What would you do???

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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 11:20 am 
Post subject: What would you do???
Me again! lol

I have been thinking bout this one for a couple weeks now and I really dont know what to do - was gonna post this in gen chat but worried people wont understand Confused

Basically I am a stupidly shy person and since I stopped working and Thomas was born (and then I was made redundant when due to go back to work) what little confidence I had has completely gone. I don't go out much - can always find an excuse not to - and even going shopping alone makes me nervous Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed . I know it sounds so pathetic but I just can't get over it Sad I live hundreds of miles from any family or friends so it is literally me and Thomas alone everyday till OH comes home.

Anyway since the snow in dec/jan, when i was literally stuck in the house day in day out I have made a decision that I have to force myself to get out and join a baby group. I have told myself that it is for Thomas's benefit as I want him to have interaction with other kids, but really it is as much for me as I would love a bit of adult interaction, even if its just one morning a week.

So I plucked up the courage to ask the HV and she told me there is one withing walking distance at the local childrens centre. I then plucked up more courage to walk up there and ask for details (believe me it took some plucking Rolling Eyes ) and found out it is on Monday mornings 9.30 - 11.30.

Now to my problem. My SD comes over most Sunday nights and me or OH will take her home on Mondays. I really want to join this group but I don't really want SD going with me. Now I feel horrible saying this but I want to make some friends and think i would find that easier if i was alone as I would be forced to chat with people. Also - SD is a teenager so gobby and opinionated come with the teritory. I find she is very judgemental of people even if we just go into town and will make stupid (sometimes offensive Shocked ) comments out loud so people can hear. Needless to say I find this sooo embarassing (and rude but thats another post) and don't want it to happen in an environment where Im trying to make friends. She is also quite immature for her age and I am worried she would want to be crawling around messing with the kids and basically attention seeking.

So what do I do? She only comes over one day a week and it just happens that it falls the same morning as the only toddler group i can walk to, it's not her fault so do I just not go?
OR - do I go along and take her with me and hope she is on her best behaviour and/or gets bored eventually and stops coming (again i would then feel guilty Rolling Eyes )
OR - go but don't let her go with me and tell her its mums and babies only (might well be as I havent even checked she can go) and leave her home alone the only day she comes over probably causing a a big row between me n OH

I can't talk to my OH about this as once again I will be accused of not wanting her here etc Rolling Eyes which is just not true

xx
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shootingstars
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:10 pm 
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Personally iw ould go and leave her at home, she is more than old enough to keep herself occupied for a few hours,
It will do both Thomas and you some good, and you may make some good friends there, and so will Thomas, it will do wonders for his social skills,

As for your Oh i think he needs to understand that there is now more to think about than his Daughter he also has a Son and another baby on the way, what happens if you go into labour on the day you have her?????

Where is Oh when she is at yours? work? ask him if he wants her then, coz he is never there when she is, and remind him, she is his Daughter and not yours.
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Zee81
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:23 pm 
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Hi hun..

tbh with you I would go alone (if you honestly don't what her there)..How old is she? Like you say, its important for you and Thomas to get out and interact with others.

If OH was to say something..you need to tell him that its something that you want/need to do and are in no way excluding your SD. Explain to him like you have explained it here..its the only one local enough, its only 2hrs out of the morning.

Maybe sitting down with him and telling him how you feel and that you have found a group that you really want to attend but are worried about the SD. But you need to do this for your own sanity, self esteem and confidence..and is in no way pushing his daughter out of the picture.

Am sorry am not much help..but I truly believe this group is exactly what you need. I wished we lived closer then we could go together Smile
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:44 pm 
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Aw thanks for the replies ladies.

Crisi - thanks hun - you're right in what you say but its just getting it through to OH that is hard - he gets so blummin defensive everytime I try to bring up anything about SD and it usually causes either a row or him to sulk that I just try not to now Rolling Eyes stupid - I know!
I t is difficult coz OH works mon - fri and SD works at McDs sat and sun so we pick her up after work and she is off college Mondays. When I get to about 8 month pg I wont be running round and if I go into labour OH only works a mile down the road so hopefully should be ok Confused lol

Zee - She is 17 hun (but honestly quite immature IMO Rolling Eyes ). I wish we lived closer too then we could get together for a brew while the terrors amuse each other Very Happy You are right though hun - I need to go to this group for my sanity and Thomas's so I will have to do something - Im just honestly scared to even bring the subject up at the mo as he says Im always having a dig about her and i dont want her here. It's so stupid coz I see more of her than he does and we do stuff together (not his fault I guess but a bit of understanding wouldn't go a miss on his part Rolling Eyes )

