Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:01 pm
Post subject: Just can't cope anymore
I seriously do not know what to do anymore. My relationship with my husband has been rocky for a while, but I always kind of thought deep down it was ok. I spoke to my health visitor yesterday who said have some time together and just try to talk about it and work it all out. So with my sister coming up for a few days I said should be go for a drink and he said that would be lovely. So we went out tonight and it just turned into a huge row with me trying not to sob but I had tears pouring. Basically I do everything around the house, and despite having really bad spd and being on crutches, he still wants to go away on this course from september until the baby is born so that he can go to Afghanistan a month after the baby comes. I told him I was sick of him being so selfish - he does nothing around the house, makes me feel bad for being pregnant and basically told me (once again) he never wanted children, I am not a great mother and he wants to go away to get away from us. I have no confidence so find it really hard to make friends so when he gets home I want someone to talk to, and he just said he is sick of having to be my friend. He always does this to me - I bend over backwards trying to be a good wife - food cooked for him, clean house, take care of the children and he just turns around and blames me for everything. Ok so I am not the best mother I can be at the moment, and I do the finances and usually end up cocking it up a bit, but I am so miserable all I want to do is take the children out shopping to treat them at to buy junk food to make me feel better. I am not perfect I know, but surely I deserve someone who loves me enough to want to be there for me?
Got a stupid pyschiatry appointment tommorrow because I am depressed, but I know all I will do there is cry because I feel so down, and all they will do is say go back on the antidepressants which I do not want. Total waste of time, but everything seems a waste of time at the moment.
Sorry for this rant, but I just do not know what to do anymore. I love him but I really hate him right now if that makes sense?
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:08 pm
i feel for u hun tht sounds awful. i had baby blues i thot tht was hard but sounds like ur going hrew alot at the moment. i think u need 2 seperate if u really want to save it. tym apart will help u recover but still sty in touch and wen u get better see if u do really want this man in ur life. give it a go anyway for a week or soif u still feel like u cnt co operate then moe on u dont want to end up hating each other. x
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:11 pm
Awww hun im so sorry your in this situation.. and you do need a rant sometimes.
Obviously you have tried talking to him. He seems to be very self involved hun. I think you need to take a step back and maybe make him do his own cooking/cleaning and see how he likes it. Maybe it would be good for you to take a break from each other?
Me and my partner are not the best at the minute. Constantly rowing.. and he throws somereally horrible things in my face. I too am depressed, i have panic attacks and have no confidence and the only person I have at the moment really is my Mum, who i dont really want to tell her all the things he does when we have a baby on the way.
I also know what its like, i was on prozac at 13 and since then im determined not to go back on them, which i cant anway cause im pregnant. Im also seeing a counsellor and everytie im there all i do is cry. It doesnt help that we're so hormonal anyway!
Recently we took a break.. only for a day.. but when i got back we both apologised and told each other how we need each other etc.
But honeslty ur man seems to walk all over u.. ur pregnant, ur on crutched and he should be running after you!!!!
U sound like a brilliant Mum and your doing the best you can.. I think he needs to realise h needs to change his ways or you'll be gone.. u said u dont have much confidence, but hpefully u can see that u dont deserve this hun xxx
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:18 pm
Thank you both so much. It's just so hard because we used to be so in love and I don't want to give that up, but I am so tired of being walked all over. I too have been depressed since 13 and on tablets and counselling since then so I know I am prone to it. but he makes me feel worse about it. It's not as though he has a load of friends - he barely talks to anyone out of work, so who is he to tell me he is sick of being my only friend? I do not even tell him how I am feeling most of the time as he never really listens to me anyway.
I do not really get on with my family so don't have them to talk to, and of course I would like some friends round just so my children met other people, but I feel so worthless and alone I could not even try at the moment.
I said to him tonight maybe we should seperate for a while because at least when he is not here I know I have to do it all and I can do it then, but when he is sitting there on his stupid computer I think why should I do it all? His answer was just that he would not get sent away if he is having marriage problems so if he just refuses to have preferential treatment he will be able to go away on this course then it will be time apart. I just think it is such a nasty, selfish thing to do but he totally does not see that.
