Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 6:44 pm
Post subject: how i helped my 4 yr old when my mum died.
i thought i would add this in the hope that one day it may help some of you too.
as some of you may know my mum died 3 weeks ago,she had been ill for a long time,so from a young age i told neve about death,in the hope that when the time came sh e would have a better understanding.
i had told her ages ago that sometimes people can become so ill that even the best doctors cant fix them anymore,and described it as like an ornament or something simillar, if the thing is only a bit broken then you can often fix it or put it back together,but sometimes things can get so broken that they cant be fixed anymore, and it can be the same with people.she seemed to get this even at the age of 3.
so on the day mum died i sat neve down and told her that nanna had become very ill and the hospital couldnt fix her this time,and that she had closed her eyes and gone to heaven.
she asked if an angel had come to hold nannas hand so she knew where to go,and i said yes.she jumped into my arms and cried for a few minutes when she asked if she would ever see her again,and i had to say no.
after a while she said that she wouldnt think about her nan anymore,as she didnt want to cry,as that would make me cry so she just wouldnt think about her.
over the next couple of days she acted like nothing had happened and wouldnt speak about my mum at all when i was around,but she was asking her dad about heaven and so on when he was taking her to school.
her brave face was amazing for a 4 year old,but i knew it wasnt the best thing for her,i sent her for a sleep over at her best friends house,hoping that she may open up to mias mum(who is my best bud) but she didnt even mention that her nan had died,
then the night that she came home i put her to bed and she broke down and cried hysterically for ages,just saying that she needed to see her nan,and that she was missing her,it was heart breaking.
i told her she could talk about nanna when ever she wanted but she told me she didnt want to.
my mum had sent neve a little note on an envelope with £20 inside when shane was born,and i hadnt taken her to spent it yet,so the next day i gave it to her and at the bottom of the note it said "lots of love from nanna xxxxxxx"
we have a build a bear workshop in a shopping centre near us,where you go and choose a bear then you get to stuff it and put a heart in it,i cut out the love from nanna bit of the note and took it with us,i told neve that we would buy a bear with the money from nanna and put the note inside,then that way she would always kn ow that her nannas love for her was inside the teddy,and if she didnt want to talk to me or her dad,she could talk to the teddy,and cuddle it when she was missing my mum.
so off we went,it was very emotional for me but i knew that she needed something she could physically see to help her.
she chose the most ugly purple cat(but hey it was her choice!) we stuffed the bear and slipped the note inside it at the last minute,before it was stitched up.
well the response was immediate,we called in to see our friends on the way home,she went in and started to tell everyone why she had the cat,and about its special note from nanna inside,and that nan had died but now she felt better because her nans love was in the cat forever.over the next few days she improved dramatically,and now 2weeks on she sleeps with the cat ecery night,but more importantly she talks and asks questions about my mum all the time and she knows its ok to do this.
im so glad i could do something to help her,and i just wanted to share it with you,incase
any of you find yourself having to deal with such an awful thing while your kids are young.
Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 10:26 am
Im so sorry uve lost ur mum i cant even begin to imagine what ur goin thru bt u are so brave. What u have done with neve i admire i dunnow if i could of done that, the idea u came up with is great neve will always have her nanny with her xx
Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:11 am
emmaloo, your brilliant and i hope your listening to all the comments from people about how well your doing.
You are what i call a proper mum, you can cope with anything and know instinctively what to do, i hope i can be a good mum like you.
Neve obviously has your strength and im very proud of both of you
Posted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 6:21 am
Emmaloo, First I feel so sorry for your mom and I know its really hard time for you. Death is really painful and its terrible tragedy. I lost my uncle 3years ago and it was so bad time for me. I hope your post will really helpful who have lost their loved one. Thanks for sharing your experience. Its very sad and emotional post. My heart goes out to you and you are always in my prayers and thoughts. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))