are really happy.
If hes the type of bloke that likes partying and having space he isnt going to like being told to stop and grow up. but it will come natuarly to him in time and he wont want to mess about anymore.
Dont worry about him, concentrate on u and your baby. He'l come around x
Hope it all goes ok x
Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 2:49 pm
I wouldn't waste the energy on him really. You have quite enough to do with keeping healthy for yourself and your baby. Make sure in your heart you aren't relying on this being a way of bringing him back - because once a cheating arse always a cheating arse in general, so why put yourself through it?
My advice would be to look elsewhere for support. Family and friends can be better than a partner at this sort of thing, and much more reliable. Have a think now about who you'd like to be your birth partner - and start invloving that person from now as much as possible. He doesn't sound like the most reliable sort, so try not to put yourself in a position where you're relying on him - that way you won't be disappointed. If he then chooses to take some involvement and you choose to let him - great, its a bonus. If not, then you don't feel hurt and let down.
Hope that helps a little. You really don't want to be in a position where you are concentrating on him to the point that you don't get to enjoy and experience your pregnancy. This should be such a happy time - don't let him take that away from you!
Let us know how you get on
Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 1:46 pm
i no exactly hw u feel cause dats wot has jus happened 2me, ive only recently found out im pregnant and since ive only just turned 18 im extremely worried and scared about having the baby.
my ex andrew who is 24 was over da moon wen e found out i was pregnant den one day i walked in on m while e was in bed wif my friend!!
i feel like i ace noone anymore cause andrew and just a few of my friends know that im pregnant as i too scared to tell my parents.
anyway i finished with m and e told me that he was glad we were over cause e didnt want to have a fat pregnant girlfirend, im absolutely heartbroken as i still love him so so much.
we got back together for about a week and i found out e was still cheatin on me with my so called my mate so i chucked him out!! i just dont know what to do?? we use to live together but now im living by myself which is hard as i cant keep up with the rent as im at school and it was always andrew who helped pay for it.
he keeps tellin me he wants anonther chance and i just dont know what to do!!!
Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 1:49 pm
do talk to your parents - once they get over the shock I'm sure they will help you. It's what Mum's are for!! If not, or you really can't, speak to your midwife to find out if there are any local support groups for girls in your situation. There's often a great network of people right around the corner, if you only know to go and look for them.
Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 1:56 pm
You sound such a sensible person and I love you way you can put everything into compartments as different parts of your life. You are obviously a strong person, who like most people, have fallen in love with someone who right now might not be the best person in your life.
I hate to use an old cliche but if you are meant to be together you will. If you try and build your life around him being in it - you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. However, if you accept that he will not be your DP and merely the baby's father - then you can concentrate on building the right life for you and the baby. Then, as does happen, he may well come round and make you both the centre of his world - but he will have done that because he wanted to not because he felt he had to - and you will know that you never forced him to do this and that will give you reassurance.
I am not a pessimist but am a great believer in accepting the worst and being very happy if the best happens.
Good luck in whatever you do - and just be strong for you and baby - everything else should just fall into place.
Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:41 pm
thank you everyone for your advice and help
i guess my ex did really just need space and time to register everything. about a week ago i sent him a message saying he really just needs to straighten up and grow up, and if he cant do that, leave me alone til he's ready. basically everything works out for him - im giving him the option to be there whenever is convenient for him, not going to be horrible and turn him away if he decides to wise up 4 months down the line.
but anyway he came over to see me and things are "perfect" - he's accepted it, theres no talk of abortion, hes ok with it all.
but i still cant get over him and still want to be with him really really wish i would get over it already! its preventing me from being happy and i know unhappiness and stress is the last thing i need right now.
thanks again everyone xxx