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:22 pm
Men can only see their point of view hun sadly.
He seems pretty selfish. I know u dont wanna give up your relationship, but he needs to sort himself out.. otherwise youll be gone.
Im getting my own place as im sick of getting kicked out etc.. so then i can do the kicking when hes being an ar se. i just feel like an unwanted guest in my own home!
U need to do something that really hits home before he leaves hun otherwise it will jsut keep going on and on!x
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:25 pm
tht touched me there. he doesnt dservea nic woman lke urself. if u leave him he wont realize wat hes losing till its gone. let h m crawl bk to u. tht way wen u take him bk lay down sum rules if he dont stick by them( as men usually put on an act for a few weeks or months thn fall bk in to there old ways) wen i was pregnant i done everything aswell and i felt drained and upset. ul no wats right hun do wats right for u and ur kids...better 2 have a happy mum thn a sad one. x
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:27 pm
I really do not know what to do though. We are in RAF housing, so if we split we would have to pay for 2 rents which we cannot afford. And I really do love him and do not want to be alone with 2 (soon to be 3) children, but I have no idea how to get this sorted. Everything I try is just thrown back at me - like tonight was supposed to be talking it through and having a nice drink and meal but he was just so nasty and kept saying 'why are you crying?' after the nasty things he said to me. He did this to me when I was pregnant with my son as well - told me he wanted a divorce as he could not cope with me, but all I have ever wanted is to be loved. I had a hard time growing up and I really thought I found somone who really loved me no matter what, but he just keeps breaking my heart.
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:33 pm
He doesnt seem to respect you.
My Oh says the same too.. Why are u crying! After he has just bad mouthed me for an hour!
Its a hard situation hun.. maybe get onto the council if things get worse?
They dont seem to realise they make our confidence worse, they ruin our selfesteem and just generally make us feel worthless.
You have kids with this man, this man is supposed to love you not make u hit rock bottom! He needs an ultimatum honestly, i know u dont wanna lose him.. but ur kids ned a happy morther xx
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:34 pm
i no how u feel. i thot i met my prince charming it broke my heart tht we went our seperate ways. evening seeing him makes me upset to this day. maybe u shud sit down have a chat and ask where he relationship is going. clearly he noz u wont leave him thts y he takes the [*CENSORED*] sory b so blunt. i hate men disrespecting women especially wen pregnant u deal with the hormones nt thm. have a wee break let ur hair down maybe he stress is getin o u both just seperate for a while
Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:38 pm
Thank you all so much. I can't even begin to tell you how much I needed someone to understand and help me with this. I have been crying non-stop since we went out around 9, and I can't sleep because I am so worked up. Just feel exhausted and sore as well, and just so sick of being the one trying to work this out. I just need to find the strength to tell him to sort himself out or we are leaving. I really thank you for listening to me and helping me.
Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:05 am
Sorry you are not having a good time. I have sympathy with your cause. I am sure your OH being in the RAF does not help. My DH was also in he forces until after our youngest was born. It adds a lot of pressure on them and I don't think it is a great job for a family. My DH left the forces some time ago and is now self employed. (I am not defending hos actions)
My DH was very similar, the verbal insults cut so deep. We used to fight all the time, screaming and shouting, throwing things at each other, etc etc. Eventually I stood my ground and told him enough is enough I deserve his respect not only as his wife but as the mother of his children. Now we are coming up to our 15th Wedding Anniversary and we spend all our time together, we can talk about anything, we have fun and lots of BDing. We do have the odd row but nothing serious, just a few cross words.
I know it is hard when a relationship is not going well and it does not help that when you are pregnant your hormones are all over the place ( men have no idea how this can effect us) . but keep your chin up and stay strong Mum2B is right ur kids need a happy Mother.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is the right thing for you and your kids you deserve better. I hope things work out for you.
Sending you lots of ((((hugs))))