Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:48 am
Post subject: Had Enough with Teenager
I have an 18 year old who finally pushed me too far this weekend. We have a rule that no girls can stay the night. Guess what he brought one home! promised to have her out of the house by 10 am but she did not leave until 6 o'clock.
He asked if a couple of friends could come over for a bar-b-que, now I made a couple out to be two, which two did show up, followed by 5. He then proceeded to empty my fridge to feed them!!!!
My husband tried to talk to him, but he called my husband a XXXX head and said he pays rent. Well he doesn't because every month he has an excuse not too. We only ask 100 out of his 900 per month salary.
I pay his mobile phone bill every month and found out he upgraded his contract, which is in my name from 25 per month to 67 per month. He plays his rap soooo loud you can hear it down the street.
He lost his temper the other week and put a hole through his bedroom door. We asked him to pay for it and we are still waiting for the money.
Don't even get me started on the BT bill. This is only a short list of what he has gotten up too.
I am now at my wits end, and I feel that I have no choice but to ask him to leave. I feel awful but he is setting such a bad example for my other two kids the youngest is 12. He is actually upsetting them because he insults his dad in front of them.
I want him to grow up, get some responsibility and maybe in 6 months time come back home.
Sorry for moaning but I just need to get it off my chest.
Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:58 am
oh my god you need to get hard on this one !!! i would say no rent no food or tv ie electrical applinces in his room and why do you pay his mobile bill if he is on 900 per month ??????? buck up or ship out is what i say. sorry iff i sound harsh but i think you have been maybe to soft and now he is seriously taking advantage of you and your husband and if he is upsetting the other children it needs to be sorted. also the other children observing what he is getting away with is only going to cause you more probs in years to come as what you do for one you should do for the others..sorry i come from a big family and i get really cross with teenagers that think the world owes them something .. goood luck
Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:53 pm
blimey!!!!!! i totally agree with hoping4!! he cannot be like this in front of your other children-i have a 7 yr old sis n if i ever even thought of behaving like that in front of her(wen i lived at home) i would have got a crack!!! you can ring the Mobile phone company and 'lower' the tariff of the contract-if it is in your name(unfortunately you will not be able to end the contract) stop doing your sons washing, ironing, cooking etc and he might start to 'get your point' xxxxxgood luck xxx
Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:11 pm
WOW! he sounds like a right hand full. I am only 20 and i dont have children so i have no idea what its like to be a parent but i do know one thing..... i was a hell of a handfull and my mum was at breaking point just like you. This was until she died and ive never known my dad. I was only 17 and turned to my aunt who then died 2 months later. i then turned to my nan who followed 6 months later..... i dont want sympothy but i think i had it hard...... i tell you what tho, its the best way, i mean of course i wouldnt wish that on anyone and i wish my mam was here but hell its the best way to learn. You need to be real tough with him and he will soon learn, i know as a mother it is prob hard to tell your son to leave but i think it for the best, book his ideas up or get out.
Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:20 pm
Oh hun, sorry to hear your having a tough time with your son. sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. can i just ask how has he managed to upgrade his phone if its in your name? if i was you i would be on the phone to mobile company going mad! he really is taking advantage of you and your hubby. my mum was the same with my brother, i know its hard cos he is still your son but you need to lay the law down to him and tell him while ever he is under your roof he obeys your rules, if not he knows where the door is. otherwise he will just keep pushing his luck. he is also being a bad influence on your other children who will be picking up on this.
good luck with everything
caz x x
Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:03 pm
Hi I have a teenage daughter of 16 - just finished GCSE's and going back for A levels.....I sympathise with you completely!!! I think until you reach the teenage years with your children you never really know how bad it can be the problem is when your 'adult' size child says no - what on earth can you do??? I found this out when my daughter was throwing a strop, she slammed the bedroom door on me and I couldnt do a thing to stop her, she is taller and bigger than me thankfully so far I have only had a handful of occasions where I have been stuck for answers, but have been taken the p1ss out of with friends coming over etc, fridge being emptied and girls taking over my house.......thing is I dont want to embarrass my daughter by asking them to leave so wait until they have gone then DD just says sorry and trudges back to her room!!! Sometimes it is not worth the arguing, cop out I know but the quiet life is so much easier....we also have the rule 'no boys in bedrooms' daughter bought boy 'friend' over for lunch then they sat in her room with the door closed, I gave her the 'eye' (am sure all you ladies remember that from parents) and said "door open please" v.v. quietly and they promptly went back in and closed the door!!!! I felt horrible like a stranger in my own home - I spent the whole afternoon baking like a mad woman making lots of noise in the kitchen (which is right next to the extension, where her room is), in the hope that she is too sensible to get up to anything while I am about, I am not stupid I know what 16 year olds get up to but when its your own child I dont want to have to face it
DebLG - No practical advice sorry but just to let you know you are not alone, and yes it does help sometimes to let it out on here, hope your DS appreciates soon what lovely parents he has.
Take care, Flossie xxxxxxxx
Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 12:28 pm
Post subject: Had Enough with Teenager
Thank you for your responses.
I did go mad at the mobile phone company and had all the extras take off his tarif, it is now back to 25 per month. I am freezing the phone so that it he will have no access. If he wants a mobile phone he can pay for it.
My son was told last night that he has no respect for the family or the house rules, and if he doesn't change in 3 weeks he will be out. My dad came over and gave him what for when he found out. He told my son that he will be around with a moving van to take everything out.
So my son is sulking around the house, but I will be getting the papers and I will be circling rooms for rent. I have made the decision that if he does not change in three weeks then I have no choice. I have 2 younger children, a baby on the way, not to mention I have MS to deal with as well.
