How will I ever?.....

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JulieWoo
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Posted: Sun Apr 11, 2010 3:48 am 
Post subject: How will I ever?.....
How will I ever get over this pain? This feeling my heart has been ripped out? The anger that it happened to me?

Eleanor was the most wanted and precious baby i have ever known. I am crying a river of tears and I cannot sleep. I just want this pain to end.

My milk came in today, and i have no baby to feed. There are flowers all over the house and I just want to throw them all in the bin. I know people mean well, but I would appreciate a card with kind words more to put in her keepsake box that I can read later and take comfort.

Anyway - if you are reading this, thank you for listening to the ramblings of a woman with a broken heart.
Just added my lost baby ticker..... I never thought in a million years I'd have one like this Sad

Julie x
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mummytoamonkey
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Posted: Sun Apr 11, 2010 1:40 pm 
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Julie, I am so sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for you. One thing I do know is, though, little Eleanor will have known how much her mummy loved her, and wanted to be with her.
Life is so cruel, you of all people didn't deserve this. There are no words I can offer you, that will help, but just know that you are in all of our thoughts, as is Eleanor.
And please don't be afraid to be angry, you need to deal with this, in what ever way you need to.
Sorry I've not been much help, but just know that you always have us ab ladies here for you, whenever you need us.
Big hugs, and much love to you and your family
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kittykat25
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Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 11:30 am 
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oh julie im so sorry for your loss, how cruel is life, i cant even begin to imagine what u must be going through right now my heart goes out to you so much, i know there are no words that can comfort you right now i just hope that you have people looking after you and just take one day at a time, again i am so sorry xxxx
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Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 6:49 pm 
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Julie hunni I cannot express my sadness enough of your loss of your little girl Eleanor. To read your pain from this post is painful. Life is too cruel and I know that there are no words I can say to ease your pain. As you know I too have had a loss in of course in very different circumstances and I wish for you and your family that you were not going through this. Its just so unfair, your ticker made me cry, as do all the angel baby tickers. Like I say i can say nothing to help but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

Hugs to you and our Angels.

Clairexx
Helz123
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Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 11:48 pm 
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Julie like all the other ladies have said, I cant imagine what you are going through. Life is so cruel it is so unfair that your beautiful baby girl was taken from you like this. I do hope you have people around you that are looking out for you and taking care of you. Thinking of you at this awful time. lots of love Helz xxxxx
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toxicmummy
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Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 11:19 pm 
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Bless you - you are so brave and strong sharing this time with the AB ladies. Big hugs xxx
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xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:08 am 
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Oh Julie, I'm so sad and devestated for you Crying or Very sad You've constantly been in my thoughts.

How will you get over this pain? Honestly, we never get over the pain of losing a much wanted & loved child but I can promise you that somehow it does get easier - the rawness of it all goes. I remember too well the feeling of deep despair & anger and being completely heartbroken but it does fade and you gradually start to feel yourself again - like you can live your day to day life without the anger or guilt or overwhelming sadness. One of the other AB ladies Pips who lost her little boy Harry at 36 wks said something that really stuck - 'one day you will carry the pain and the pain will no longer carry you' - I feel I have finally got to that point now.
I also remember people telling me at the time that I will get thru it & all the sort of things I've been saying to you, and I never once believed them! But you will get thru it, even tho you probably won't believe it right now.

My thoughts are with you all and with little Eleanor.
Sending you all my love xxxx
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JulieWoo
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Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 8:58 pm 
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Thank you ladies.
Victoria - i'm just dreading Weds (Eleanor's funeral) - I just dont know how i'm going to make it through the day. I'm debating a stiff drink or 2 beforehand or some strong painkillers to help with the numbing effect.

OH and I went to the funeral directors yesterday to put her toy in with her. In the end I was too scared to look in that white coffin - I can hardly bring myself to say the word. I asked the funeral director to do it for me - I was scared of what she would look like, and I wanted to remember her as she was. I am scared she might be a funny colour Crying or Very sad Is that a mad thing to think? But on the other hand i cant bear for her to go. OH said that maybe the funeral will bring some sort of closure - that we can start to heal and move on. I just want to be able to talk to people without crying halfway through the sentence.