Thanks for listnening (reading) to me moan ladies - all replies help loads Very Happy

xx
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:02 pm 
Post subject: http://www.askbaby.com/talk/viewtopic.php?p=12
i'd go alone for your sake!

maybe get her to meet you after for coffee or something so.....sell it to oh.....that she can have a lie in....it'll be very dull for as noone her own age....and you'll treat her to a piece of cake after!!


xx
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Lillyboo
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Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:28 am 
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i totally agree by the time you get back she will probably have just got up!! go on your own have fun - i was the same when my little one was a babe and it was great just to get out of the house together for a bit that wasn't going to tesco!!! remenber she is 17!!!
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:46 pm 
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Thanks for teh replies ladies. I think I am gonna take your advice and just go along alone with Thomas. I spoke to OH about it and he was actually ok about it as I think he realises its something I need to do for myself as much as for Thomas. You are probably right too about her having a lie in - those were the days Rolling Eyes

I can't start going for a couple of weeks due to other commitments but am looking forward to getting out and meeting some other mummies and their LOs Very Happy

xx
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 1:32 pm 
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Honestly hun, once you are there..you'll wonder what you were worried about and Thomas will be off, he'll have so much fun Very Happy

Good luck hun and let us know how you get on Wink
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 1:38 pm 
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Aw thanks Zee - will do!

I cant go for two more weeks yet coz of the blummin Job Centre Evil or Very Mad . I have had to sign on since being made redundant (i hate hate hate it!!!!) and they moved my time forward and wont change it back so i can take Thomas. I think it's quite unfair actually that my lil man has to miss out coz they cant let me sign a piece of paper 1 hour later - arrrggghhh!!!! dont get me started!! pmsl Laughing

I'll let ya know how i get on hun - thanks for the support Very Happy

xx
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 9:17 pm 
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Most baby groups are closed through half term anyway (which is next week) Wink

Will you be on MA after the 2wks then? I didn't realise they give you a set time to sign on Confused
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 9:56 pm 
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Ooh is it half term? didn't realise - thanks hun.

Yeah it's pants the way it works - they basically give you a day based on your NI number and then tell you a time which is non negotiable unless you have something like part time or voluntry work. They reason that if you had a job that would be non negotiable etc etc Rolling Eyes So anyway my time used to be 12.30 which would be perfect to get from baby group which finishes at 11.30 but when you have been on for 13 weeks they make you do weekly sign for 6 weeks at a different time - I think to put pressure on ya to look harder for a job etc. so now im on 11.10 which is right in the middle of baby group Sad

I spoke to them last week and basically said look I am 5 1/2 months pregnant with a 14 month old to care for - who the fluff is gonna give me a job when i would be due to go on Mat leave as soon as 5 weeks away so please be reasonable and let me change my time. I also said how it is unfair on my son to miss out as if I did have a job his childminder would take him anyway. It was a young lad I spoke to and I think he just though no way was he gonna mess with the big fat pregnant woman with hormones!! Laughing Laughing So he said he would see what he would do. I am fully prepared to turn the waterworks on him next time - pmsl!.

As for MA hun Im not sure - I can apply after my 25th week of pregnancy and I have evrything crossed I will get it but I really dont know Confused wish me luck Very Happy

xx
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:40 pm 
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You have to apply for MA? Confused I thought you'd just go on it automatically. (i'm really dim when it comes to benefits and what your entitled too Laughing ) If you didn't get MA..would you still have to sign on?
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 11:00 pm 
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Yeah you have to apply for it and have to meet certain criteria - Im not entirley sure that I do on one of them so Im a bit worried.

Basically because OH earns a decent(ish) wage I wasn't entitled to JSA based on earnings but because I have worked all my life and paid taxes then they will give me it for 6 months based on my contributions - gee thanks Gordon!!! Rolling Eyes

My 6 months is up in march so if I don't get MA I get sweet FA!!! oh yeah I get tax creds at the minimum amount and child benefit but that aint gonna pay the mortgage Rolling Eyes

Tbh hun I m not entirely sure what I will do if I dont get MA but I will be looking for an evening or weekend job when this lil lady isn't very old Sad. I am a real worrier and planner though so when I was made redundant I made sure I put a good chunk away incase a situation like this arose so once that has run out Im stuffed! lol

I know we are lucky that OH has a good stable job but we seriously dont waste money and are still in debt at the end of each month. All I can think is roll on 2 years when OHhas paid of all his debts and maintainence from his first marriage Rolling Eyes

xx
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