I love my son but I have to put the younger ones first.
Flossie thank you, it is hard to do something when your child towers over you my son is over 6 foot, I am 5'5''. The strange thing is my other two kids, are angels, my 15 year old is a high achiever does and has not given me a day of grief, nor has my 12 year old. They have all been brought up the same way!
Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:34 pm
yes im afraid im not going to say anything dif from wots already been said, im 25 and i clearly remember going thru a 'naughty' time around that age but i wasnt too long learnin a lesson. my mum used to do everything for me inc make my bed and everything else (i was soooo lazy when i think back) but when i got out of line nothing and i mean nothing was done for me.
PLEASE stop paying his mobile bill for a start!!! omg i wish!!! i cant even afford a contact phone rite now and hes earning near as much as me!!! he really needs to act his age (sorry) but i would love for your next post to me 'ive changed the contract to his name' PLEASE PLEASE. he sounds slightly spoilt and take it all for granted. but yeah its def out of order calling parents names etc and esp infront of the young ones!!
sorry if that seemed harse also but i know what you mean about comin on here for a rant!! good luck with him!!
Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:38 pm
omg how am i gonna cope i have 3 boys and when they get to teenage years i dont even want to think about it LOL
Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:33 pm
OMG hun.. he needs a big kick up the bum...
I'd stop paying his phone bill for a start... how did he manage to do it in your name??? thats fraud!!!
He needs to grow up.. at 18 i had my own place with OH... my mum was sly and kept putting my rent up... Cheeky monkey!!! so i figured it'd be cheeper if i got my own place.... then i found out she'd done it on purpose...lol
can't believe he earns all that money... and has difficulty paying you rent... thats not on. Whats he spending all his money on???
Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:03 pm
you gotta put your foot down.. when you cook a meal for everyone done put one down to him. stop the mobile and all creatue comforts he has and when he says something say you gotta get your rent some how..fight back.. dont let him walk all over you and your husband.. if my daughter did that to her step dad and i will put a stop to it some how.. she is only 12 and i think it could change in a few years..
Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 7:53 pm
Ok, I don't want to get slaughtered for not totally agreeing with everyone, but I don't agree totally. I agree your son has got respect problems, and does sound like he is treating you with no respect whatsoever which is wrong, but he is 18 which is a really difficult age to be!
My older brother and myself had a tough time when we were going through the late stages of being teenages, and my parents dealt with us in the same way that you are dealing with your son, and it doesn't work, the more you fight a teenager the more they fight you back! My dad did kick me out, I was 17, I only began speaking to him again 3 years ago when I moved back to sheffield, when I was 25. If you kick him out your not helping him all you will do is push him away.
At 18 you think you are an adult, you think you know it all and think that your parents no longer have the right to tell you what to do. If he is working, which he clearly is as you say he is earning, then he is being treated as an adult when he is at work, he will have the respect of his collegues and bosses and therefore will return that respect to them.
I completely agree that he is not respecting you or your husband and your house rules, but have you thought about offering him some respect to gain his respect in return?
Insted of, as you say, telling him he has no respect and that you will kick him out etc, put it to him in a diplomatic adult fashion, tell him that you know that he is an adult, he is earning money and therefore if he is to live in your house then he has to pay his way as every adult in this country does. Show him the monthly shopping bill, gas, electric mortgage etc and let him see how much it costs for you to run the household.
Then set up direct debits from his bank account to yours for his rent, phonebill and any other payments you need him to pay (council tax should be included in this too, he is 18 and needs to learn!) Tell him that if he wants to have his friends round for bbq's then he has to go to the supermarket and get the food for it himself. I can't give you my advise on the girls staying over thing sorry!
Your probably wondering where the hell a 28 year old expecting her first child gets off giving you advice like this, well I have a 19 year old brother as well as my older brother, my mum asked me for my advice on how to not "make the same mistakes twice" and that is exactly what I told her, and my little brother is a top lad and litterally did not have any attitude towards my parents like me and my older brother did, because they treated him with respect, spoke to him as an equal rather that laying down the law and he returned that respect. (oh and by the way, little bro was like 9-10 when me and big bro were rebelling and he still turned out good!)
I hope this has helped you to see it from the other side, just remember it's not easy going from being a teenager to an adult, and his hormones are probably as up and down as much as all us preggie ladies on here, and we all know that being shouted at just makes things worse!! I hope you still have time to turn it round with him, good luck
Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:04 pm
I really feel for you DebLG as its such a tough one to go through, but i see both sides of the argument, i currently have my OH's 17 yr old lil bro living with us , not for the exact same reasons as the trouble ur having with ur son but similar, however the MILs attitude was get him out. i dont believe that he is necessarily benefitting from her response but rather how i treat him which is as an adult, he is responsible for his own room, i do do his washing for him but he has to gather it and sort it etc, when its dry he folds it away into the hotpress for me to iron it etc which i dont mind but i laid down these rules from the beginning. he clears the dishes after himself and puts them in the dishwasher etc he knows i am pregnant and am not going to run around after him i have enough to worry about lol! but i believe to an extent he resspects me because he knows i will not tolerate it other wise, but on the other hand, he knows im there for him and look out and after him. I told him from the get go if he wants to stay with us he will live as a responsible adult and while i often have to gently 'remind' him of his household duties i believe he actually prefers having rules and boundaries etc coupled with his lil bit of new found freedom. Im not sure what the solution is for u in ur situation as i know its more difficult for the mum to be the one laying down the law as it were but i just wanted to let u know i know how uu feel and what ur going through and wish u all the best, its not easy and although its a pain 'losing' my house and my own private space as such to somebody new, i also do find it rewarding and knw he apreciates it too. xxx