I walked the long way into our town today as it was busy (and everyone knows everyone) to avoid people i know - I cant bear to see them look at my missing bump. Oh was telling his mum he was scared for me - he has never seen me cry so much. I am not a crier - stiff upper lip and all that - i just dont do crying.

I'm still not well - i have to have another CRP (infection marker) and blood count on Monday. I have a slight temperature so I think more antibiotics are on the cards. Must be some infection. Didint sleep last night either - heard the first bird singing at 3.30am this morning - and I thought...'what are you so bloody happy about?' The sun has been shining and I see people smiling and i want to scream.
I am going to keep a diary I think - it may help???

Sorry for ranting - i know my husband loves me - he keeps telling me how much, and through the sadness I hope the end of the tunnel with the light is not too far away....

Julie xx
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toxicmummy
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Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 10:47 pm 
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Bless you xxx
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Komolafe
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Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 11:41 pm 
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so sorry Julie.......i think the diary would be a great way for you to pour your heart out but also share your grief with your OH and families. i dont blame you for taking the long route into town and to be honest i think you're incredibly brave venturing out at a time like this.

People around you may not know quite what to say and (in some cases) will tell you some crazy cliches that will make you want to shout back at them but your entitled to feel like that....and as for chirpy birds and smiley, happy people i know exactly what youre feeling. It doesnt seem fair that everyone elses life goes on when you are experiencing such heartbreak does it.

please take care of yourself but more importantly let others take care of you too hun xxx
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xxVictoriaxx
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Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 9:45 am 
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Don't apologise, you are not ranting at all.
Sending all my love for you & your family tomorrow Julie, it is hard but it was no where near as bad as I thought and it does bring a little closure and also somewhere to go to - there was a time I was at the cemetry everyday, which was somewhere I could go to try and make sense of it all.
Don't feel bad for not seeing her Julie, I did and I wasn't prepared for it & it does still play on my mind, I think it's lovely to think of her exactly how perfect she was.
I remember the first 2 or 3 weeks after I, like you, couldn't talk to anyone without crying and the worst was doing the shopping when the people behind the tills would say how are you? It was so hard to try and pretend everything was fine. And then they'd try all that chit chat, I just couldn't do it.
I think a diary is a really lovely idea, I'm sure it will help the healing process and will perhaps help you realise how far you've come a few months down the line when you look back at it all.
Take care Julie and I hope the infection clears up soon. All my love. xx
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toxicmummy
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Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:12 pm 
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Thinking of you x
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LesleyandBethany
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Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:17 pm 
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Julie today must have been the most horrendous day ever and I cannot even find the words to say to you. But I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts. God bless you xx
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JulieWoo
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Posted: Thu Apr 22, 2010 4:53 pm 
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Ladies, thank you for thinking of me.
Yesterday went smoothly (well there are a couple of things that could have gone better). The service was lovely - all my family came from all over the coutry to be with us, and a few of my friends and work colleauges turned up too.
The songs made me cry - and my daughters read the readings beautifully. Emily (my 12yo) was doing so well until she got to the middle of hers then she started to cry and the vicar finshed off while we cuddled and cried together. Bryony (21) read hers without a wobble - she had written it herself and it was so eloquent and beautiful.

The flowers turned out lovely too - I was so worried they wouldnt be good enough - but they looked beautiful on her tiny coffin. My one regret was that noone took any photos of the day. I have no pictures to look back on. My mum took her camera, but said it just didnt feel right.

Ian was so strong carrying her coffin and I felt my heart twist for him. Cameron went to nursery before the service - we just decided in the end he was too young to go (4) and he would be too upset.

My SIL brought us a huge pink chinese paper lantern and we all wrote a message to Eleanor before lighting it and releasing into the night sky. We watched it until the light went out.

All in all a horrible but a day I will never forget. I cant say goodbye just yet though - I'm not ready to let go.

Julie x
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meandmyboys
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Posted: Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:31 pm 
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oh julie the service sounds lovley you did your lovley baby proud, your daughters did brilliant too by the sound of it, i am sure your little angel was looking down on you all with great approval

my love and thaughts are with you
samxx Smile
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