Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 12:58 pm
Post subject: families!!!
Hello all wondered if I could have your opinions?!?!?
Right as you know I have 2 stepsons 11 & 9 and my own son who is 11 me and oh have lived together for 3 years and my ss are with 80% of the time.
Problem Ö.. my sisterÖ.
My sister is terrible with birthdays unless itís her immediate family (boyf,me,my son & mum and dad Ė shes so tight with money) she brought my ssís really cheap presents (about £5 worth) but spends about £30 on my son and at christmas has to get my son just a bit more than the others its really embarrassing for me as my oh really has a huge problem with it and likes everything to be the same in our house where the kids are concerned which I agree with but I have no control over this! She didnít even make an effort to come and see one of the boys on there birthday and its quite obvious she seeís our family as two (me and my son and my oh and my ssís) she doesnít even make an effort on my ohís bíday quite often just a card or a few beers 2 months late Ė we have had no fall out, in fact she lived with us for several months a year or so ago and my oh helped her move several times and we offered her and her oh loads of advice recently when they were having financial probs etc etc - how do I get her to see us as one family ???
Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 12:58 pm
not very nice behaviour from your sister, especially as you and your partner are clearly a happy unit with your kids and also help her out. I suggest you take her to one side and talk to her about it, or perhaps your mum or dad might help you here. Also for christmas maybe she could buy the family a gift, day out , game , something like that. Seems rather petty to me but jealousy can rear it's head in the strangest of ways, good luck
Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:55 pm
Thanks for you reply!
Yes I think it is jealousy, unfortunately while she is in a happy relationship now she has had a lot of upset in the past and is still effectively a single woman and not through choice!
Iíve already had to tackle this with my mum and she only towís the line because my Dad would be so disgusted with her if she didnít, my dad really thinks a lot of my oh and ssís and can see we are a great happy unit and how happy me and oh are!.. on a day when my dadís not about you can always see the difference in her. I have tried to talk to her regarding this at Christmas when we asked her to buy a wii game between the boys but it goes in one ear and out the other cause she still turned up with an extra gift for my son! Ė my mum doesnít see any wrong doing in her she has always been the chosen one!!! I donít know what we can do to make them see us as a family Ė especially as we are now ttc our own, god knows how they will be if we do! Have a nice weekend all. Xx
Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 11:57 am
I am sorry your sister is like that with your SS, my family are completely different they treat my SKs as part of the whole family and they get just as much as Beth does at xmas and Bdays, even though it is disapproved of on their biological side, and we only really get to spend a few hours a week with them, In my familys eyes kids are kids, blood or water they are all loved the same amount and given the same amount of material things aswell, But i know from my own life that everyone as different perceptions of what family is, take for instance my dad, he never told my half brother and sister we exsisted, and my SD had a bday party and her baby sister didnt even get an invite and she is blood, So you are not alone, its just the way some people are programmed and unfortunatley i dont think there is much you can do about it, appart from grin and bear it, and hope that one day they will see the complete picture and realise their family is bigger than what is at the end of their nose
Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:41 pm
it's crazy how some people behave isn't it? Racheroo- I suggest you ignore what you can and accept gifts etc with dignity, but where possible keep "extra" gifts for your son for a time when the other kids are not there. I am sure they get extra stuff from their blood relations ( well hopefully) and knowing that they are loved and accepted by dad and his new family will be enough to make them feel every bit as important as anyone else
Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:39 pm
Aw hun this really is a difficult one tbh. I'm not entirely sure what you can do to change the way she see's your family. It's very difficult as she will always have that 'family/blood' bond with your son whereas she will find it difficult to view your SSs in the same way. It is different for us as the step parent as we have the bond with their parent so find it easy to build bonds with the kids aswel - your sis doesn't have this, not to sound nasty or blunt but to her your SSs are just the children of two relative strangers until she really gets to know them.
The only thing I can possibly suggest is that you maybe organise family days out where you invite your sister along? When the weather gets warmer things like picnics, trips to the zoo/park/beach/fair ground etc where all the kids will play and have fun together and your sis can join the fun and maybe start to see that your SSs are as much a part of your family as your son.
My family are exactly the same tbh - Thomas will always get more presents at birthday/christmas etc and I don't really feel I can do or say anything to change this without sounding ungrateful When you and your OH have your baby together you will probably find they are the same with the LO as they are with your son. I think it's all down to that feeling of a bond between them.